Hi ladies,
I know some people have problems with over bearing in laws. How do you move past the opposite- in laws that seem to have no interest whatsoever. I feel so bad for my husband. He thinks they can do no wrong cause they're his parents but we only ever see them when he asks and its going to their house 45 mins away. My parents are so different always making contact and asking how the kids are (we have 2, one is 6 months old, one is nearly 5). I have decided after comments over the years (we've been together 9 yrs) that his mother is a selfish narcissist. I'm being polite for my husbands sake but the fact is I still have to deal with this woman. Some examples from my point of view of MIL being rude: none of his parents did a speech at our wedding, both mine did, asking why we chose the particular names for our kids when visiting in the days after I gave birth, never sending me a birthday message on the day of my birthday, always talking about herself or her family when we do visit, always pretending she can't hear very well when my husband has her on speaker near me and I say hi, and the other night my husband decided to ask his parents over this weekend. He was in the other room but I hear her say, so you want us to come over? I'll have to check with dad and let you know. She hasn't made contact since and they were asked to come over tomorrow. Im just so over it. Its not hard to show your kids you care even when they're grown adults. What would you do?
How do I move past being irritated with in laws
How do I move past being irritated with in laws
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
10 Replies
You can't force people to parent how you think they should.
All you can do is accept your in-laws for who they are and accept the relationship your husband has with his parents for what it is, even if you don't think it's a healthy or loving relationship.
All you can do is support your husband and not take any of it personally.
I’ve never enjoyed having in laws and I’ve had both now the overbearing type and the same as yours type. I will say that in my opinion it’s better when they keep their distance like your husbands. If they’re not pleasant to be around, it’s good that they keep to themselves. That negativity is not needed. You and your kids are his family now.
I’ll be honest and say that I don’t perceive the examples of rudeness as being rude - those things wouldn’t bother me at all. My in laws are much the same but I know it’s just the type of people they are. I have never received a birthday message from them in the 15 years I’ve known them but it’s not a biggie. I’m not trying to minimise how you feel about this situation but I think it’s also important to be cognisant that not everyone needs the same amount of contact to feel fulfilled with a relationship. Could this just be how they naturally are or is there a bias in their treatment of you/hubby compared to the treatment of their other children (if any)?
However, I wonder if your does husband feels like this is an issue? You mentioned feeling bad for him but does he actually feel like he drew the short straw?
Also, out of curiosity, how do you know she is pretending she cannot hear very well v actually has bad hearing?
In response to what would I do, probably not care. If hubby wants to organise a catch up then great. If they don’t organise catch ups then you have extra time to spend with other people. So win-win!
Yes I didn't mention in my post that hubby has 4 other siblings. Only one other brother is married with kids. He seems to be the favourite as him and his wife and kids are all we hear about when we visit. Hubby's father did a speech at their wedding apparently so if thats not treating your kids differently then I dont know what is
You were so blessed with loving and involved parents that it's hard to understand how other parents are not. Just like your husband accepts the way they are because he has not experienced what you have. The more important thing is that he learns to be different with your children so it's not repeated. I grew up with the uninvolved parents and it's hard but you learn to accept it as you do not have a choice. I grieved that relationship throughout my childhood and again when I had my own children and yes they also had favourites. I think it's a blessing they are not as involved as I would not want to try to force a relationship they are not interested in having. Bless your parents and put more effort into them 🙏 you have what some of us only dream of 💕
People throw around the word narcissist so easily these days. I doubt she’s a true narcissist. Just focus on your family.
Jeez I would have traded my soul to have that lol! My ex MIL spent over a decade acting like I was the mistress, even after being seperated for 5 years she STILL gets jealous when my ex comes to my house to see OUR children and will call him constantly to check in, I just make comments in the background now if he bothers to answer, teasing that he needs to ask Mummy's permission if he can stay longer etc and my ex just laughs because even he can see what a psycho she is. It took us a long time to be at this point, but he can see now that a lot of our relationship problems stemmed from his Mother and while he will never say anything to her face (because this woman would fake a heart attack or something) he openly talks to me about the shit she says and does so I can get it off my chest at least. Good luck OP x
I could have written this post!!
We had to get married on my mother in laws birthday (covid changed the date) and she rocked up with no gift, a bottle of Moët “for herself because it was her birthday” and still complains about it to this day.
This is only the tip of a giant iceberg!
I don’t really have any advice besides I just avoid her, but know you aren’t alone!
We cut ties with our inlaws about 15 years ago. It was more trouble than it was worth and we all got nothing positive from catching up. They live their lives, we live ours.
Our kids grew up only knowing of love and laughter around them, and when they asked about the inlaw absence, we just said not everyone gets along. No one is a victim and we won't tolerate drama.
It's worked well for us and there is no expectations from anyone.
I worry I am going to become this mother in law. With no guidance and minimal affection growing up. I am also an extreme introvert and so is my partner. I'm sad because I do not want to be forgotten about but I just burn out quickly around other people. I push myself to make sure I hug my kids and say I love you every day but for some people that comes naturally and I forget. I still have not corrected what my parents have passed down. I hope my children do better because I certainly love them. From a mum who struggles with this please dig a little deeper with your MIL.