Putting your last name as bubs last name instead of the fathers.
I'm not married,not even in a relationship with the father. I don't want to have his last name as babies last name. Whos choice is this ?
Is it really the mothers right?
I had my mums maiden name as a kid.
I never married my other kids father. Was planning to but it didnt happen and we separated a long time ago. Kids have his last name.
I've always just had my last name and regret my kids only having their dads last name. I feel like the odd one out.... if i contact school or anything i have to explain who i am, different last name to my kids.
I dont want to do this again with future bub
Father is annoyed i wont use his.
His ex has his and his other kid.
I'd be odd one out again. It feels alienated?
I wanted to keep the baby. He didnt.
I feel it should have mine.he wants both. His and mine.
I dont like idea of very long double last name.
Can he force it?
33 Replies
If you want to push it to legal lengths, then some states enforce mum and dads surname in alphabetical order. Some states state mums surname is used if not married. Might help you to find out which one you’re under. Men have so much nerve, this demanding their surname when they’re not married is one of those times - if that’s really important to him then he needed to have a kid in wedlock.
What a bizarre comment, it's 2022, she's having a child out of wedlock too. In fact she chose this when he didn't want to proceed with the pregnancy.
Babies of unmarried mothers take their mothers surname. It is that simple. Traditionally, the man’s name was only ever done in marriage anyway. It’s a funny thing for men to insist on suddenly, or demand a ‘compromise’ on.
What? It's never been an issue of married or unmarried in the last 100 years. That is a bizarre thing to say. It's mostly always been the father's name regardless of whether married or not! Not that I even agree with always just going with the father's name in this day and age but it has definitely not been marriage that decided that.
What makes her more important? Their equally entitled to give the chikd their last names
I completely understand where the dad is coming from. Having both last names is a very reasonable compromise.
It’s really not. Would you want a hyphenated surname? No one would, just doing it to sooth the man’s ego. And what happens next gen?
So instead of a compromise the solution is legal fighting about which parent is more important????
No the compromise for him is to realise that’s a want of his. Not a necessity. He’s way too late in the game to demand it when mother doesn’t have his surname and they’re not married, so he can compromise and get over it instead of taking it to a legal battle
Compromise implies both parties give a little. The child having the mum's surname is her want. It's also not a necessity. If the hyphen isn't an option, maybe dad gets to choose the first name?
Many people have hyphenated surnames, it goes back many generations, it really is a non thing. Any adult can legally change their name also. If both parents want their child to have their last names, I don't see what the issue should be
Not to soothe his ego, but because he is the father.
When you coparent with someone, things get messy, but both their actions lead to this.
He obviously didn't want the child, but since she has chosen to proceed, he is going to step up and be a father.
Just because he didn't want to have a baby with some random he had a casual relationship with (I'm sure most would feel this way, men and women), doesn't mean he has no rights going forward.
And he has lots of battles to fight going forward, hitching such importance on the surname being his doesn’t seem a hill he would choose to die on at this point, unless his ego is involved.
So his reasons (that you don't know) are INFERIOR to her reasons?
Wow, you're a mind reader, amazing!
He has kids, maybe he wants them all to share the same surname like she wants to share the same surname with her child?
Maybe he's thinking of his kids, whilst she is "woe is me, no one has my surname, it's not fair".
Surname is very important to most men. It has nothing to do with ego. I'd get legal support if I was a man in this scenario. Frankly, if a woman wasn't willing to accept a very fair compromise, I'd be wanting legal representation for my rights from day 1 because I'd have no faith in having joint custody or any parenting rights at all. It seems like dad tried to be reasonable and the mum is saying it's her way or the highway. If she's doing that now it will only get worse.
https://www.legalaid.qld.gov.au/Find-legal-information/Relationships-and...'s%20name%20is%20one,what%20name%20can%20be%20used.
You feel alienated?
I don't mean to be dismissive but there are people out there experiencing real parental alienation who would trade anything in the world, surname included, just to be able to see their kid so try and have some perspective here.
It's also not even like he's said "I want the baby to have my name and my name only, you can get stuffed", he has been reasonable and suggested hyphenation so both of you are represented in this child's identity.
You decided to proceed with the pregnancy and he neither wanted or had any control over that, if he's choosing to step up and be involved regardless then I really don't think he's being unfair! And look, he does have to sign the registration paperwork. What is stopping him from refusing to do that? I honestly feel that if it did end up going down the legal path, a double barrelled name is probably going to beat a maiden name as well.
Legally I have no advice, but I would assume it comes down to whoever fills in the birth cert paperwork??
My friend went back to her maiden name after divorce, kids kept their father's surname.
She's never once had to explain herself.
She just rang the school & said "Hi, it's XX here, YY's mum" and nobody has ever questioned it at all?
Another friend kept her maiden name when she got married as she's a Dr so all her quals are in her maiden name, and it seemed like a royal pain in the ass to get everything changed over, so she didn't bother. Their kids have Dad's surname, again, never been an issue.
