Hey Sisterhood, not sure where else to ask/vent š¤·āāļø so figured Iād ask you lovely ladies š„°
Iāve been seeing a wonderful caring loving guy for the last 2 months. His got 2 children and Iām still yet to meet them. He has them every 2nd weekend.
I donāt have children and have no interest in having them either (judge away Karenās) and thatās my choice.
My question is if you were seeing someone after 2 months would you have introduced that person to your children before this time of the year?
I also brought Christmas presents for the children, and have said to him he can write his name on them or from Santa.
Heās been saying Iāll meet them soon and I was hoping to have met them before Christmas as he has them for Christmas too š„°
I usually spend Christmas alone cause Iām the grinch and the black sheep of the family.
Am I being a bitch for saying that I donāt want to put my name on the presents and that Iām not willing to meet everyone Christmas Day (I suffer major anxiety) and rather meet the rest of his family and 2 children before Christmas then on Christmas Day when all eyes will be on me when I turn up there and my anxiety is through the roof.
Please help me with some advice š
19 Replies
I probably would wait until after Christmas to meet them. Christmas time can be an emotional day for separated kids as it's the one day where it really hits you that your parents aren't together and if they're spending the day with their Dad, they will be missing their Mum. You don't want to be seen as the substitute mum only 2 months in, they might really get their claws out and decide they don't like you from the start. If you meet them after Christmas you have all year to build a casual relationship with them before sharing family days like Christmas with them. Do you get what I mean?
6 months minimum in my opinion. I refused yo meet my step kids before that. You don't know how committed you are so early
Two months is way too soon to meet in my opinion! 6 - 12 months feels more suitable. I know youāre keen but in this situation we must put the childrenās feelings first.
Yeah meet them beforehand or just wait until after. If youāre not a social person then donāt put yourself through that for a 2 month old relationship. Youāre still very early in dating.
No itās not normal for you to have met the kids yet. And you wonāt even know if youāre in or out until youāve met them so thatās another reason not to show up at on Christmas family event right now.
He is probably aware youāre not into kids so is not pushing them on you, which is great. He also only has them 4 days a month, in parenting terms thatās pretty shitty/ slack FYI since you may have no comparison.
Overall it seems he thinks he will date you without ever progressing the relationship between you and his kids, he can keep it completely separate since he barely has them anyway. But he needs to realise that doesnāt work for you on social events.
Just skip it all this year, meet them in time and then next year youāll either more comfortable or know youāre not into it.
Just want to say you will really battle to find even one Karen on this page that is against your decision to not have kids, let alone plural Karen's. If you ever want to feel reassured in your decision just ask Mum's of young kids, we will tell you not to have them even if you wanted them lol.
I think it is perfectly ok you havenāt met the children yet.
Depending on the age of the kid. Dad probably wants to make sure the relationship is going somewhere first
It's totally okay that you don't want kids, I think you'll find it's a very small minority of people who wouldn't understand or respect that stance.
That choice is something you need to consider closely when dating someone who does have children though. When you enter a relationship with a parent, you take on their kids as well whether you like it or not. Step parenting can often be more challenging too.
People generally don't want to create any unnecessary disruption or confusion in their kids lives, that's probably why he's not in a rush! Speaking for myself, I prefer to take a very cautious approach woth this because growing up my dad was always introducing us to his new girlfriends prematurely. Broke my heart more than once when these nice ladies just dropped right out of my life without so much as a goodbye.
As for the gifts, I think you're being a tad silly. The kids don't really need another meaningless Santa gift but a prese.t from dads new girlfriend is a nice gesture and it will give you all something to talk about when you finally meet.
What I do agree with you about is meeting on Christmas. That'd be a firm hell nah from me too. I think a few small meet and greets before a whole family gathering is probably more appropriate.
I wouldnāt want to meet someone kids after 2 months, and I would not be introducing a live interest after 2 months. I will only introduce people who Iāve known for at least 6 months. I certainly wouldnāt be taking a new partner to Xmas day after a couple of months.
