I come from a broken family and my father has never really been in our lives.
From what I know, my mother and father had a very toxic relationship and there has been so much hate there since he left over 30 years ago.
Sadly we were the kids that got caught up in the toxic relationship and mum raised us on her own, which we are very grateful for, and we know it was not easy for her.
The past is never talked about and an ‘unspoken’, no go zone. I have always felt I could not track my father down, in fear that I may loose my relationship with my mother.
I am a mother now and about 2 years ago decided to track my father down, and we spoke for the first time on the phone (which was so bizarre)! He wanted a Paternity Test, which I did and it confirmed he is our father. As he is a stranger, there is not really much to grow on, but it feels like a relief to finally face him.
There is a lot of blame and hate on each side, and neither really wants to talk about the past.
I finally found the courage to tell my mother this week that I contacted him, and it seems she is shutting me out (which is what I feared from the start).
Am I being selfish in wanting to contact him? I feel horrible for upsetting mum.
18 Replies
Not selfish at all. It sounds as though you were alienated from your father, just going by how she's so ready to cut you off for contacting him even after all these years and also that you had an idea that was going to happen, it seems like she openly hated him in front of you for a long time. Your parents feelings are not your responsibility, please don't allow her to guilt trip you into doing what she wants.
I think there’s more to the story. Was your mother in danger from this man? Was this man hurting you or the children?
You claim he was toxic but the past was never spoken about, why was he toxic? Was he dangerous? Why didn’t he attempt contact with you when you were younger and reach out to you?
I’d be very very cautious. I can totally understand your curiosity but it’s also possible your mum suffered horrific abuse at this persons hands. She’s probably protecting herself and her life.
If he was going to take her life I'm sure he would have done that years ago so I'm not sure how you got "probably" like that's likely. It could very well be the mother that's being manipulative and given the contact was 2 years ago and didn't go further than a video call she's over reacting. She's giving her child the cold shoulder for contacting her own father, that's manipulative behaviour no matter what happened.
Life in danger can be physical or mental…. Suicide happens for all sorts of reasons, women are killed everyday because of DV, it was hardly spoken about 20 years ago and still isn’t due to the stigma attached - exactly what you just displayed
What are you talking about? What have I just displayed? There was no DV in OPs post? All she knows is both sides were toxic. DV was spoken about 20 years ago, it wasn't that long ago wow lol.
You stated if he was going to take her life, I never mentioned that, I asked if he was dangerous. Dangerous can mean many things. Your assumptions are a bit shit
I agree. Could be a toxic man and she protected her kids from it for all these years and raised them on her own. She may be scared and even unintentionally withdrawing to protect herself.
She’s probably staying away and hoping it’s over soon, but this is your story not hers and it’s natural for you to want to know. For me it already makes me sick knowing one day my kids will want to test out having him in their lives, but I know they do have to find out for themselves. I can only hope it ends quickly with minimal damage.
I don’t understand how you know it’s toxic and lots of hate but don’t know anything specific. Perhaps ask her for more information as that will help you protect yourself (and her) as you open the door to him. Instead of keeping an open mind I would keep your eyes wide open to both sides. There’s probably not a middle ground, more likely the worst case scenario in people being toxic especially around young children.
Not at all - I would do the same x
No, not selfish and pretty common for adult children to each out to an absentee parent (even if that parent is absolutely awful).
As a mum who had raised my son on my own, it is something I’ve had to make myself ok with. My son hasn’t reached out yet (to my knowledge) but I have prepared myself that it could/would happen at some point.
Unless you are suddenly lauding him as father of the year you have nothing to feel wrong about.
BTW both parents could have been shitty, it doesn’t have to be one or the other, as people above are suggesting, in some relationships/divorces it’s possible for both to be wrong/toxic/what ever.
Having grown up in a similar situation I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. It’s absolutely natural to want to know who your other parent is. I also made contact with my biological father in 2010 but sadly we don’t have a relationship now due to his own behaviour. There was also not attachment to him, he was just some random guy that wanted to talk crap about my family and it didn’t gel well with me. I asked he not do it, he choose not to. Therefore I ended any further discussions with him. My mum didn’t talk about my dad, she wouldn’t tell me why they separated and I have only a few memories as a child of him ever coming to visit me, so I know at some points as a small child he tried and wasn’t stopped from meeting me. Like I said he was only interested in bad mouthing my mum and other siblings that have, at the own points in life, reached out to him as well. I just wanted a relationship with him that was based on our own experiences with each other. Sadly that couldn’t be reciprocated.
