What do you do when you completely disagree with your partners parenting style? And by that I mean, forcing your children into a sport they hate and getting them to train 4 x a week in this sport?
It’s literally tearing our family apart and my children are so sad doing this sport, yet, they have absolutely no choice in it.
This has been going on for a number of years now and I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like an obsession. And my husband and I constantly fight about it but this is like a non negotiable for him.
If I had known I was going to marry a man who would force my children into a sport I would never have gone through with it.
Please offer some advice x
24 Replies
I would tell him you will have no part in it anymore and he has to take them to every training session and games. Direct all kids to him if they complain to you. Maybe he will change his tune when he's the one that has to deal with them. You could also try getting the coach to have a chat to him, if they really hate it then it will show in the way they train and play.
STAND UP FOR YOUR KIDS! Use your voice and don’t be afraid. Take them out of it. Tell him straight that they aren’t doing it anymore and it he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. Forcing them to do something they don’t like is cruel.
Who takes them to training? What is his involvement? Does he coach? Watch every game/training? Can they quit or try something else at the end of season? Is he expecting an Olympian? What’s his belief about this? Drilling in commitment, responsibility, discipline, etc? Does one have to go because the other is and it’s logistics.
Tackle his ideas with real alternatives and after that you have the same right to your opinion and action towards it. Just say you see that it’s not right and you won’t be a part of it. Why do you feel you don’t have that voice at the moment?
I used to have to take them but I don’t now. He does. I do go to their competitions to support them but apart from that I have no involvement other than trying to defuse fights between him and them and negotiate
He tells me I am stepping in the way of his parenting and trying to take away his rights as a parent
Why is he forcing them? What is his reasoning? I’m so confused why any parent would force their child to do this? I understand exercise and sport is important however why doesn’t he allow them to decide what sport they’d like to do?
It's called living your life through your children. They want to gain the attention for their child's talents, there's parents like this in every sport it's really sad.
Yes, 💯 😞
I don’t agree with him but he may have been raised this way also and thinks it’s good for them to do sports. He needs to understand, this sport isn’t for them and talk to them and see what they actually want to do. Mum sounds a little scared to allow this to happen. I hope she stands up for her kids.
Scared? Yeah I am. He has a huge temper. I don’t have a say at all in this sport. It’s a martial arts sport and originally started as the boys learning how to defend themselves. Now it’s turned into an obsession for him .. he claims that I am trying to refuse to let him parent our children
It’s a martial arts. Originally starting for the boys to know how to defend themselves and because they are really good he is now pushing them more even though they aren’t happy with that. Weekly crying over doing training with him. Fights between him and them and then me and him when I try to defuse the situation. It’s horrible. All of our finances are seperate and I’ve managed to save some money to put them into a sport they love on other days because I believe in allowing them to follow their interests.
I’d find some theories or stories of athletes that show that he can push and push but if they’re not invested at all it’s not teaching them what he thinks he is.
He wants to talk about parenting? what is this parenting technique? What outcome is he expecting? How does he measure success? Is this success? At what point will he re-assess how it’s working? What is required of the kids? Attendance? Stop attending their tournaments or gradings like it’s something to be proud of, that’s as messed up as he is.
The mean temper and the bullshit ‘you’re not letting me parent’ argument makes me think he’s just an unreasonable bully.
What’s sad is that if you don’t find a way to having your own voice for them, then you are sending a pretty clear message to the kids too.
You are their parent too, so yes they do have a choice! It’s upto you, to change it
and if you are scared of him then get out. There is no way I would allow my husband to do this. you are their mum. You make decisions too. Don’t take this anymore,
Even leaving him won’t change his mind with this sport and making the kids do it. He thinks that I just won’t let him parent our children or have a say in their lives
It wont change him and what he does to your kids ( he can only do it in his time by the way) but more importantly it will change your children’s childhood, their view on you, their relationship with you, their view on normal, and their view on what power they have in healthy relationships.
I have seen this very thing happen with a friend growing up. Without going into all the details, let me just say I have seen the psychological damage and trauma this sort of thing causes.
For the sake of your children's mental health and emotional well being, you need to step up. You are not powerless here!!!
It may well come down to you making some very hard decisions but this cannot go on. If it does, your kids will grow up hating their dad for living vicariously through them and they'll end up resenting you for doing nothing about it.
