My husband and I recently eloped and we have copped a lot of backlash from his mother. He is an only child, and she was not happy about it at all and made her feelings quite clear that we have taken away her right to see her only child get married. Having said that we did inform her several months beforehand, and invited her and our close family members to watch via zoom, which she took part of but had a sour face the whole way through. She has basically sulked about it ever since (we got married in August) and has been in and out of depression (she has a history of mental health issues). She is clearly so upset about it and is blaming her mental health issues partly on us, and has told other family members that she is struggling to get past it. My question is, how do I get past it? I feel so much resentment towards her now, and I’m finding it quite hard.
39 Replies
I have depression and a few other mental health issues and when things like this happen I can go over in my head the reasons for it and before I know it I have fabricated a story in my head and it's always , "they hate me, they've done this on purpose to get at me". Its the negativity in my head that stops me from being fair. I've only just become aware that I do it and that it's a 'me' problem not a 'them' problem. Your MIL could have the same negative thoughts cycle through her head and think that the whole wedding was done to spite her. If she has PTSD or BPD it only takes one thing to set you off into a depressive spiral which could explain why she's so hung up on it. Invite her to dinner, you and hubby explain your reasons for doing it, you don't have to apologize for living your life the way you want but acknowledge her feelings and why she would be feeling like this.
She's right. You did take that away from her and you need to understand that. You don't need a way to get over your response to her reaction. You need to find away to help her move past it. Go and see her. Apologise for impacting her more than you realised you would. Ask her what would make her feel loved because she is. Invest in your relationship with her and heal things. Have some boundaries if she is likely to be unreasonable though.
Could have said it better!
I’m the original poster.. and we already have, I have since spoken to her about it all and explained our reasons, which she said she understood. But months have gone by and she is still holding onto it.
Then you need to keep investing in this relationship and rebuilding her sense of confidence that she is valued. This won't be a quick fix.
It was a big moment that she didn’t get to experience. She may never fully get over it. Maybe once you have a child you may understand a little better her position.
I personally will be crushed if I don’t get to witness my children marry. It is a massive event in their lives that I pray I get to share in.
Me too. It would take a lot to heal
It only happened in August!
Honestly, it will probably take years of making her feel valuable to heal the relationship and it will still hurt. I think the OP is unrealistic
So true. I would be happy if this was my son but I would also be hurt especially only have one child. I would have taken both sets of parents with me. That’s me. I agree they have to invest and help her through it. She’s grieving this part of her life. A moment that she would have looked forward to, since the day he came into this world.
That sucks for her but she needs to understand - children (little or grown) don't owe you anything for giving them life. Not a wedding, not grandchildren, not care when you're elderly, not following the family business.
You can have hopes and dreams for your kids but you raise them to be good people and let them go do their thing. Do you have to like it? No. Do you have to shut up about not liking it? Yes (unless someone is in danger, of course).
I'm sorry she's giving you a hard time. It's not easy.
This is why it's so important to instill good values in your children. If my children lacked the emotional maturity to understand how important this moment would be as a mum, or so selfish and unempathetic that they knew and just didn't care, I would be devastated. I disagree that kids don't owe their parents anything. I think families should be considerate of each full stop.
Why did you elope? There must have been a personal reason to not invite at least the parents?
I feel that I shouldn’t have to justify eloping, but since you asked… My mother in law left my father in law and started an affair with a work colleague years ago. Then years later
my own mother started a relationship with my father in law, then things didn’t work out so they’ve fought ever since. Also my sister is married to a narcissistic man who cares only for himself and my sister goes along with him.
We have been together for 17 years and have kids together and wanted to make it ‘official’ for ourselves and our kids - therefore didn’t want the fuss or to spend the money on a big wedding . Make sense??
I think you do have to justify it if it cuts out his mother. But there’s a big backstory, which you said you’ve told her your are the reasons. She was invited to watch it, I think that’s enough and all you need to do.
If your MIL left your FIL, then any relationship after that isn't an affair is it?
Are you saying that because your MIL divorced your FIL, she doesn't have a right to attend her son's wedding?
Are you saying she's a bad person for getting divorced and then being with someone else?
I'm not really following?!?
Honestly, I only have one child and I'd be devastated.
I would try to hide it though, but I have noticed old people seem to lose their filter.
I think given the Jerry Springer style dynamics of the family they decided it wasn't worth the drama and stress of having all of that in the same room, just the thought of it probably sets off OPs anxiety. Which is understandable. Some families are crazy and everyone has the right to enjoy their own wedding even if that means no guests. Honestly if MIL is causing this much drama over an elopement imagine what she would have been like if it was a traditional wedding?
If they were invited they would have had the opportunity to put their differences aside for the day or decline. Instead, they were made to feel ignored. I feel for the mum.
But it sounds like the mum may not be the type to respectfully shut up or decline.... I was at a wedding where the groom's father gave a speech, and the mother stood up and yelled at him that he was absent the groom's whole life, had no input into him growing up and has no right to stand up and pretend he cares...... she kept going the entire time that she was being carried out of the room by family members.
The bride bawled her eyes out and the bar stopped serving the mum, leading to another screaming session and another crying bout from the bride......
She said afterwards she knew they should have eloped but knew the backlash would be huge. And she wanted the big princess wedding. And it was completely ruined.
