I want to start off by saying that this is a long story and I apologise. I have 2 kids and I love them to bits! My daughter 11 now, almost 12. She's such a beautiful, smart, easy going little girl and Ive never really had an issues with her till now. This weekend I coped a lot of smart a*s attitude from her and this shift of attitude has really caught me off guard. I don't know if it's the age or something going on but it's really not like her.
I've been a single mum for about 7-8 years, I share care with her father but she lives with me. Her father and I havent been together since she was born but she is able to see her father when ever she wants to. Even though we dont get along in the slightest I am really not fussed about her spending as much time as she wants with him even if it means sacrificing my weekends with her every now and then because I believe she has a beautiful relationship with him, her step mum and her younger sister.
I also have my son as well, he's 8 and I had him to the man I was with for 4 years after her father. Hes a ball of energy, crazy loving little boy, I have him 100% of the time as his father has walked out on him. My kids don't really get along most of the time, it's the age gab, different interests and completely different personalities. Sibling rivals at its finest sometimes but they do adore each other and have quality time together and when theyre both happy, it's a really good relationship most of the time.
This week passed her step mum gave birth to her new baby sister and my daughter was sooo excited! Her step mum got home from hospital Wednesday night, so her father and I discussed our daughter taking the Friday off school so she can spend time with the baby and celebrate her step mums birthday, which I thought was a beautiful idea even though it was my weekend with her, I didn't mind. Thursday came and I left work early so I could take my daughter shopping for a gift for her step mum and the baby before dropping her off to her dad. I brought my daughter and her step mum matching necklaces that she chose as a nice token of their love for each other and a little soft doll she picked out for her baby sister to keep forever. I drop her off and everything was all okay. We had amazing conversations in the car about things she can do to help with the baby and all the cute snuggles she can have now that she's much older than when she was when her other little sister and brother were born.
While she was at her dads I spent time with a man I just started dating about 5-6 months ago. Lately we have spent alot of time together mostly weekend days and it has turned into something pretty serious. He has his kids 100% of the time as well so we both usually send our kids to their grandparents for dates or to spend time with each other, we both have the massive supports behind us to have time together which I am so greatful for. We now want all the kids to finally meet and see how the dynamics of that would work before getting into a relationship. I asked both my kids before this was meant to happen if it was okay with them and if they both wanted to meet his kids and they seemed pretty excited about it. Unfortunately plans were adjusted the Thursday before because my daughter's step mum had her baby early. When plans changed I had a conversation with my daughter about her meeting his kids another weekend because her seeing baby sister was a little more important at the time an she was good with it. We went ahead with the weekend, we all met at the beach had some lunch and had a really nice time, it was a really good day.
Come Sunday I picked up my daughter that night as per usual. We talked about our weekends, she went first and talked about how happy she was with her little sister then asked about my weekend, I started telling her what I did and noticed she got annoyed, so I rediracted the conversation back to her baby sister and asked if she had adorable squishy baby roles and really got nothing from her after that.
Later that night after dinner I did try to have a conversation with her about it but just copped attitude like "I really don't care", "yeah what ever, that guy" and some other nasty comments she said her dad made about me having too many boyfriends, I really dont. Now after these comments I feel she's a little annoyed about me dating and possibly annoyed that her brother got to meet his kids and not her or even that she's mentioned this to her dad and her dads gotten upset about it. I have never seen this type of jealousy or attitude from her before, shes usually a happy go lucky kid. I reinterated that she went to dads because of her new baby sister and said "You told me you were okay with this" I copped more attitude from her and got extremely annoyed! I ended up assertively saying that she needs to understand that I am the adult and although she has a lot of freedoms to choose who she spends time with because she's shown she is responsible enough to choose, she is still the child and I will not stand her attitude! It ended in her crying and saying she's going to live with her dad, she screamed at me and slammed her bedroom door in my face which she has never done before and now I feel like I shouldn't have even told her about the weekend.
She has met the guy I'm dating and I didn't really get the vibe that she didn't like him! she actully got along with him really well and was joking and having fun with him! so now I'm extremely confused! Is this a pre teen attitude or is this something more? I really like this guy and I'm so over the moon that I have found someone after so long and I am so ready for that type of love in my life. Reading what I wrote about my conversation with my daughter I know I kinda stuffed that one up a bit, I am only human and there isn't a hand book to being a mum hey!!
