Hi. It may be a long one.
So I’ve been seeing someone for over two years now. We live in different towns (3hrs drive one way) I always go to his 2-3 nights a week. We both have kids. I go to his when my kids are with their dad. He is a shift worker so I just go when I can and see him when he's home. He has his son on his days off. So he never comes to mine (very rarely anyway) our kids are young 7-9yo's. We've had some problems with him being 'over strict' with my kids and them not wanting to see him but have worked on that. I have no intentions of moving for at least 3-4 years and I know he will never move here and leave his son. So it will be another few years of me doing this drive weekly. I'm also having issues with his son who is 9. Only child and thinks he's an adult and better than everyone. Always hangs around the adults instead of playing with kids butting into conversations etc. He manipulates his dad constantly by ignoring his dads instructions straight up in his face then when he gets in trouble he just says ‘sorry I won’t do that again’ (but turns around and doesn’t do what’s he’s asked again and again) then to smooth things over he throws in ‘ I love you dad’ and it’s just so empty just saying it to suck up and I honestly don't trust or believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I'm trying to be kind but I really struggle even talking to him.
I'm also starting to feel like I'm not getting any time for me to do the things I want. Like getting back into sports I loved pre children as I just don't have time cos I'm either with my kids doing mum stuff (which I love) or I'm at his place and just slipping into his life there.
Our sex life is great. I know he loves me and cares for me and wants us to be forever. And I love them and if I think of him not being in my life it makes me sad. But I also have wants and thoughts about my life with just me and the kids. I really don't know what to do.
He can be bossy and I guess tries to get me to do things his way. And I do get nervous/stressed when we are going to do 'family' stuff with the kids as I worry he will be too harsh again and upset my kids.
I don't even know what I'm asking just needed to get it out.
Thanks for reading it all
19 Replies
You can see the signs that this is not going to work long term but you don't want to believe it. Everything revolves around him and his son. So it's not ok for him to move away from his son but it is ok for you to either move away from yours or move them from their other parent? He already treats your kids poorly by bossing them around and treating his kid differently to yours, imagine living like that all the time? Your kids will be miserable and so will you. Do what's going to inevitably happen in the future and break it up now. Do all the things you've been wanting to do on your days off. So lucky you're not living with him!
He won’t go out of his way to see you, would never move to be with you, you bring your kids to him and he’s mean, enough for them to dislike him. He doesn’t love you - this is not what you should settle for. You’re doing all the giving here.
It sounds like just plain bad timing. He doesn't see your kids often enough to build any sort of relationship with them, and that could be part of him being so strict (I love my family kids, but I also don't like other people's kids at all) . If your kids don't want to be around him, respect that.
It's pretty shit that all the travelling is down to you.
I kinda wonder, if you started expecting him to come to you more, and stood up to his bossiness - would he bother? Or just make excuses?
And yep, the "no time for me" - that's going to wear you down. Your own life is basically on hold running around at his beck & call.
Is it really worth it?
The second a new man in my life started being too harsh/strict with my kids, especially in a LDR situation like yours where he's not really involved enough to take on a parental role - that relationship would be done!
Good sex is the only redeeming quality your relationship has. Maybe it's just me but I don't think good sex is worth the trade off of doing all the travel, eventually moving 3 hours away, tolerating a kid you don't like or trust and worrying that family outings will be ruined because your partner might go all Hitler on your kids...
So is the good sex worth your children's discomfort?
You don't even live together yet, he sees your kids rarely and he can't be kind/fun to them?
Stop doing all the heavy lifting and you'll see how much he cares about you.
And please stop "working through" aka making your kids be around him, this isn't their problem to resolve.
I would actually dial the relationship back. So spend a little less time together and without the kids. You will then be able to work out how you really feel as you have no real intention of living together until the kids have grown anyway.
Spending a bit more time apart will also allow you to do those things you want to do and work out if you really want to continue putting your effort into this relationship.
It's not an all or nothing scenario, if you are unsure just take a little more time to figure it all out 🥰
We did the no kids for a bit but he’s said there’s no point if kids are kept out of it
Different commenter, question to the OP.
How do you stay with and respect someone who doesn't see the best in your kids and has to be told to treat them kindly and fairly?
Someone looks at my kids sideways for no legitimate reason and I don't like them.
I honestly don't get the posts on here with people who repartner and the kids are treated harshly and the mother allows it
I want someone not even to just tolerate my kids, but to like and care about them and see how special they are.
I guess you/I want to believe that he’s doing it because he cares and wants what is best for them in the long run?? I honestly don’t know.
Maybe you don't know because your priority is to keep him happy and you haven't considered the impact his ways are having on your kids?
So many stories from adults on here about how they were mistreated as kids by a step parents and most don't have a good relationship with their mother.
I think you need to switch your priorities.
Also, if he were doing it with good intentions, he would be the same with his own child, wouldn't he?
That would be his consistent parenting method, but it is only reserved for your kids.
He is strict on his own child. He’s a lot stricter parent than I am. I’m pretty chill. But my kids are good kids. Well behaved well mannered. His child I guess partly because of the strict parenting is polite etc but it’s just so false. He’s also never happy and just thinks he’s better.
That's not the impression from your post, you implied the kid runs the roost and is spolit/manipulative.
You seem to be defending him, I don't understand why
Do you work or have other things going on in your life.?
Because I feel like if you did, you wouldn't give this bloke and his son a look in.
Sorry by manipulate I mean he straight up doesn’t do what he’s asked thrn when in trouble says he will change. Then throws in a ‘I love ya dad’ and all is good in the world. Just knows how to play the game.
Yes I work 30hrs a week ish. The days I don’t have my kids I drive down to him
In response to OP that's a red flag for me. If he does not allow you to have your own voice in this relationship then that is not good. I know I suggested dialing it back but it sounds like he is dictating all the terms. This is not healthy for you or your children x
I will mention I have a blended family and came from one. Adore my stepfather as he was just a beautiful man. My kids admire my partner too as he is fair, never dictates and allows me to be the parent. I also get along well with my stepson. It can be done but you need someone who treats you as an equal. Do you think you are selling yourself short??
He needs to listen to you and consider your feelings, that is the only way a partnership works and lasts.
He was happy to not see mine for a bit but if I wanted to see him I had to see his son. Then said it’s all or nothing. I think he does dictate alot. And I go along to avoid conflict. N he says it’s only cos he cares about my kids and wants them to grow up well. Again I will say my kids are kind caring friendly well behaved kids.
I would love them all to get along but I honestly don’t know if that will happen. My kids see him now but I think that’s cos they think that’s what I want
How do you work 30 hours if you spend 2-3 nights a week 3 hours away, based on his own shift work schedule?
What kind of custody agreement do you have?
30 ish. I do 3 10 hour days. I go to his the same days and if he’s at work I just do my own stuff till he’s home
Their dad had them 5 nights a fortnight
You poor thing, driving three hours after working a 10 hour day, I feel for you.
All that driving, you must be exhausted.
I say take your life back.
He compromises and meets you half-way in the relationship, or I would end it.