What have I done wrong? Or is he overreacting.
Long story short, who earns more isn’t the issue here, it’s more about the fact we both work fulltime, I also have a business that pays quite well, along with managing the properties we own, and supporting our daughter with school and activities, and he works fulltime, and shares the balance of our daughters responsibilities, but spends a lot or the rest of his time playing games on the computer, and it upsets me, because I have to chase him, and wait until his characters are safe, to do anything.
Even our daughter points out that I’m doing the houses, my clients, as well as our jobs and her stuff, and he always has times for games, whilst I’m struggling to even get time to sleep.
The other day, I had to cancel his subscriptions he knew nothing off. Then I found weekly lotto tickets of $60+ being taken out of our account, casino, takeaway etc.
I politely and casually asked about it, and said shouldn’t we be more mindful of our spending as costs of living have gone up, and WHAM it started.
“you invested money in a company they didn’t return it” he said - that was 10 years ago, out of my business money.
“I’m fucking sick of this shit” he said - I said I don’t understand? I simply politely asked about the spending on useless stuff.
“I only fucking buy lotto tickets when it’s over $20mil” - I was simply asking a question.
That was 24 hours ago, he threw his card at me and said “there, you can do it all now”.
Now he’s not talking to me.
Previous to this, when I’ve asked with help with the properties, explaining he has plenty of time for games, his response is “just sell the properties if they cause that much stress”
To which I respond, is this you saying you’ll never chip in to help and would rather sell the properties?
But it’s not the properties, it’s the fact I ask for help, and don’t get it, then get upset when I earn 4x salary and the business, manage the properties, our daughters life, and again this isn’t directly about who earns more at all, but the effort, I don’t mind working 2 jobs for him to be happy.
Not to mention 15 years ago I paid off his personal loans and credit cards, but he still reminds me off the bad investment I made through the company, but I’ve owned that, never hid it, and learned from it, but no one had to bail me out.
Help.
Is it me?
It seems I can't just have a conversation without him flying off the rails.
13 Replies
He sounds like a big sook. You sound like you have your head screwed on. He sounds a bit childish. You are both so lucky to be in that position and he she be grateful for the debts you paid. You sound smart with money. I don’t think you are on the same page with money.
Ick you have a big problem. Because you don’t fight about the issue now you fight over your reaction to the issue. He thinks you’re overbearing you think he’s useless. You attack, he attacks in a heartbeat 0 - 100 full disrespect throwing things at you and saying hurtful things.
I think you do have too much on your plate. Is it your choice? Just remember that if you got rid of everything and just simply had a full time job each and a daughter, there would still be jobs and deadlines missed because it’s just always something. If he works full time and takes care of his daughter, I guess my question is really is he lazy and doing bare minimum or are you trying to overwork everybody and adding stress, which is clearly not how he wants to live his life.
So I guess my advice is to sit down and work out what you each see your work/life balance looking like, then what it will take to create it - cleaner, meal service, childcare, property managers, staff. Then see if you can make it happen.
He's lazy, you're doing it all and it isn't fair.
He's a man child.
Time to re-evaluate the relationship, especially since your child has picked up on your resentment of their other parent.
However, I will say if I had a spouse that questioned me on a 60 purchase (and I'm not rich enough to own multiple properties), I would find that unacceptable/way too controlling.
So I think there's issues on both sides.
I agree, but a $60 pw recurring payment for lotto tickets (basically gambling) is different than a one-off $60 purchase. If you're hemorrhaging money weekly on unneccesary things like subscriptions, gambling, takeaway foods etc, even if you can "technically" afford it, you have to rein it in somewhere. There's someone writing in a few posts down - her husband was hit by a drunk driver and he's a paraplegic now. Life can change in an instant. The other stuff is unimportant. It sounds like they both earn good money based on their lifestyle. Having security, savings if you can and a good partnership is more important.
0In his defence, it's only when it's over 20 million lol
Also, just because she thinks the subscriptions are crap, doesn't mean they are to him.
We don't know what they are.
I subscribe to the local newspaper and everyone gives me heaps about it.
I also find the...shouldn't we be mindful comment.....extremely condescending.
