Hi all,
I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, we have one child together.
In the past when we were very young he had trouble telling the truth. He was unfaithful a few times and always lied until I found out from someone else. Then he would double down blaming me in some way, calling me crazy etc before caving and admitting that he was in the wrong. Now we were teenagers then, and through it all we built trust back up by me explaining that the truth is all I care about, I’m not a very jealous person so I can work with that. Nomatter what it is, or how small, please tell me and there’s nothing we can’t work out. That was always a very clear boundary from me.
Fast forward to now, we are in our 30s with a child, he goes away on a bucks weekend, totally fine had a great time. Tells me something, which was strange. I said listen is that all of it? As long as you tell me I don’t care what it is. He said it was and that was that, I didn’t ask again. We go to the wedding and in one of the speeches they are referring to something my husband did. I confront him about it and he goes off yelling at me saying he should be able to lie about it because it’s not a big deal. This had to do with him hitting on another woman and offering to buy her a drink.
In my eyes, this isn’t the kind of behaviour I thought we exhibited in our marriage, but I don’t care. It’s that he lied and then made me feel crazy for thinking that wasn’t ok.
Now I feel as though I can’t trust him, and he doesn’t care one bit. He’s actually so angry at me about it.
I’m questioning everything and feel as though the trust has been broken, and have no friends to talk to about it. He was my best friend and I’m hurt that he doesn’t care.
What do I do and what do I think? He’s very difficult to talk to and will just yell and me if I try to reason with him to put himself in my shoes.
16 Replies
He's not who you want him to be. Is this what your next 15 years looks like?
Sounds like the typical he "wants to have his cake and eat it too" scenario. You're still young - is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Of course you can’t trust him he friggen deserves it and he is a sly cheating dog who is throwing his filthy shade on to you. Get out and live the life that you deserve. Stand up for yourself.
Thankyou all for taking the time to give me your advice. I’m taking some time to take care of myself for once so I can think clearly and make some decisions for me.
I have literally just told my cheating husband to leave, he has a history of at least 3 affairs that he has had, I was always to blame, he twisted my reality and I believed his constant lies. He has left for his affair partner and tbh I never felt better, apart from being heartbroken. My actual anxiety has gone he was clearly causing it. The kids and I are so much happier. I was always afraid to be on my own but I have embraced being single and I now know I was used, disrespected, manipulated etc listen to the red flags and leave.
Good on you for doing that for you and your kids! It’s so fkn hard to make that decision, I’m like you afraid of being alone. Never been with anyone else. But it almost is worse staying anyway, still heartbroken just having to deal with it all again and again. I feel like this time I’m realising nothing will change. I have to decide how I want my life to look, even if it means having to start all over again.
I have literally just told my cheating husband to leave, he has a history of at least 3 affairs that he has had, I was always to blame, he twisted my reality and I believed his constant lies. He has left for his affair partner and tbh I never felt better, apart from being heartbroken. My actual anxiety has gone he was clearly causing it. The kids and I are so much happier. I was always afraid to be on my own but I have embraced being single and I now know I was used, disrespected, manipulated etc listen to the red flags and leave.
22 year marriage, we got together very early in life and I didn’t even know what red flags were or toxic relationship, I was so niave to think all people were nice … like me
It’s so messed up isn’t it? How they can take something so black and white their fault, and be so manipulative twisting you into believing you’re to blame. I’ve only ever been with him aswell and it’s so hard to know what’s right and wrong, what are red flags etc. and I’m like you, all loyal and trusting thinking if I treat him right he will do the same for me? Wrong. The older I get the more I’m realising it’s always been like this and it’s just not worth the pain. We’ve all been given one life, too precious to waste like this!!
You sound exactly like me… I wish you all the best. It’s a hard battle tbh but I do feel a lot better. I know I deserve better and so do you. I would also recommend you start organising your financial situation and go and see a solicitor early to protect yourself. I am currently working on my consent orders he claims he will be amicable but he hasn’t really… also recommend your child and you gets professional counselling too. I found a good podcast (the divorce course podcast) was super helpful.
Best of luck lovely, I wish you all the best x
Also recommended you look up narsitistic behaviour. I am absolutely certain my ex husband is one… not sure if it’s relevant to your case though
I went to get an STI check today, I almost felt like, I can’t ever know the full truth with him, but what I can control is to take care of myself and make sure I’m ok. I’m not putting my well-being in anyone else’s hands anymore, it felt almost liberating doing something to take care of me. Thankyou so much for your advice, and for the podcast suggestion I will listen to it for sure. I sacrificed my career to be a stay at home mum because it worked for us, I was naive now I see. I have to start from zero now, so I’ve also opened up my own bank account today so I can start sorting out my financial independence.
As I sit here and think of what he put me through in the last few years, I can’t help but think I should have known all along.
Just to put it in perspective, I went to the hens a week before the bucks he went to, and I organised it so I was paying for things that would be paid back to me. I was so transparent with him that all the money would be coming back to us and he was fine with it (this was for his close family member). Then he absolutely lost it at me over money when I got back, he saw no reason and verbally abused me for an entire night, shouting all of it. Even though I didn’t spend a cent over budget. Completely irrational and made me feel so awful because I did nothing wrong, he was just letting out his frustration on me.
Then he goes to the bucks and spends our money on buying drinks for random women. Classic. I genuinely want to be single forever, I don’t see why I should endure any more of this bullshit.
Thank you so much beautiful ❤️ xx it’s not easy being a woman and mum. All we have is each other seriously. I need to go out and find my mum tribe!
He's defensive and angry because he got caught. A leopard does not change it's spots. He sounds like my ex who was a deadset sleaze and would project all his nasty crap on to me whenever he was caught out.
You deserve better and he will continue to lie because he knows there's a point at which you will not tolerate his crap anymore.
I left my deadbeat ex and years later found someone who treats me so well it makes me angry I was with such a loser who never appreciated me. Known my current partner for approx 7 years, together 5 and he still treats me with respect and kindness.
It's hard but there is better out there x
You’re so right about them never changing really. Thank you so much for the kind words, I guess it’s hard for me to see the hope there now. I’m so happy you’ve found someone who treats you with kindness, reading that word when you wrote it made me realise that’s it! That’s all I want. Kindness. My husband is not kind 😞 to me anyway. To others he very much is.
I hope to find what you have one day xx
Honestly I spent years dating before finding him. I rejected relationships altogether after my ex lol. My partner turned up and I just knew. I was so attracted to his kindness!
My partner still had to work hard to break down my walls. I did not even realise some of the things I was doing e.g. I was taught to be silent and stand back behind my ex whenever he ran into friends. My partner was confused when I did it and wondered where I was and why I was not standing beside him holding his hand lol. I had to explain to him where that came from. My partner said some people exaggerate how bad their exes are but he found out I was definitely not exaggerating.
I thought I had healed alot before my partner but it turns out you still continue to heal when someone comes along and treats you with respect ❤
Life is too short to spend with anyone who does not see your worth x The only regret I walked away with was that I did not leave him sooner.
Being aggressive and unapproachable is the biggest warning sign. He doesn’t respect you and he’ll damage you behind your back and to your face to protect himself.