If I leave him, which I’m considering doing anyway because it is a very unhappy marriage I can’t see any changes with the sport. He thinks I need to let him be a “parent” too and make decisions. He believes that without this sport, he has absolutely no say in their lives. It’s more by choice from him though. It’s the only thing he does with them. Apart from that he works a lot and sleeps
So if you left, you’d probably find he’s an every second weekend dad. He would drop out quickly. He’d totally blame you and tell everyone you won’t let him parent but it’s a small price to pay.
this is way more about control that about him being allowed to spend quality time with his kids.
If you leave him and by chance he gets 50 percent custody, on the weeks you have them 'no sport'. Do not buckle. Tell him they are going to resent him for forcing them and drop out as soon as they are old enough. Make him aware of the consequences. He is actually making them hate sport.
My husband forced my son into sport, when he clearly wasn't a sporty kid. He said it would be good for him. It wasn't to the extent that your kids are doing though, as this was just one training session a week amd a Saturday game.
But the look on my sons face when he was on the field and desperately looked to me because he was anxious will honestly forever haunt me because I though I was doing the right thing. I almost couldn't read your post because of the feelings it brought up for me.
If the kids really don't want to do it then you must intervene. Even if your husband still gets his way at least they will know you tried and are on their side.
Thank you. I have tried and tried. The kids know I am doing what I can. His response is that “he is their parent too”. And so it’s this constant drama with him. He says it is his bond with them but I don’t see it as a bond at all. He thinks I’m jealous even though he obviously refuses to see the damage it is causing his relationship with them. The best I have been able to do is use what little money I have to put them into another sport that they enjoy doing so they at least have that to look forward to. All of our money is seperate.
Did your son end up not having to do the sport? How did it stop?
My husband wasn't as stubborn as it sounds like yours is, and eventually caved and let him stop. But not in a nice way, he berated him and wouldn't talk to him for ages and still brings it up as though as son failed or embarrassed him. It was a sport my husband did as a kid (never did anything higher than local comps or school teams mind you, although he seems to think he could have been pro if his parents had pushed it)
Our son has never gone near anything even remotely sporty since, not that he can't but I thinknits just alot of negative associations with it.
It's a tough spot for sure that you're in. Because your husband has the right idea, in theory. Kids have better self esteem, make friends, stay fit and can help keep them on the right track. But kids of course need to enjoy what they do.
I know a mother that put her daughter into dancing as a toddler and this girl did every kind of dance style growing up, 5/6 days a week. The girl was a great dancer, but hated it! It wasn't her thing but her mum just wouldn't let it go, was heavily involved with the dance company. Of course body shaming started because the girl didn't have a 'dancers body' and everyone around her focused on her weight, food, etc. It was horrible and I could see the damage being done.
The girl eventually blew up at her mum and refused to go to dancing anymore. Which was hard because she knew how much it would break her mums heart and how much time/money has been invested.
The girls dad enrolled her into tackle football (which she wanted to do) and she absolutely thrived in it.
This was a few years ago now and the relationship between mother and daughter is hanging on by a thread now.
I guess my point is that the boys may need to take a stand here if they really don't want to do it and flatly refuse anymore. Or even tell their coaches/trainers that they don't want to do it and see if that helps?
WOW, poor kids, my daughter does a martial art and 100% by choice and i could never force her to compete besides being terrifying for the kid so hard to watch when they enjoy it, with out them hating it.
If you are already thinking of leaving maybe it's time, this is probably just one horror control thing you have to manage. My guess he wants to make "Men" out of his kids and he is probably in his own mind an alpha. He was probably also good at something as a kid and believes of someone had pushed him he would have been amazing. This man won't change he isnt actually interested in the kids he want to brag and show what a good dad he is. Being involved in sport and the time he takes. He is a pig. before you leave get legal advice, make sure you have a bank account and some money, i suspect it will be a big fight. get the kids to see the school counseling services so you also have info documented. Stay safe.
My daughter did kicking boxing from 5 years old. She Would Train 4 days a week. She won a national championship at 7 and then a few months after asked to stopped training. So we stopped even though we could see she has major potential. 3 years later she still doesn’t want to go back and do it again.
Stand up for your kids. If you are thinking you shouldn’t of married him and that it’s damaging your children it’s time to start thinking about your future together.
My teens all went away from their sport but I just went with it. I still feel some sadness driving past the soccer fields lol. We have to let them choose or they end up hating sport. He needs to at least give them a break.