My boyfriend and I are both from completely different worlds!
I'm a 33 yr old successful career women with 2 kids, I've worked really hard to get where I am today and I'm at the point where I have been offered a position on a 6 figure salary. I'm extreme proud of my self and very fortunate to be where I am in life at such a young age! I own my own home, I own my own cars and motorbikes, I have minimal debt, I've done this all on my own but I had to sacrificed ALOT to get this far! even missing time with my kids working weekends, I put my relationships aside with friends and romance, going out and partying or meeting people isnt something I had done in my 20's because I wanted to make a life for myself and my kids, I wanted to be successful because my mum never was. I come from a single mum who relied on benefits her whole life, I never really had anything as a kid growing up and I wanted to brake that cycle.
Now I am in a relationship, I'm very very confused!! My partner isn't like me, he's a go with the flow kind of guy, he dosent have anything to his name, no savings or a house, his only goal in life is to make his kids happy. He absolutely loves his life living care free and spending as much time with his kids as he can creating memories, he dosent care for debt or making money, he dosent adhere to my corperate world or even accociate with it, which is actually really refreshing after dealing with "corporate robots" all day! He had a lot of body modifications, face tattoos and piercings, his ears are stretches and he's not like anyone I would normally be around daily and I actually love him for it! He has taught me to relax and that life is short, he's taught me to stop and enjoy the small things in life instead of being so head strong and actully turn off from work for a bit. He dosent care about the power exchange in our relationship, he dosent care about me being more successful or earning more than him, he's actually so proud of me and see's me for who I am rather that what I can achieve unlike the people I deal with daily who only care about the material things and money. It's also so hard to find someone like him, someone who supports me, see's through the bullsh*t and loves me for who I am alone and accepts every part of me even my children rather than for what I have or bring to the table, I hit the jackpot with him to be honest!
But it has its downfall!! I can't bring him to award nights or my work events because the people I work with look down on him for his appreance! His appreance is also reflected on me as well because I am with him and he is my partner. These people have millions to their name, own large companies and accociate with others who are the same! It's really unfair and I do want it to change but unfortunately I don't think the corporate world will change their views any time soon, it's just the world we live in.
It's pushed me to actually have the uncomfortable conversation with him about his appreance and my work which I never wanted to have in the first place! I want to share my successes with him but I don't want him to change who he is just to do that, it's so unfair!
How can I deal with this? Do I just keep that world from him? He's such an amazing man, my kids love him, his kids love me, we're an amazing dynamic duo but I know blended families are hard enough now to add this stigma to our relationship because of what I do for work, it's just really made me confused and second guess it all!!
Any advice would help.
Edit: I love my partner and the way he looks, I don't care what the general public think of him in the slightest but the men I work for are in their 70's and are extremely judgemental, they have made comments and although I shouldn't care about these comments its still made me worry about it getting to the point where it starts to effect my career.
22 Replies
Has anyone actually openly judged him or made negative comments about him at your work do's regarding his appearance?
Has it affected your ability to do your job or in any way hindered opportunities that would normally be presented to you?
If not - you're overthinking it, possibly based on your own internalised, subconscious prejudices.
You break that stigma by proudly bringing him along and choosing to not give a fuck what some narrow minded multi millionaire thinks.
If it has affected your career - that'd be enough to have me re-evaluating my entire career path as you're right, it probably won't change. Having said that, my values don't lie in the same place yours do so it really may come down to you making a choice between one world and another. Because if I were in your partners position, I wouldn't be okay with being excluded from a significant aspect of your life simply because of how I looked.
They have made comments but I am not aware of it effecting my work. You do have some very good points though, I shouldn't care! although I am still a little worried it will get to the point it starts to effect my work, some of the men I work with are in their 70's and are extremely judgemental!
I would tread carefully here. Make sure you protect your assets. If you move in together and split his interest in materialistic possessions may change.
I see your dilemma with work. I wonder if you could start by having a meal with your boss and his partner - give his personality a chance to breakdown that stereotype one on one and then you may have someone in your corner at work events. I also have no experience in corporate world so that maybe a ridiculous suggestion. Sorry
I've worked in the "corporate" world most of my life and haven't experienced anything you're talking about.
I find this post very strange, almost offensive in the stereotyping.
It's all in your head, you are ashamed of him and think others will think what you think.
But I guarantee they don't.
It's a "you" problem, not a "them" problem.
The fact you can't spell corporate also has me questioning the entire post.
I totally agree! In fact a lot of the spelling in this post doesn’t portray the ability to demand a 6 figure salary 🙄
They've made very offensive commented on his ears, they're stretched so big he can fit a coke can comfortably through them. I don't have a problem with his appreance and I'm definitely not ashamed of him if this was the case I wouldn't be his partner.
Look, you'll get comments anywhere because most people don't understand why people modify their bodies in extreme ways. The more conservative the environment, the more extreme the reaction.
Unfortunately, people are judged on looks, from weight to disability to deliberate expression through modification or even extreme hair colour. You have to decide where you stand, if you'll accept it affecting your career or if you'll give it all up for his physical appearance.
I don't think you work in the corporate world lol you talk about it like it is some parallel universe (robots lol) when it's just normal people like everywhere else. Only "management" are usually on the big dollars, that's my experience, the rest of us are worker bees.