And the above scenarios are pretty common, I work in a public service agency and I've also never questioned a parent with a different surname (nor have any of my work colleagues).
I really don't understand who would be questioning you or why you feel the need to justify it.
I actually really hate the argument about kids having the same last name as you. I have 4 that have gone through school with a different surname to me and it has never been an issue. The only time I ever had to do anything different is when I became a single parent and CSA wanted each child's birth certificate, if I had the same surname apparently they wouldn't have needed to. School has you as their parent on their records so why would that be a problem, ever? It's not. Your name would come up everytime they looked at your kids file. If it's a large school you would probably need to explain who your child is every time you spoke to them regardless of having the same surname or not. The only issue I had with school was them calling me "Mrs ex name" because that was my kids surname, I never once had to prove I was their Mum or anything like that.
I don't even care about mum v dad or any of that, I just think that's a very petty reason to choose yours. Why not both?
You don't have to explain different surnames to the school in 2022, try again.
If you didn't want a hyphenated surname, you should have waited until you were married to have a baby.
You sound as though you will change your surname if you get married? You refer to it as your maiden name to start with and say that your other kids have their Dads surname and you thought you were going to get married and end up with the same surname. So why would you be pushing for the baby to have your surname if you could get married in the future and your youngest child will not share a name with anyone in their immediate family, not yours, Dad's or siblings. So you will do to your child what you don't want to do to yourself.
So let me get this right , he didn’t even want this child with you and knowing men probably wasn’t even single but he wants to dictate what you name your child ? 😂🤦🏻♀️ He’s honestly sounds like an entitled man child! If I were you I’d be leaving him off the birth certificate completely so he can’t control how you live your life with your precious little bubba. 💕
Maybe he was using common sense? If they're not in a relationship together why is it a good idea to have a baby together? It rarely turns out good you have to co parent with a fling for 18+ years, yay. He has come on board now though or OP wouldn't be having this argument at all. Why deny someone access to their child because they wanted to terminate in the first trimester. There are plenty of people that think about abortion both men and women then go on to be beautiful parents and couldn't imagine life without their children. You shouldn't be shamed or punished for considering termination, that's a step backwards.
I would feel more confident in a man who doesn't wish to have kids with a fling than a guy that happily has kids to everyone. The later doesn't care or think about the responsibility.
Who would honestly be wanting to have a kid in this situation?
Imagine having a kid with your last ONS or FWB.
I bet even the ops family isn't overjoyed about it.
You can't blame him for his first response.
There's also no evidence he's married.
He's not entitled to say honestly that he didn't want an unplanned child with a woman he wasn't dating but accept the mum's decision to have the baby and step up as the father. Also, it's not legal to leave the father's name off the birth registration paperwork (including his signature) unless he refuses to sign or is unknown. In this instance, the dad is wanting involvement. If mum is seen to deny him on paperwork he will not only get the name changed by a court, but it will bode poorly for her with custody
I hyphenated our sons name, dad and I not married.
To compensate, we chose shorter first and middle names, and at age 18 I offered to change his name officially if he wanted to drop the hyphen and choose the name he wants to keep.
You’re the one growing this baby and let’s be honest, chances are you’ll be doing the majority of the parenting as well so I think it’s totally fair for them to have your surname. Why does it always have to immediately default to the Dad’s surname? Him possibly wanting to be involved is pretty bare minimum tbh and doesn’t automatically entitle him to naming rights. Would the same be said for a mother? I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.
So many assumptions made with no basis for them.
I think the father is right here. I would always use the fathers surname and if not, use both. He should get a say. Yes he didn’t want the kid but it was prob a shock and he will love this kid just like you will. Do the right thing and compromise here and you’d want tor your child to have a good relationship with the dad. Use both names if it’s that hard.
why do mothers have all the rights ? The baby is both you and the ex. My brother is going through same thing. He desperately wants his baby but the ex has done the runner and now he has no rights. Disgusting that woman get everything. He's devastated.
I did a hyphenation surname for my LO despite hating my maiden name because I want bub to have ties to both sides of the family. Poor kid has a super long name but when he is school ready he can choose which name he prefers and go by a preferred name until he's ready to change it later down the line. That way he knows who he is and where he came from, especially when Dad decided to fuck off into the sunset when he was a year old.
I had all the same feelings you did but it was also about extended family, etc. Not that bub sees any of them due to distance, but it's symbolic in a way and that side of family has been grateful to be seen as family no matter what
Nope he can't inforce anything. You fill out the paperwork to register the baby with what ever name you decide.
Keep all messages from him especially ones that he has sent saying he didn't want the baby to show if needed for visitation or court
As someone who was pressured to use father's surname for our child, and then the father disappeared and has had nothing to do with the child for 6 years out of the child's 11 years on this earth, use your name.