My kid needs stability, he needs to know Iām picky and do my due diligence, before an introduction is made.
As a mum, I'd not have anyone meet my kids in the first year. I'd want to be damn sure this person was in it for a long time, not a few months.
Sorry, I don't think it's unreasonable to have to wait.
You're not in the wrong for not putting your name on their presents (and it's lovely of you to get something for kids you don't know). Just go with your from Santa idea.
Step back, enjoy the early days of your relationship without the kids involved. It'll get tricky enough then so don't rush through.
I waited about 9 months before I met my stepson. I (and my partner) wanted to be sure about the relationship before I met him. And I definitely wouldn't be doing xmas with his family at 2 months. The first Xmas with my partner (which woupd have been 3 months together) we each went to our family xmas by ourselves, then met up later for dinner together.
If you have anxiety, meet the family slowly, and preferably not all in one hit.
My stepson recently asked me why I don't have kids (he's 14 now) and I said "I never wanted any" and he was like "haha fail!! Now you've got me!"
That's adorable š„°
I don't think anyone cares if someone doesn't want kids. Being a parent is so much tougher than anyone expects.... but coping with all the ups and downs for kids that aren't even yours is harder again. If you don't want kids, why are you setting yourself up to be a stepmum? That's the only thing that really stands out to me.
In answer to your question though, I don't think you should meet the kids on Christmas day. That's not an easy thing for kids and they deserve to just enjoy Christmas. I also agree with the other ladies though. Wait 6+ months
I don't care if you don't want kids and I'm not sure how old you are but maybe consider dating someone a bit older with grown up kids? I just don't understand being with someone who has young kids when you don't want kids yourself. I feel that'll you'll be resentful over it.
Every situation is totally different, I have my son 100% so he has met the person I'm seeing quite early on as otherwise we wouldn't see each other and I don't want my son feeling like I drop him to the grandparents to see this man, each to their own and parents know their kids better. This man you are seeing doesn't see his children much so he's probably keen to enjoy his quality time.
Christmas is alot and if the children are younger its a busy sensory overloaded time of year. Don't push it, he will ask you to meet them if and when he feels comfortable.
Just know whilst you don't want children, if you choose this relationship they come with it, yes they have a Mum but you will need to be another caring adult figure in their corner.
Get a grip, you don't tell the kids that you are dropping them off to see a man, you tell them they're going to spend time with nana and pop.
You mix it up a bit, you use babysitters as well.
Kids shouldn't be meeting new partners too early because of the inconvenience to you and the logistics.
We've all been there but you juggle it and put your kids first.
All comes to the age of your children and how you communicate. Its also not introducing someone new each week. So perhaps you get a grip
I think 2 months is too soon to meet kids, he is probably just making sure you are the person he wants to be with long term before getting the kids involved. Sounds like you might be insecure and a bit in your own head. just relax, if you meet family at christmas don't stress the upside of it being a busy day is you don't have to talk to anyone for long, or if you are nervous don't go, it's a very new relationship to be worried about all of this. Enjoy that he is trying not to ouch kids in you.
Two months is way too soon. I wouldn't be introducing a new partner to my children until I knew it was a permanent thing.
6 months/1 year minimum.
I need to be able to trust my new partner before my children form a relationship with them.
You will probably find that he has an agreement with his ex about timelines on children meeting their new partners and he is hopeful trying to respect her wishes on that.
I would put your name on the gifts as they will be nice to talk about when you do meet them. I also wouldn't do Christmas with his family especially if you are feel anxious about it already.
Oh gosh no. We waited over 6 months before meeting children and even that is a short period of time. There was no way we were going to introduce our kids until we were sure of us. It would not be fair on the kids if we did not make it. I would suggest enjoying your relationship for a while and making it solid before meeting the kids. Things are going to become much more complex afterwards š