My 20yr old son is in a toxic relationship with a narcissist. They have been together for 2 years and it all started by his previous girlfriend being "displaced" by her best friend. I know they are both in the wrong in this situation but it says a lot about a person who does this to her best friend.
Current girlfriend is manipulative and works behind the scenes to get her way. She moved into our home without consultation and lived here but never really participated in the household. Then she decided they should move out with a friend and get their own place. From day 1 the friend was an irritant to her and this lasted 2 months. Then they moved back to her family's property out of town to a little home. They seemed quite happy there until they went away one weekend and she broke up with him while they were 4 hours from home and in her car. She decided she was moving 4 hours away and he didn't want to move so she broke up with him. They also have 2 large dogs that didn't factor into her decision at all.
My son moved back home and was confused and devastated. Every morning I was relieved to see he was still alive. He was so low. We found a solution for the dogs with no help from her.
They were split up for 3 months and then she decides they should give it another go. There is not a single person who thinks this is a good idea except for them. He's been doing most of the travel. Now he wants to move to where she is. I know he is an adult but this is such a bad idea. She is so unstable and could change her mind at the drop of a hat like she has done before. She works casually and to move he will be giving up his apprenticeship. He has the best boss who really looks after him and treats him like family. I'm so worried he's going to throw it all away and end up heartbroken and with nothing. He is also losing his mates over this decision as she has not treated them well.
I have told him how I feel and now I think I'm losing him. We have always been so close. I have raised him as a single mum.
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13 Replies
Normally I would say let it be...but...if he throws his apprenticeship away he risks his future. If he was my son I would be concerned too. Is there a male he looks up to that can have a chat to him and tell him this is crazy? Point out all the crazy stuff that's happened. And the fact he had to get rid of 2 dogs only for her to change her mind.
I've pointed out all the things that are not healthy but it doesn't seem to make a difference. He keeps saying its what he wants. I'm sick with worry. He didn't get rid of the dogs, we just had to find a solution for them. Now if course they are playing happy families... dogs included, like nothing has happened.
I meant for a male to do it. Sometimes our kids can see us as just nagging especially if she's got in his ear about you. If it comes from a male he might listen.
You need to start informing him about healthy and unhealthy relationships. Signs of abuse. Effects of abuse. It’s not pretty but most of us aren’t actually ever told, and when we need to know it’s way too late. Then you can stop making it personal, it’s not about your opinion, it’s about toxic people and situations. And you’ll find they weren’t fine out on the property, he just was able to hide it better. So don’t be fooled when he moves far away and things are ‘great’.
Thank you for saying this. 100% nobody ever says "these things are abusive behaviours and I am worried you are in an abusive relationship".
Especially no-one says it to boys.
Thank you. I know it's unhealthy all too well because I've been in exactly the same situation in the past. I don't want him to go through what I did and I've told him that. It doesn't seem to make a difference. I feel like I've let him down and he doesn't value himself enough to think that he deserves better.
My brother is your son. His wife has been like this from day 1, he has left her and even given her divorce papers. She is good for a bit then back to same old. 20 years probably longer together. She conned him into not talking to me until last xmas day I rang him he was at work (night shift)we chatted for ages, he calls me now quite regularly when he is at work. She doesn’t know.
My hubby chats to him, seems to help
Maybe another male can talk to him, it needs to be someone who isn’t ‘telling him whats right’
I cross fingers one day my brother kicks her for good. She sucks my mum into her bull, they both forgive her terrible behaviour but not hubby and I, she hates me, she knows I see through her.
It’s sounds like all kinds of toxic but also this is your perspective and it may not actually be the case but as a mother I completely understand the need to protect your babies. Is his girlfriend been diagnosed by a professional or are you just throwing diagnoses around? It happens so often nowadays. And we would all like to think our own children are the bees knees and it’s everyone else with the problem. But I’m sure you’re probably only getting his version of events …. I’d certainly voice my opinion to my child but I would support them in any decision they make as I wouldn’t want to push them away
I am under no illusion as to how perfect or imperfect my son is...I see him for who he is. What I also see is that when he is with her he no longer does things with his mates, he doesn't play sport and is pushing everyone away. His whole world becomes her. At least he has his work but if he moves away he has nothing when she dumps him again.
He knows I love him and he knows I will always be his safe place, I just don't want him to ruin his future by giving up his awesome job and losing all his mates.
Ultimately this is his decision and if you push too hard you run the risk of not only losing him but also of closing the door to his safe space and isolating him further, which is exactly what Narcs (if she is one) try to do to gain further control.
I would talk to him about all the possible consequences of these choices. I would even see if he could pause his apprenticeship or see if there is an opportunity to come back to same employers if he changes his mind.
If he has decided to go, he is going to go but have that discussion around healthy relationships and being careful not to get trapped (birth control) until their relationship is stable.
Then tell him no matter what he decides to do the door is open any time of day or night if he needs to come home. Let him know you love him and will support him with whatever he decides to do. He is going to have lots of people telling him not to. He just needs to know his mum is always his safe space and he can come back if she starts acting like a fruitloop, which may not take long at all...
He knows I'm his safe space. I tell him all the time. I will support him no matter what.... like I did last time she dumped him. It will happen again, I just don't want to see him lose his career and mates in the mean time.
I can almost feel your anguish reading this. If they are real mates they will still be there. I guess apart from begging what can you do??
Would he consider waiting a little longer as a compromise? Just be prepared for the no 😔
My mum was the master at dealing with my toxic relationships when I was that age.
She said nothing, let me make my mistakes while being there when it all fell apart. The more you push the more he will pull away. Let it run its course. We have all been there, given too much, hurt, cried, gave up stuff we shouldn't have. It doesn't matter what other people say, we needed to learn those lessons on our own and so does your son.
You sound like an amazing mum! Sometimes we just have to stand back and hope that all the love and experiences we gave our kids kicks in and they make the right choice.