Maybe a q for a therapist...but does anyone have any tips for forgiving/accepting that loved ones forgive/accept the cruelty of another to you? Or is it that they just don't believe what they've seen with their own eyes, or what has broken you? Really struggling with this. Am I that worthless?
10 Replies
Forgiving someone, or loving them unconditionally, is not the same as condoning someone's actions.
This
I 100% agree with this. But, most often than not, forgiving and loving unconditionally inadvertently condones the actions of others, and the cycle continues. I certainly don't have the answers to any of it, I've just seen it happen this way most of the time
I've seen the opposite unfortunately. Family cutting people out because they hurt people while psychotic or due to intrusive thoughts etc. People might do horrible things if they're unwell or in a bad place that don't represent who they are when they're well but they lose everything because they have a medical condition that wasn't treated
Have you ever had to care for someone with a psychotic disorder? Because it really isn't as simple as forgiving and loving unconditionally, I wish it was 😅
There are some things I’d cut a family member out for, there are some things I’d go low contact,
Some peoples definition of cruelty differs.
If my kid murdered someone I think Id still visit them in prison. Would I condone there actions, no.
Things just aren’t that black and white
Have you spoken with your loved one and asked them their story? It might be a place to start. Ask them if they know the hurt caused to you by the other person and ask they can understand why you struggle with that.
Often times I think miscommunication is to blame for family breakdowns. People assume other people should know how they think and feel, but really it just needs an honest convo.
Obviously I don't know your circumstances at all, so please don't be offended.
I think it’s common for family to bury things or not get involved in order to be able to move on and not be the one to rock the boat. You definitely need a psychologist to help you work out your own boundaries with those people.
My mother was emotionally abusive, I don't speak to her.
But I don't begrudge my grandmother and aunt (who I'm very close with) for still having a relationship with my mother, she's quite unstable these days and quite frankly needs the support of her mother and sister.
However, if my nan and aunt maintained a relationship with my abusive ex for example, that I'd have a really tough time getting past.
So I both get where you're coming from but I also know that it's not always black and white.
I think too many people push for forgiveness and guilt others when really boundaries should be the priority. Recognise your own worth and choose boundaries that align. E.g. if someone starts to become abusive on a phone call I will end it with 'I've got to go'. I will not engage or lower my energy to carry all their drama. It does not necessarily mean no contact but it may mean minimal contact. They soon realise who will or won't feed the drama. I do not talk to a couple of family members because they have just faded out of my life because I put boundaries in place. You can love someone without liking who they are or their behaviour. Protect yourself or you end up an eternal victim of toxic people. As for people accepting/condoning the behaviour it's sometimes because they have a lack of boundaries as well and would accept that treatment themselves or they just want to play peacekeeper. Know your own worth and put those boundaries in place