I do find it a little odd, to a degree, that your mum has seemed to shut you out because of this BUT that said my older kids don’t know their dad (he lost all his kids to child safety and it was a very abusive relationship with him for them and myself) so I could understand she might have an element of ‘fear’ associated with you reaching out to him, which could be why she seems to have distanced herself from you.
I’d like to think if my kids wanted to meet or get to know their own father (they are 22 and 19 now) that I’d support that process, but I’m not going to lie it would be very challenging for me and trigger a lot of emotions and of course I’d naturally feel very protective about wanting to make sure my kids (even as young adults) were safe while doing that and I’d not want them to get hurt in that process.
I guess maybe not knowing your parent’s history, if it was anything like my own with my ex, it’s likely I might also ‘seem’ to pull away/shut out from my kids without meaning too…. For my own protection and fear for them. Perhaps you mum doesn’t really realise she ‘seems’ to be shutting you out.
Different circumstances but I know very little about my family history and i hate that. I tend to think when your background is a bit of a mystery or if you grew up with a totally absent parent, it creates this burning desire to put the pieces together because it screws with your sense of identity in a way.
You are not selfish for wanting to meet him. Not in the slightest. You do have the right to know where you come from!
Your mum is being unfair. They may very well have had the most toxic, dysfunctional or even abusive relationship ever but that doesn't give her the right to manipulate you with the silent treatment.
Your going to have to convince your mum to tell you what happened so you can make an informed decision. He was probably a dv offender. Can you suggest the 2 of you do some counselling together? That would really help.
No. You’re not being selfish but I’m also guessing your mother isn’t. She may have a lot of trauma from the relationship and anyone would have resentment for the other parent if they just abandoned the family. She might feel that she has been the only parent all these years and he doesn’t deserve your interest. She might be scared that he’s going to hurt you. She might feel that you’re choosing him over her despite the fact that he left. Some of that would be reasonable. Some wouldn’t. Any of it makes sense if she’s has lived with unresolved trauma. I suggest you sit down with her and tell her you love her and you don’t want to do anything to hurt her but you are curious about the other half of your genetics and you want to meet your father. Tell her you want to talk about how you can do that without hurting her or causing conflict. If she is truly determined to shut you out if you see him then that is emotional blackmail. I would simply respond with “I don’t know how to explain why I need to do this but please just trust that I do. I don’t want it to come between us. I am always here any time you want to talk or see me.” Just leave the door open
It is definitely not selfish but please be careful. My ex is now using my kids against me. Gaslighting them, convincing them I am a liar and changing history. He has weaponised my own kids. He left for years and came back and now his focus is on taking the kids off me. Your mother has always been there. Do not just take his words as truth.
Your mother could be scared and trying to protect herself from hurt. You need to talk to her and also mention how much you appreciate her for raising you on her own. It is really hard. Your mum may not be distancing herself intentionally, if she's scared she just will. Also make sure you are aware that the worst abuse is the psychological, emotional content. I know women who used to wish their partners would hit them because then that would prove it was abuse and it was not just all 'in their head'.
Not selfish at all to want to know where you came from and who this person is but please keep your guard up <3
I’m going to go in from a different angle. Your mother suffered in a horrible marriage for years. She gathered all her courage and left for her sake and her children. She got her babies away from the toxicity. She raised them on her own as a single mother with no help from him. While he could go off and do as he pleased she was struggling with raising children and making ends meet. Then, after the children were grown, one of her comes to her and says she has spoken to him and wants a relationship. All the horrible things that happened come flooding back and she can’t cope. She shuts down and can’t talk about it. She feels broken and betrayed. Abandoned all over again. After everything she went through to save her family this has happened. She can’t deal so she’s going to take some time out because she does t have the words to even begin to explain the hurt she feels.
Being brutally honest, I think your mum is the one being selfish. Regardless of what happened between your mum and dad, that is your father and you have every right to know him, good or bad. I grew up in a similar situation and contacted my dad via phone. Unfortunately he passed away suddenly before I had the chance to really get to know him or see him.
So my suggestion is go find out for yourself, meet him before it's too late, explain to your mother that you will respect her by an not inducing contact between them but ask her to respect you by letting you find out for yourself who your father is.
Just because someone was a "bad" husband, it doesn't necessarily mean they're a bad father. Unless they were abusive: physically/emotionally/sexually, abusing drugs/alcohol, a murderer or a sex offender, the other parent should encourage a relationship with the other parent imo.
Ask your mother for the honest reason/s that she thinks gim to be a bad human, then make the decision for yourself that if you want to pursue any type of involvement with him.
I know you love your mother but imo a parent that denies their child of a relationship with the other post separation is making a selfish & really sad choice unless he's done/doing any of the previously mentioned horrific actions.