If OP and hubby decided that eloping was the right thing for them, that's the end of the story.
Really? It sounds to me like a mother wanted to be included in once in a lifetime special events for her son that typically involve the parents. She's heartbroken and something that can't be replaced was stolen.
You actually don’t need to justify it. I can see your mother in laws side but ultimately it’s your day. If my kids decide to elope I will be happy for them. I would be filthy if they invited people and not me but having no one there…meh who cares. There always seems to be some sort of dramas with weddings. So painful.
I think you just let it go.
You've apologised (which I don't even think you should have had to do), she wasn't excluded or ostracised from the event at all, in fact you invited important people to join via zoom. So she didn't miss out on an opportunity to see her only son get married - quite the opposite actually.
Her beef is the fact your wedding didn't meet her expectations, if she wants to be salty about it, let her!
Don't waste anymore energy on her negativity. If your wedding was meaningful to you, that's all that matters. She'll either get over it or she won't.
Love this comment 👏
Shame her son loses his mum in the process. This attitude is gross. Put the effort into fixing the relationship
What's a shame is that this mum couldn't be supportive or even slightly happy for her son on his wedding day because things didn't go her way.
Half of these comments are the exact reason I will never get married! I just cant deal with the drama and entitlement that comes with weddings.
I would prefer to elope - I hate being the centre of attention for starters, my in-laws are all quite dysfunctional and are frequently feuding amongst one another which usually comes to a head once the drinks start flowing, my own family (my mother in particular) can be equally as dysfunctional and I personally feel like traditional weddings are a waste of money.
My dream would be to go on a wicked holiday with my love, our children and have an intimate little ceremony somewhere in the process but that'll never happen because I'd be left dealing with this exact nightmare.
My mother would react the exact same way as OPs mother in law.
But going by the logic of some of your comments, I should get married in a way that I won't enjoy and don't want just so my mother doesn't feel robbed?
That's the attitude I don't understand...
Agree!
I’m the OP, and yes that’s exactly right. We have 2 kids and have been together for almost 2 decades! We did exactly that, went on a beautiful holiday with our kids and had an intimate ceremony with just the 4 of us. It was exactly what we’d wanted, and she was welcome to watch via zoom. I feel like we did things our way as it was either that way, or not at all like you! (Which we would have also been happy with but our kids wanted us to all have the same name). My mother in law also told us when our kids were very young that she was unhappy with us choosing not to baptise our kids. Each to their own I suppose! But personally I’d be keeping my opinions to myself if it was me.
That sounds amazing! I would love to do just the same. And you know what - all our family members would be so happy for us. So many entitled mothers on here posting that you are in the wrong. You’re not. You and your husband do not OWE her a wedding. You also shouldn’t have to grovel to her now that she is upset. Of course be considerate of her mental health - don’t argue and make it worse - but if she’s not happy that’s not your problem to fix.
Having read the family backstory there's no way I would want all that toxic drama around my wedding day either. I would have told them beforehand (like you did), had separate get togethers afterwards to celebrate and told them it was so everyone remained happy about the event. Seriously, if my mother had slept with FIL and they now fought and MIL had affair and did not get along with FIL. I was trying to keep up with it all but I would have been running from that scenario too. Your mother in law needs to move on or does she enjoy lots of drama...
Oh ouch, the one thing most mothers look forward to is huge moments in our kids lives. I couldn’t imagine missing out on my kids weddings. I get people want to do it for them selves etc but does it hurt to have parents there? Even as witnesses but just to allow them to be a part of something special and important. And being an only child would be even harder to “get over”. Not like she’s got 3 other weddings to attend. Poor mum. My heart breaks for her.
Were your parents there or how have they reacted to also not being involved ?
I do not think this was a loving mum excluded from the event. The whole backstory between parents sounds toxic. No way would I want to be around that. Unfortunately she has not shared this in her main post.
From what I read, all her mum did wrong was divorce her dad.
From my understanding? MIL had an affair and they divorced so not nice. But the mother slept with the FIL as well and then they separated and they do not get along. It was all sorts of things happening. If she invited MIL then the other parents would have gotten upset anyway. Talk about rock and hard place.
MIL broke up with FIL, then had an affair.
It's not an affair if you're broken up.
Since when are divorcee women not allowed to have relationships?
Had to scroll back up. Had an affair with a Work Colleague?? Why was it called an affair... was work colleague married???
We had to get married on my mother in laws birthday (covid changed the date) and she rocked up with no gift, a bottle of Moët “for herself because it was her birthday” and still complains about it to this day. I don’t really have any advice, but know you aren’t alone!
Have you stopped to think how this has made her feel rather than just how her feelings are impacting you?
Her only child eloped! As a mum of 3 I would be SHATTERED if any of my children did that. I get small intimate weddings where you have immediate family only but eloping I just don’t agree with.
Maybe you need to sit and hear her out and validate her feelings rather than dismissing them!
Honestly, i would be sad if thale same thing happened to me with my only child.. and probably 75% of the population would have issues too. Shes now your mum too. Make her feel loved and make it up to her with something special like a dinner or something else that you both can include her in on. Love & empathy is always the answer & cure. Try understanding how she must be feeling, she is obviously hurting.