Long story:
What would you do?
Been with my husband for 20 years
I had a drunken affair years ago i told him about it we went to counselling etc but he never got over now gets jealous any time I talk to any male, he is convinced I am sleeping with my boss as I have had to do some long hours asked me to quit my job its him or the job.
Then tells me i am not putting my family first because I wont quit.he then changed my nickname in his phone to be cheater.... fast forward I have found out he has naked pictures of a girl from work on his phone and has been messaging her a lot about all kinds of things, sex and general.
My kids would have seen my nickname and are old enough to get it so I am pretty upset by that. I just don't know what to do I mean I shouldn't have gone through his phone so I know I am in the wrong there.... I am concerned as he can be very nasty has already threatened to take the kids, told the eldest that i had an affair etc.
Cheating
Cheating
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
18 Replies
It sounds like you destroyed your marriage and he is building the confidence to leave.
Just seperate. He chose to stay with you so he had to accept it. This is why I would be out the first sign of cheating. He’s prob done it himself long before now
Leave. He probably will tell the kids because he sounds like an asshole. I mean he already has anyway. You can’t live under that. The kids will fully understand when you tell them yes you did it was years ago and you worked through it and moved on and this is different. This is not allowing him to treat you like human trash because you feel guilty.
Go to counselling again… if that doesn’t improve things it’s good as done. Im not at all condoning what you did and you get no free passes there but it’s just not OK under any theory for him to involve the kids. Cheating doesn’t affect how the children's care is shared. This issue is between you and him. Kids should be left well out of that. I’d be telling him that you both need to work through this or walk away and just focus on raising the kids. Sounds like he very much is preparing them to “pick a side”. Unacceptable and damaging to them.
It's called emotional incest
I would confront him about the messages you've found. He obviously never got over your cheating, and I can understand that, but if he's being an asshole to you and involving the kids, then I'd be calling time on it.
I also wouldn't quit my job because of his jealousy, that's ridiculous & unfair, and totally a symptom of his trust issues.
If you guys genuinely can't move on from it, then end it. You're just both miserable & the kids will have it the worst.
Relationships can't continue the way they were once someone has cheated. The trust has been lost. People always say things like "it can be done we are still together 10 years later" but this is how they're living ^. I tried it with my ex and there was no trust left, I had no respect for him and it done more harm than good by staying. Do your kids a favour and end the misery so you all can be happy.
When someone is cheated on, it changes them forever and usually for the worst.
You need to end it for both your sakes, you've dragged it out way too long and it's toxic.
He absolutely shouldn't involve the kids, that is so wrong and damaging to them, you need to tell him that.
Does he want them to lose all trust and hurt like he has?
Surely not.
You are right. Being cheated on changed who I was for ever.
So you betrayed your partner in the worst possible way and you expected him to just get over it? 🤦🏻♀️ You cheated, not him, you’re the one who clearly thought your needs were more important than anyone else’s, essentially you are the one who ruined your relationship, family and crushed your partners confidence, self worth…. But yes let’s focus on the fact , he struggles to get over it! Let’s focus on how he’s jealous now or let’s focus on the fact he had always been faithful to u until u betrayed him! And only just after you basically destroyed everything and no doubt neglected his needs because you’re so clearly just focused on yourself! He actually just sexts some woman probably to feel wanted cause good lord, you’ve definitely showed him how wanted he actually is! Wow, I just can’t even! Imagine doing something so terrible to someone else and the repercussions of your actions come back at you and you sit there looking perplexed as to why me?🤦🏻♀️
You can either work really hard to love the shit outta your partner and show him how much he means to you and maybe mention the texts , taking full responsibility for why it’s happening and try to move past it… (see how just texts bothers you though) or you can seperate. But you can’t keep blaming him for your actions… some people call this karma
I was cheated on and I know the pain on that side and I know how it can actually turn around so you’re the one being quite nasty towards them and they’re putting up with it. So I also know that you are still responsible for yourself. If you’re acting in a way that’s mean, hateful, malicious, cheating, manipulating children then that is on you to hold yourself accountable and stop it or at least put a timeframe on it and leave the relationship.
He’s not doing that, so he doesn’t get a victim free-pass and she absolutely can say this is not healthy and I won’t put up with it.
I completely agree with you, I’ve just been cheated on a lot and I’m so over the person who did wrong constantly blaming the other person cause they can’t get over it or the relationship is no longer the same. He’s a cheater too now so they should just end their relationship. It’s like I throw a perfectly good china bowl and it obviously breaks but my partner decides its fixable so puts it back together, but it no longer works the same so in turn I’m angry at him because even though he had good intentions it just doesn’t work anymore, I’m angry he didn’t fix it properly and that he clearly doesn’t trust me not to throw another one …. 😅
Yet I’m the one who broke it 🤦🏻♀️
If you’re going to cheat, leave instead of seeking validation elsewhere to boost ya small ego.
There's a saying that goes along the lines of trust being like a mirror, if you break it you might be able to put the pieces back together but you'll always see the cracks.
Your situation is like the embodiment of that saying - the cracks are well and truly showing!
What you need to do is have the courage to end this relationship. There's is so much dysfunction and toxicness here it's unbelievable. I don't particularly have any sympathy for either you or your husband, you hurt your whole family by choosing to be unfaithful and now he's hurting the whole family by emotionally manipulating the children and treating you like shit.
These poor kids don't stand a chance if you stay together.
I have a little bit of a different perspective and I was unknowingly cheated on for years. I forgave him the first time for the kids and he just kept doing it but got sneakier. I think you however have owned it. You told him you made a mistake and tried to heal your relationship and work towards change.
This man no longer trusts you and probably has not since the incident. A big red flag for me is anyone who accuses me of cheating as my ex did this every time he himself cheated on me. If you had not mentioned the prior cheating in your post and just mentioned the naked photos of a work colleague on his phone everyone would be into him and saying he is cheating right now! Two wrongs do not make a right. He has no excuses and cannot justify his current behaviour by using your one mistake in the past forever against you.
I never cheated on my ex and was very hurt but would never stoop to what he is doing as that's damaging the children. If he is never going to move forward then he needs to let you go. If he expects you to forgive him for whatever he chooses to do going forward then that's not right either. He does not get a free pass to treat others like dirt. If that was his plan then the counselling was pointless and you both needed to separate.
If he is going to be nasty he will be, whether you separate or not. He is going to blame you either way.
I agree ☝️ the OP said 20 years ago. My question would be if he chose to stay how long has he been manipulating her, emotionally controlling her, financially and physically by threatening to take the children ? If that has been happening all this time surely his actions have outweighed hers ? She has been remorseful and compliant with his wishes and he has systematically abused her for years. She needs counseling to deal with the issue which is he is emotionally abusive and is sounding Narcissistic by using the children !
💯 percent
I agree ☝️ the OP said 20 years ago. My question would be if he chose to stay how long has he been manipulating her, emotionally controlling her, financially and physically by threatening to take the children ? If that has been happening all this time surely his actions have outweighed hers ? She has been remorseful and compliant with his wishes and he has systematically abused her for years. She needs counseling to deal with the issue which is he is emotionally abusive and is sounding Narcissistic by using the children !
I'll be honest, if I were him I wouldn't have gotten over it either.
My husband was speaking to people online - he didn't meet anyone (I believe that) and that was 5 years ago. I am still upset about it and don't have complete trust in him.
I have enough trust in him to have stayed in our marriage, but not complete trust anymore. You can't expect him to have gone back to be the same person he was prior.
You ruined your own marriage. I wouldn't blame him for acting out.
If you aren't happy with what's happening, leave.