Hi IMs,
I’m feeling a bit unhappy with my partner’s (and stepdad) contribution and interest in our family and household.
He will only pay a quarter of the rent and bills because there is me and my 2 kids.
He won’t attend events with us, or join in anything we do as a family.
He shops separately to us, does not share meals with us, and does not assume responsibility for household chores (he will wash up or put on washing if I ask). But he sure does make a mess around the house!
He golfs and games a lot and just goes out without any word. He wanders around after work each day too.
He says he is happy and honestly, he has a very easy life. He also has no kids of his own.
How does your partner/step dad to your kids, join in and contribute? Would you be happy with what I have going on? And if not, what would you do?
16 Replies
Your expectations are to low!
If he isn’t interested in participating as a family he wouldn’t be living with me.
Sounds like he isn’t ready or interested in living the family life.
It’s not about the money, it’s about everything. He can go live in a share house.
I would not be happy with this situation, it’s assumed that when you enter a relationship with someone that has children while you don’t necessarily have to become a ‘father’ you have to at least become a ‘family’.
What I read, is you’re in a situationship, your partner has all the perks of being single but all the likely benefits that come with being in a ‘relationship’.
Note the fact I said benefits, not responsibilities.
You clean for him, likely sleep with him and identify as being in relationship with him - and I’m sure if asked he’d say you clean for him, likely sleep with him and also identifies as being in a relationship with you…… but is that really a relationship?
I understand the challenges of being with someone that has children from a prior relationship, but that’s the responsibility you accept when you start dating that person. If you don’t want to become a family and accept the responsibility that come with that - then don’t.
My opinion: you’re still a single parent in every sense of the word and I would reevaluate the ‘relationship’ you think you’re in.
Darling, you've found yourself a housemate not a partner/step parent.
This is not how a cohesive family unit works, I mean you guys literally share nothing but a living space.
No, I wouldn't be happy with this and I'd probably pack his bags for him so he can live his easy, carefree bachelor life elsewhere.
He's not a partner and he's sure as fucking hell not a step dad.
Why wouldn't he be happy?
Gets to live the carefree life while having someone else subsidise his living costs and gets to have no strings sex as well.
If he had any real feelings for you he would want to be involved in your life, not just giving you a small percentage of his.
New year new you baby. Kick this leech out.
That's a housemate! See ya later buddy.
When you meet an older guy with no kids and probably never been married, there's usually a reason, he's isn't a family man.
End it, it must be very hurtful for you, you deserve better.
Also not a healthy dynamic for your kids.
Standards are not too high at all. Kick him out, he's sponging off you. Let him try and find his own place he will be paying a lot more than that. He's not part of your family and brings no value to your life at all except adding to your workload by making a mess. Let the big man baby go.
Of course he’s happy! What a nice life he’s living like a teen boarder!
How long have you been together? Are you married? Or at least engaged? If you're dating but not at the point of seeing each other as lifelong partners, I understand his boundaries. If you break up in 6 months time, he shouldn't be destitute because he was supporting a family that wasn't his.
However, if you're married (or going to be) you should have morphed into more of a family unit. Even if finances are separated and he doesn't pay for your kid's stuff because you and your ex do that, I would expect bills (rent, groceries etc) to be more evenly split between you both.
It's the same as normal dating I guess. When you first move in together, money remains separate, but that changes over time as you become more of an 'us' than 2 individuals
Once you move in you're not dating anymore. You're basically married without the piece of paper. You can still keep separate finances but this is ridiculous, being in a relationship and moving in with someone that has kids means you're now part of that family. The law sees it that way. He should be paying half of everything and playing a more active role in the family he is literally acting like a housemate but expecting her to clean up after him. No way is this OK.
Actually, the law sees the financial responsibility of raising the children as being that of the mum and dad. Not step parents.
Reality means that households don't usually work that way, but it takes time and a certain level of commitment for that to occur. If they are still a newer couple, or living together to test being in each other's space before fully committing, or on the rocks, or they moved in due to circumstance (I.e. one of them couldn't get a rental), then they may still be at a stage in their relationship where they are more like dating room mates than a married couple.
I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying if they're in it for the long haul... but they might not be there yet?
The very first thing Centrelink does when you tell them you're in a relationship with someone, not even have to be living together, is combine your incomes because the new partner is assumed to be supporting your children. If you're living with your partner and they have kids and they have no food, clothes etc, you're responsible for providing that. Boyfriends and Girlfriends have been charged along with bio parents for neglect or abuse of children in their care. If you're living with a partner and their children you are legally responsible for everything while they're in your care.
What the hell and you put up with this! Are you sure he doesn’t have a secret family somewhere else. Sounds like it. He’s hiding something by not attending events or going out with you. Doesn’t want someone to see him.
Sounds like my son. He's a teenager and really, that's what you've got.
What could you possibly get out of this relationship? I mean, your children are your children. But this is a man who owes you nothing who's living more or less rent free and says he is happy with his lot in life.
He doesn't care. Has he started putting names on items in the fridge yet?
Just to give you an idea of what it could be like: I have three children and my partner pays bills and I pay food each week. I know I have the better deal and it's only short term as we will re-evaluate when I find another job. Yep, my partner has supported me when I lost my job.
I found someone who is all in. Loves me, tries to relate to my kids and works darn hard outside and inside the home. I try to take the pressure off so he walks in and does not have to do anything but it does not work. He always finds some way to help.
You've found a man-child.
This is not a healthy situation for your children to be in. I would never want to expose my kids to that dynamic. I’d rather my kids see me as a strong independent single mum than the strange dynamic you have going on there. I would never want them to think that that is how a healthy family lives.