Now I really dont know how I can find out how she's feeling or what's going on if she's just starting conflict with me, is there any tips I can go about this conversation? I want us all to be okay and happy.
Edit: The man I am dating I have known for 8 years, he's a friend of the family and had lived hours away since before last year, now closer we've found feelings
22 Replies
Just because she said she would be ok with something, doesn’t mean that feelings didn’t come up for her. Even as an adult, I think I’ll be ok with something, but then I’m not!
Add on to that, things her dad may have said, and this is potentially her 2nd step dad, and creating an even more complex family situation than already exists, plus a change in dynamics at dads.
She is going to have complicated feelings. All pretty normal, I think.
At this age she also has hormones racing all over the shop!
Sometimes when feelings are complicated it comes out in anger and ‘disrespect’ because they can’t express what’s going on, and feel like they have no right to have feelings, because 1) you asked if it was ok, 2) she said it was ok (but things are not that simple in real life).
If you add all the things up it might become a bit clearer.
1. She's a pre teen, they can be as bad or worse than teenagers it all depends on hormones and puberty, especially girls as they go through it earlier.
2. Change. New baby even though she seemed fine it's still a change and she might have felt a shift in her usual or expected part in that family on the weekend.
3. Dad sounds like he's been talking negatively about you. So while you've been talking about them beautifully positive and encouraging that relationship it seems as though Dad hasn't been doing the same for you. So all your daughter heard is great things about her Dad from your home to his and only bad things about you. I'm not saying you should start talking negatively about them but become your own promoter. Don't be so positive about them when their relationship with your daughter is already strong. Keep it neutral, let her know that what he said isn't fair and having a boyfriend doesn't make you a bad parent you will always put your kids first within reason, obviously not going to end relationships due to her being hormonal.
All those things together explains her attitude. I'm not sure what I would do about her moving to her Dad's, if you think she's mature enough to make that decision then put the ball in her court. She could have just said it in the heat of the moment and she could come back not long after leaving when she sees it wasn't as perfect as she thought.
Since she's already had one step-dad, plus she has a step mum at the other place, plus siblings (half and step I assume) etc. I would want to be REALLY sure before introducing.
Plus, dad has mentioned you having a lot of boyfriends, so how many have you introduced to the kids?
I wouldn't involve the kids at this stage, 5-6 months is such a short time.
I've had 2 boyfriends in 15 years, 1 of them being her dad the other my sons dad. I've been single 7-8 years and never introduced anyone I was involved with romantically to my children and even if I did it would be none of her father's business!! He's always been annoyed that I have friends who come over with their kids or children's parties I go to with my kids, it's always been "oh your in another relationship" when I'm not. And 5-6 months regardless being short, we are both at the stage we feel like we know enough about each other and trust each other enough to know what we are both like, we want to move forward and do family things together instead of avoiding it and both also want to know if that dynamic actually works for everyone before getting to much kore involved with each other, it's not like moving in with each other. My sons with me 100% of the time, his kids are with him 100% of the time, it's really not fair on them to be going off to their grandparents for us to spend time with each other.
I probably should edited that I've known this man for 8 years.
Sounds strange your ex would say/think those things out of nowhere, plus your daughter said the same.
Does he think you party too much?
Is there a lot of drinking involved at these parties.
Feels like there is more to the story, like your daughter doesn't trust you to make the right decision regarding men.
You can be friends with someone 50 years and not know their true personality as a partner, most abusive men do it in the home and are a model citizens outside with their friends/acquaintances.
My ex and I don't get along and have always argued so I'm not surprised he would say things about me. Also I don't drink, and they're children's parties or play dates. This has turned into a lot of assumptions to be honest.
Yep, single mum of course you're partying and getting legless every weekend and bringing a new man home every time you go out, what else do single mums do 🙄
I'm also a single mum and have been single ages and ex wouldn't say this, either would my kids, because it just isn't true.
If ex said it, my kids would be like what the hell, mum doesn't have boyfriends.
Look, you can be honest and get better responses that may help you, or not.
Why would you assume this person isnt being honest?
Just because your ex doesn't do something doesnt mean you should assume someone else's wouldn't!! Some people can be extremely petty for a very long time! You may find yourself in a similar situation on day and then have someone turn around with negativity and accused you of lying based on their own experience because "their ex dosent do it" or "their children don't do it".. Really really isn't helpful at all!!