"Shouldn't we be mindful..." may come across as condescending to some, and maybe she could approach it differently. That said, many people (myself included!!) just plug in the old debit card number to subscription after subscription and you think it's $20 here, $15 there, etc and all of a sudden there's several hundred dollars blown in not very much time! My husband and I have been living pay to pay for years and not really sure where our money goes - when you sit down and add up the "little" purchases it really is shocking how easy it is when it's just numbers on a screen and not physical $$ in your hand. And you can't forward plan to the next bill or emergency or big ticket item when there's one (or two, in my case) of you who just think "it's only $20" 5-6 times per week, every week.
We both read Barefoot Investor, and while a lot didn't fit us and we're not sticking hard to the system, the one thing we did work out was how much we could afford to have as "free money" each week for each of us - to spend on whatever we want, no questions asked. It saved SO many fights and stresses once we did that.
Except they're subscriptions he knows nothing about so he's subscribed and then forgotten but they're still paying for them
Honestly, it sounds like the issue is that you don't like each other.... not that the issue is what you're actually fighting about.
There's a few issues here. Some couples counseling may help unpack things that are triggering you both and help you reach common ground.
1. You use your spare time for the family; he spends his free time on himself. Maybe you could learn from this and prioritise yourself more. Sounds easy but like him, you have strong core beliefs that are hard to change. You have to decide how 'low can you go' just like he has made a choice on 'how high he will reach'. I have learned to change rather than lower my standards, just as my husband is struggling to change his. It's been a battle for us both, that we haven't yet met in the middle over.
2. He is NOT going to change his core beliefs and behaviours and neither are you. Find a way to diffuse the conflict zone. Eg. Have staff/contractors to do the housekeeping - down to washing, cleaning, dog walking, property management - anything that should be shared and isn't. Take it off your list without adding it to his. You can performance manage staff, you cannot performance manage your husband. You are lucky you have the business and income to use this strategy. I have also learned that spending money on this is productive not a 'waste'. My time is valuable too.
3. Your approach to money is very different. As per above, you are not going to lower your standards, so don't expect he will lift his. My husband went bankrupt due to his poor relationship with money. He still has a poor relationship with money. For years now I have dealt with all the serious $.
Barefoot Investor helped him a lot understand how small regular expenditure adds up in any household. Agree on a weekly 'splurge' that is in his own account and then have nothing to do with it. This removes the trigger for you both.
For me, my husbands 'wasting' $ after, like you, I bailed him out and supported him for years, is a real trigger for me. As much I I try and approach conversations like you describe openly and honestly, it triggers us both. Best to have the one with the money sense manage the money and you each have an agreed 'splurge'. Sounds like your hubby is very triggered by your earlier financial rescue and is projecting this back onto you to make himself feel better.
I hope this might help you have some insight. Conflict in relationships over money and division of labour are the #1 reason couples fight. Please don't feel alone. Hugs xo
It seems like you're controlling with money and assets, if it was him doing this to you it would be abuse. If the properties are causing stress and you have money issues that won't allow for $60 on lotto or a few subscriptions then yeah, why don't you sell them? Why work 2 jobs if you don't have to? My partner and I have separate finances simply because we are very different spenders, he's stingy where as I like to go out for dinner and shout drinks etc or go to the movies with my adult kids and pay for it all, this annoys him when it's joint money so we just don't lol. Why work hard if you can't enjoy it. Stop acting like his mother and he might stop acting like a child.
One off asking a question about spending on gambling is abuse? That's really far fetched and unfair. No need to heap more on this mum who has it up to her eyeballs. This is about basic gender equality. Sharing the load. Go easy.
He doesn’t have any interest. He is just there for the comfortable time being… this needs to be nipped in the bud. You have paid your dues and he needs to step up and help out or go. Life is busy enough…
If he is working full time, and doing stuff with your daughter, and his hobby/ downtime is gaming, then I don't think there is a problem with that time management at all! Everyone should have a happy balance of doing something they enjoy along with working hard to get somewhere. His reaction was very defensive though so obviously hit a nerve there. Maybe he is using the computer to escape reality and needs to reassess what would bring him more happiness.
If you dont have enough time to sleep because of what's on your plate then you need to reassess and downsize a little bit - not delegate more stress to hubby.
My advice:
Go on a date night to reconnect
Sit down and do a new budget together
Talk about sharing the tasks together when you're both calm
Both of you try to see it from the other person's point of view