Sorry, this will be long but a bit of context is needed.
I'm quite introverted & really don't mind my own company. I have friendships at work but none i'd hang out with outside of work. I'm a dv survivor & over the 14 year relationship, i became very isolated. I haven't had a romantic relationship since, i'm not ready. But I've worked super hard on myself over the last 4 years, lots of counselling etc to reach a place now where i'm fairly strong within myself, to understand what i went through & never go through it again. It is an ongoing process though, i can see myself needing to work at this for the rest of my life.
I made a new friend last year, while studying at tafe. My first new friend in a long time. We can laugh & have fun, she likes to do fun things & gets me out of my comfort zone. But we initially bonded because we both came from a background of dv. Totally different experiences but we just get it, we understand.
Now my problem is, my friend has not done much counselling so has not delt with much emotionally or learnt ways to cope. She also doesn't like to be alone so has thrown herself into several really unhealthy relationships & her current BF is...not great. I haven't met him but she talks non stop about their issues & i can see all the red flags. I listen, i give constructive advice, ultimately its her life & she's going to do what she wants. She finally started seeing a psychologists who repeated much of what i'd already said & told her point blank that she's in an abusive relationship. Fast forward a few weeks, they're still together. She's considering moving in with him & is convinced his issue is just male menopause...
How can you jump from one abusive relationship to another & just accept it? I don't understand.
Some of these conversations are quite triggering for me. We spend a lot of time talking about her various issues (not because i want to. I do try to steer it to other things). I do a lot of listening & i think i'm a good & support friend. But i do feel exhausted sometimes.
How do i keep this friendship? Keep healthy boundaries yet be supportive? This is perhaps how my family felt watching me dissintegrate in my marriage. Do you just be there for them & hope they get their shit together eventually? I'm confused & i'm tired but i'd really like to keep my friend without compromising my own self. Any advice please?
4 Replies
In these situations you have to protect yourself and your own mental health above all else!
That means distancing yourself from your friend or setting some firm boundaries about what conversations you have.
I had to do this with my sister. I had to be firm, and tell her I love her but I would not be discussing her relationship anymore. I realised that part of the DV cycle was getting something out of dissecting the relationship, talking about it and it generally being all she discussed.
I realised I could discuss it until I was exhausted but it did not change her relationship status or health.
I think this is a big part of the problem, that you can easily bond with others over your shared history, but is it good for your mental health to go over that? To go into it? Especially when as you say she hasn’t healed and is actually going back into it again which will absolutely trigger you and be something you don’t want to deal with or hear about - and fair enough!
At this point you take a massive step back and reset your focus on finding yourself friends you can hang out with and who help you to continue moving forward and onward. If your time with her is not good for you, then don’t spend your time there.
You're morphing from her friend into her therapist.
Take away emotion for a sec and look at this friendship objectively. If you remove every aspect that relates to her abusive relationships and lack of healing from her past experiences, being honest with yourself here - what exactly is left and is it worth the trade off?!
A healthy, balanced friendship won't leave you feeling exhausted or triggered. Please know that!
I also feel that in these kind of situations, there is a very fine line between being supportive and being an enabler. Allowing an abuse victim to vent to you over and over again is enabling in my view and it doesn't actually help them in any real way, it just placates them and helps them rationalise the abuse.
My mother has been in a toxic, abusive relationship for over 5 years, this man has done such unhinged things that I genuinely worry I'll wake up one day to see my mother's face plastered on the news because she's become that "one woman a week"...
It has gotten to the point where we have had to tell her that we'll be there to help if she wants to break away from this relationship for good but we don't want to hear the distressing details, especially when she keeps choosing to go back.
At first I thought I had written this lol. Our stories are similar. I think you need to step back a little but leave the door open. While she is able to vent with you, she is not actually facing her own issues. It's actually kind of like enabling...
So I would put healthy boundaries in place e.g. I speak to her once a week when I feel I can cope and I listen but do not offer advice, moreso ask questions e.g. do you think that will get better? If you begin to feel triggered, say I have to go as I am running late or some excuse to end the call.
Unfortunately he may successfully ruin your friendship anyway because we know these guys try to cut off all support. So leave the door open with comments like: you know I care about you and just want you to be happy. Please know my door is always open and I will not judge you.
Some people have a little more insight into the reasons why they end up in relationships like this and therefore work hard to break the cycle. I have had a new partner for over 5 years and he is the complete opposite of my exes but it took work to get to where I am.
I also have a friend who has repeatedly ended up in abusive relationships. I had to step back because I could no longer cope. She then disappeared, I thought she had possibly passed. She turned up years later and had sorted out her life. I could not do that for her.
You need to look after yourself because she will not change until she is ready, no matter how hard you try <3