If you are only on 100k now, I also don't how you've paid off a house.
I have also never experienced management making comments on the appearance of partners at the Christmas party, that's really odd.
I think your post is bs and you're ashamed of him and maybe your friends judge him and you want to know how to get past it?
I think maybe she is also someone possibly without a tertiary education who has broken through the expectations for her life. It sounds like she’s worked really hard and really highly values what she has earned and managed to accomplish. The fact those are small things to some proves that to me. Being hard working and diligent and responsible for your entire twenties takes a huge effort, especially if you’re not ‘at home’ in that world. I also think this is where the problem is, seems a touch of imposter syndrome has you worried and nervous you won’t fit in when you could just have the confidence to be you and enjoy what you’ve earned with your family.
So what if he was rich and successful as well? Or is that inconceivable? Does he have to be rich and successful career wise for you to be proud of him as your partner? He’s not there for a job interview, he’s your plus one. And I agree with the above, I highly doubt he’s unwelcome anywhere based purely on appearance these days.
I would be more worried about having your assets protected. See a lawyer. Also keep your partner seperate from work. He doesn’t need to be involved with your work. If you have award nights, can he take things out or dress up for the evening to tone it down? If not go alone or with a friend. I’d keep it seperate though, you have worked hard for this. Honestly those big holes in ears are disgusting. I can’t stand them but I wouldn’t judge someone for having them.each to their own.
Hahaha ... 'but I wouldn't judge someone for having them'.
Really?
You just did.
I hate to say it, but anyone with lobes so stretched they can put a coke can through their ears and face tattoos is seeking judgement and purposely using their looks to make an anti-authority statement. I'm curious as to whether you described your hard working colleagues as 'robots' before you started seeing him.
I agree with the other ladies. I see the biggest risk in this situation as you becoming a common law couple and him taking half of your assets when you split. I suspect that's why these 'judgemental' people you work with have made a comment. They're wanting you to open your eyes and protect yourself.
Very interesting 🤔 she doesn’t realise she is sensitive to both parties bias and perceptions.
I agree though. Anti authoritarian, anti work under the guise of quality time with children. While that is worthy don’t get me wrong it doesn’t get you any security in life.
Agree with this so much!
I know someone with extremely stretched ears, dermal implants, split tongue, full body of tattoos etc. As the body modifications progressed you could tell it was becomming less about her sense of self expression and more about shock value and creating this controversial look that that kind of goaded people into passing judgment so she had a reason to completely flip out on them (in a way that was usually disproportionate to whatever she felt slighted by).
I habe found that many people who are into extreme body modification are motivated by a hate fuelled 'fuck society' kind of mentality.
I also think it's very telling when an adult has literally nothing to their name and no real interest in financial security or even responsibility and that has literally zero to do with his appearance.
I completely agree with this. As I first read the post this is the point that struck me, but then it all went side tracked on the physical appearance/judgment track.
Definitely raises alarms that he’s against all this but happy to live in your house, runs up debt, bad with money, (completely different values to you) yet you say you’re lucky to have him. I suspect he knows he’s very lucky to have landed what he has, all he has to do is say positive things (because we know that’s your currency - pride in your achievements) and you’ll go work and earn and pay and GIVE. Be careful.
You're already questioning this relationship. Look deep within yourself. You'll see it too.
Agreed. The post reads as though she is trying so hard to convince herself this man who brings nothing to the table is better than everyone else who works hard, she's completely drowning out the voice of reason that is niggling in her brain.
I’m going to play devils advocate after reading the other comments.
Firstly- congratulations on all your achievements. Reading your post it’s evident how proud of yourself you are! Well done!
Secondly- to everyone saying he came in your life for a reason to teach you something about family and values ect. Blah…. What if he came into your life to balance your family? I wonder if you were a male writing this post if you would have different reactions?!?!
The reality is- people are judgemental. People who live different and have different values may judge and discriminate not just him but also by association, you. You love your job- if your parter is going to impact your work. That needs to be an open conversation. Maybe this particular “corporate world” isn’t the right place for your partner to merge and become a regular fixture at events. But your partner deserves full disclosure and understanding. As ultimately it may feel like you’re ashamed of him, his appearance ect. And if an ultimatum does come from this- you need to work out where you stand.
Best of luck! Keep smashing your goals! What a great example for your children! And sounds like your partner is super supportive to tackle this life you’ve built!
I think it's great that you can learn and grow from this man. However I also hope you have legal things in place to keep what is yours yours and visas versa. All that hard work and time isn't worth risking. Do you think you will be okay with not having some who truly has the same goals? sounds like you have plans and strategy to build a life, and we are all not the same, but will his she will be right attitude have the same long term goals? Also if you can't take him to work things are you really proud or does this man give you an escape? and opportunity to walk away from what you built? Might be time to assess what you really want and if you can honestly build that future with this man?
I think it's great that you can learn and grow from this man. However I also hope you have legal things in place to keep what is yours yours and visas versa. All that hard work and time isn't worth risking. Do you think you will be okay with not having some who truly has the same goals? sounds like you have plans and strategy to build a life, and we are all not the same, but will his she will be right attitude have the same long term goals? Also if you can't take him to work things are you really proud or does this man give you an escape? and opportunity to walk away from what you built? Might be time to assess what you really want and if you can honestly build that future with this man?