Together for 18 years (he’s 39, I’m 35) and we have not had penetrative sex in 3 YEARS!
First off, he had spine surgery due to an injury and that is one of the main problems since he still has pain. Never stopped us before because we were like rabbits going for sometimes even 3 times a day. The reason we stopped having penetrative sex is because he had several surgeries after a spider bite near his genitals and also got sepsis. Obviously it was traumatic for us all since he was put into a medically induced coma and was in a critical condition for a few months. I accepted and understood that.
Moving forward, his foreskin (uncircumcised) began to “shrink” (phimosis) and it caused a lot of pain for him. He is tired of doctors and treatments near the genital area so he decided to try at home treatments. Well it has not worked and I am sooo frustrated with it all because he has given up. He used to do oral on me even though he knew I didn’t enjoy it.
( Doesn’t know when to stop or maybe just chooses not to listen.) He would play with himself sometimes while doing it then suddenly it stopped happening. He then moved on to playing with me (fingers) which I didn’t enjoy most of the time because it irritated my privates but even that was better than nothing because lately it has been NOTHING! No heavy kissing or petting either. Barely hugging, and no he is not with someone else. He said he simply does not allow himself to get aroused anymore because it’s too painful for him yet when I bring up the fact that I want him he gets sad and upset with me. I’m done being understanding. I offered to go with him to the doctor and he’s not willing to go. I explained that my physical connection with him is not just the sexual part of it but in general intimacy, at least passionate kissing but having none of that lately. I get upset because we were used to doing so much, all the time to suddenly go to nothing. I did explain how it makes me feel but he said it’s nothing to do with me. He desires me but how could he REALLY if he doesn’t care enough to seek help? He made this decision for us and I’m at a loss. Don’t want to separate because of it but feel like he is being extremely selfish of my wants/needs so now I feel I need to be selfish as well.
Everything else is perfect, he supports me in my decisions, cares for me and the kids, overly worships me, every woman’s dream I suppose. So confused and honestly just feel unwanted and rejected after so many times with this same issue no matter how many times he says it’s not like that.
9 Replies
That must be so frustrating when he won't get help because it does sound as though it would be fixable with circumcision?? Offer to take him to a different specialist if it's a fear of being embarrassed, take him to one in a completely different place.
Sounds like the man has gone through quite a few unfortunate events. I think it’s fair to say you both are being selfish in some way. It’s not like he doesn’t have legitimate reasons to not want to, and it sounds like it’s more than just a penis-pain issue. You’re valid in your frustration as 3 years is a very very long time. Have you asked him to consider toys? Maybe he could preform by using a dildo/vibrator on you? I know it’s not the same, but it could be something to do while he’s healing. I get the whole need for physical desire, but could he be afraid to touch you because he thinks you’ll try to have sex if he does so? Just a thought, I obviously don’t know the whole situation.
If he's experiencing agonising pain upon arousal I don't think him using toys on her is a solution as he'd likely find this arousing regardless of his level of participation in the act.
I'd probably just find intimacy in laughter, friendship etc. Sounds like sex is problematic and it's not due to him not being attracted to you.
If it's such a big deal for you (and that's ok!) then I'd be giving an ultimatum.
Go to the doc and get this sorted out, or we separate.
No-one gets to demand sex from anyone - but it's ok to decide you don't want to live this way.
I think you need to make that decision if you can live like that or it’s a deal breaker. You say he’s perfect every other way, every woman’s dream etc then be thankful for that maybe. And let there be one flaw. Maybe he does everything else to make up for it. Can you imagine in the middle of it and he goes soft or can’t get it hard, how would you feel then? It’s always all about the female but put yourself in his shoes and imagine how he’s feeling. And men don’t like going to dr and getting touched poked and prodded so I can understand him completely and I’m a woman.
He’s been thru a lot and it hasn’t been that long really, i think cut him some slack
I honestly cringed when I read what he has been through. I feel so sorry for him as that would be incredibly painful and sounds like the whole experience for you both has been traumatic! This has resulted in sex taking on a whole new meaning for him and it is no longer a pleasurable experience. I would go into therapy as some of the barriers would be Psychological. This will give you both a safe space to express your needs and help to establish the next steps and clarify what you are and aren't willing to live with 💕
I am honestly shocked at the number of comments both here and on the FB page saying the OP is being selfish. It's been 3 years! I realise he has been through a bit, and I understand his frustration with dr appointments, but he is a husband, he needs to consider the impact on his wife too. I would say the exact same were the situation reversed. He needs to get circumcised for both their sakes. A marriage with no sex isn't a marriage. Toys don't cut it either.
I think if he definitely won't do anything about it, and you definitely can't live without it, then a possible compromise would be you being able to get it elsewhere.