I’m a single mum to an autistic 5yo, she has only recently been diagnosed so we are still waiting for OT involvement which I’m hoping will help improve our current struggles but until then I need some help and advice on a few things. The first being emotional regulation, especially with disappointment so we have issues at swimming if she doesn’t get a certificate I get hit, kicked and whipped with her towel, I don’t want to take her out of swimming as she really enjoys it and I know I won’t take her as often if I did, and I can’t afford private lessons, but I’m struggling on how to handle it because everyone looks at us and she often just looks like a badly behaved kid when I know deep down she is struggling to handle the disappointment of not getting a certificate, and this goes beyond swimming any time she gets told no or can’t have something I get the exact same behaviour and it’s exhausting, I get called a “f**king idiot,” a d**khead, and many other names and it’s exhausting. Secondly she doesn’t respect any physical boundaries I have she will climb all over me jump all over me throw herself on me, and does it all the time any time I sit down I’m a target and can’t get a minute of piece and quiet and often have to remove myself and sit somewhere secluded just for some peace. Lastly I seem to always have to watch her like a hawk as if I’m not she will destroy things or do things I do not ask her to do, and she will wait until I leave the room to do these things, and it makes it difficult to get anything done around the house as I know she will be right behind me undoing everything I have done or just making more mess. I’m exhausted by everything at the moment and trying to keep up with her, work and the house and feel like I’m failing at them all… any advice would be greatly appreciated.
6 Replies
Fuck that. I’d put her up for adoption
That’s really not helpful.
Fences to keep her places.
Visual schedules help a lot of kids.
Let her know what’s going to happen beforehand. Let her know the expectation. Ie) you’re going to play outside for 1 hour. You can use the hose and the buckets, you can garden, you can bounce, and at 1 o’clock you can come inside for a bath and then a big drink and a snack.
I would put a gate on the playroom as well. Stack two baby gates or install a pool fence type gate. And set out activities to keep her interest.
Then do the same there.
you’ll probably have to stay or pop back more frequently at first, but she’ll get used to it.
The thing that helps kids the most at this age is emotional regulation. Naming different emotions, identifying what they feel like and look like. What makes us feel it. What helps us when we feel it. There’s lots and lots online for this.
The lady above gave some good advice, but I would just add, maybe consider the people she is exposed to.
My 5 year old didn't even know those words at that age, she must be hearing it somewhere?
I imagine those people wouldn't be good influences in other aspects either.
From personal experience. The watching like a hawk took some time for me to be able to back off. For us it was to the point I couldn’t even go to the loo.
So I could get a break we spent a lot of time in fenced playgrounds! Find a safe spot where the behaviour is the best and use it! I was ably to ease off on watching initially a minute at a time and catching him doing the right thing and praising!!!
When he developed some strong interests in play activities that really helped. Less likely to be destructive if he was actively engaged in an activity. That’s been different things over the years.
The certificate thing for some kids is practice in a safer setting. But depending on how bad the meltdown gets I’d probably wait for a professional to help you through that one.
I found routine helped a lot with some clear rules. We had positive reinforced tactics with clear consequences for negative behaviour they we couldn't ignore.
I would keep to swimming, but reassure her that not everyone gets a certificate. If she "needs" a certificate, communicate with her instructor about her special needs and explain her behavioural issues.
Where does she get her language from? Kids mirror their environment. Kids with additional needs are no different but easily manipulated and lead so they conform. So to whoever uses that language to you, because she obviously sees that and is mirroring it on to you, I'd remove them from your life and be mindful of how you react to other people's behaviour and how you react to those triggers.
I taught my son it's OK to have feelings of anger but it's not ok to call people names especially if you don't know what that means. I put it back on him saying "why is Y a bitch?" If I got back "... because she's a bitch." I would say "Are you just upset by Y for doing something you don't like?" "She is a bitch." "What did Y do that you didn't like?" "She took my pen without asking." Then I said that it's OK to be angry, but if Y took your pen without asking, you need to articulate what the issue is, rather than call her names. You will get into trouble. If you ask for your pen back and she doesn't give it back, you need to tell your teacher what is happening so your teacher can manage the situation. Calling people names does not get your pen back."
If you call people dickheads, fucking idiots and whatever else when you're upset, she has learnt that from you and thinks that is what you do in a conflict situation. You've got to address the way you cope with conflict, and if you must use language like that to vent, vent when she is at day care or child care.
That brings me to childcare. Find out if childcare has spots for special needs children and day respite for parents. She might benefit from social interaction with other little friends. It will help in her emotional development and you need to get counselling.
If you are able to, put things in boxes and store them in places she can't reach. Only have minimal things accessible and start child proofing your house. If you don't want her to break things, get into valuables, have access to things you don't want her to have, put them away.