Okay, so assuming the ex is just making stuff up and daughter is being a little sh**, saying that but knowing it's a fabrication.
Assuming the ex is so unreasonable, he doesn't like "children's parties" where everyone drinks cordial and has a jolly time.
Your daughter is clearly uncomfortable with the situation, so I wouldn't force it and maybe bring it up in a month or two.
If she still wants to live with her dad, maybe you should allow it and see how it goes.
Why did you proceed with it if your daughter couldn't attend? It's not really a good way to start things off, you want everything to be fair from the beginning and she already has missed out on the most important occasion, all the kids meeting each other. I think you need to be more sensitive to this kind of stuff as kids can feel misplaced when the blended family comes along.
No shit! Can’t believe the responses. Bet dad hasn’t had too many girlfriends 😂 petty answers.
It’s not strange coming from an ex! You don’t expect them to be honest about boyfriends do you. This mum sounds amazing and supportive of her ex and his partner and children. I think this ex needs to grow up and appreciate her for being so kind.
I don’t know what sort of exes you girls have but get in the real world. I’ve barely heard anyone speak nice about their ex and yet here you all are questioning this mum, who is doing just that. Not criticising him and doing the right thing by him and his family. My ex has said a lot of untrue things. Shows the type of loser he is and why he is an ex.
But hey dad can move on and have a baby and this mum is supportive of them all. I’d say he’s just a bitter man and needs to show the same respect toward this mum than she shows him. Why would a father say that to his child? This is not the mums problem here, this is his problem and says a lot about him. This mum is amazing, supportive and reaching out. This says way more about her as a parent. Well done mum, you are doing amazing and if you want to move on with this man then you do so. Your daughter will adjust, just like she has with dad and his new baby. Just show her some extra time with the 2 of you, so she doesn’t feel forgotten. She’s prob a bit fragile at the moment adjusting to Dad and one of his girlfriends 🙄 she will take it out on you, because she is comfortable with you. Dads a dick telling her such crap! Thinking of himself and getting his dig in about you.
The whole post made my skin crawl, it's so fake.
When someone challenged/questioned her about a few things, her true side came out.
Then she deleted it.
I think dad is the stable one and the daughter is over mum and her boyfriends.
I'm going to be really honest but you're giving your ex too much credit. He's just being a dad. He's not amazing for doing all of that. You'd never say a mum is amazing for seeing her child whenever. I think she's taken that on board that you're constantly saying how awesome and amazing he and his wife are but they're not saying the same about you. So now your daughter has seen you and her brother visit the step kids and she feels left out and your ex and his wife haven't backed you up.
I would discuss with her that you know she is upset about the situation and you are very sorry. I'd ask her if she'd like to suggest a place to meet the kids and you'll make that happen. Don't go on about her new sister or her dad. Just focus on your family for now.
I thought the same. ‘I don’t mind giving up my time anytime she wants for them to have a relationship’ next minute that time is actually only a weekend here and there.
Yep and I wish people would stop giving men so much praise and credit for doing the bare minimum!
She’s jealous. She missed out on something and her hormones are telling her to be jealous and mad and that she’s not important to you and something huge happened and you did it without her because you don’t care. All that stuff. You won’t win by using logic or reasoning or saying well she made her choice. She wanted to be in two places at once and she couldn’t be.
Just empathise, and make sure you make a big deal out of making the point that you missed out on getting her opinion and you care about that and still need to do that.
She would be feeling like she is losing part of her mum and she is at a fragile age. I think maybe back off for now, don’t talk about him too much and keep going on with her the way that you always have. Just seen him when she’s not there and ease into eventually. You are her life and to see you with another man who isn’t her dad prob hurts her. Even though he has moved on. It’s not the same. She’s always had you. Or you can tackle it head on and involve him more and she just has to get used to it. It’s your life. You can go either way. She would also be feeling it that her dad has a new baby. I must say it’s so nice of you to buy gifts and treat her step mum this way and include them. It’s such a lovely thing to do and for your daughter to see. Well done.
Her dad is probably looking at her sister the way he looks at her and she's feeling insecure. She's probably so enamoured with the baby that she hasn't identified that. But not getting to meet your boyfriend probably made that feeling bigger. I doubt her dad said anything to be honest. She is probably lashing out to hit you where it hurts because that's what she is feeling.