So gradually I've started loosing time with my daughter. She's only 10 atm but I feel like if this continues it will only get worse!
I have a special needs son, he's 7 and such a beautiful boy but he comes with some huge challenges and can be pretty full on almost all the time! He has autism level 2, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and ADHD Combination type, he is on ritalin but the wear out too quickly and by 4:30pm theyre out of his system (paediatrician wont increase yet). My son has difficulties in many area's including social and emotional ques, he cant regulate emotions or be left alone in unfamiliar situations, he also hates change and can switch from happy go lucky to intense rage and with his autistic ticks they can be difficult to pick up at times. His father did walk out of on him 2 years ago and he has become my soul responsibility ever since, I have tried to reach out to him for help but have had no luck. He is way to much for my daughter!! He hurts her, bullies her and annoys the absolute hell out of her!! She hates being home with me because of him, she has even gone to the extent of locking her self in her room when ever she is here because he just wants to be around her all the time and dosent understand personal space, he just adores her so much. I have tried my best to maintain their relationship and monitor my sons behaviour around her but as a single mum working full time and running a home on my own with dinners, cleaning, home work, bed time routine I barely get any time to catch my breath at the end of the day and some things can get missed, I do tend to get extremely frustrated and overwhelmed that I do start to yell, I am working on it.
We have spoken about it in detail and my daughter expressed that she needed a brake from my son and she wanted to stay at my parents house two nights a week to get a brake and I agreed. It was also beneficial because I didn't have to drag her to his appointments but now she's asking to spend time with her dads more often (my kid have different dads). Her and her dad have an amazing relationship and I wouldnt never do anything to get in the way of that but I feel like between my son and her dad Im fighting a loosing battle!! Her dads been with his partner for 9 years they have one baby together and theyre having another one very soon. Their lifestyle is a lot more freeing than mine and they can obviously spend more time with her one on one because they share responsibilities and both work from home, he is a psychologist and understands the situation I am in. I do understand that my daughter may want to be there more because of the baby on the way but I honestly haven't spent a weekend with my daughter in over a month, which was because of school holidays and her wanting to go to her dads. I do openly talk with her about her feelings and about how we can all approach situations I.e where she is struggling, where she wants to live and what she is going through, we have a very open style of communication. She is happy going to her dads fortnights and occasionally on my weekends, being with my parents 2 nights a week and with me 3 nights a week and every second weekend is how she wants her routine to be and how she wants her living situation to be, which I am okay with, she does get some say in where she wants to live and we have spoken about her living with her dad but she dosent want to leave my parents or her school friends.
I've been single for going on 6 years now and have been doing it on my own with next to no supports, my parents don't like taking my son because they can't keep up with him with their age and their health, which is fine but I don't have anyone else to take my son and I don't know how I am supposed to reconnect with my daughter or spend time with her while I'm working, running a home, attending appointments for my son, maintaining consistant meltdowns on my son's behalf and always having a little boy hovering! We do have our regular weekly girly nights, movies, nail painting, crafts or just snugs and chats but it usually ends with my daughter loosing her mind because my son wants to be involved or pushes himself into the activities and she hates it, then a melt down starts with my son and he's of course stolen my attention with distructive behaviour or running away and it just ends with two very upset children but now it's got to the point that she doesnt want to do these things with me anymore and brushes it off.
Whats worse too is my son has seen the relationship that my daughter has with her father and her sister, but he's consistantly rejected by my daughter and he is starting to become very depressed, clingy and even suicidal, this isn't her fault she shouldn't have to hide the relationship she has with her dad but my son just dosent understand, I have engaged a psychologist and spoken about this with my sons therapists but I just feel so broken right now and really lost! I need to work, I have a mortgage to pay and bills that don't stop but in tern both my kids are struggling! My son's tried to kill himself and my daughter dosent want to be here anymore! What do you even do? I've used all my leave with my son's school blow up so any time off is unpaid because I just have no leave, I am also at risk of loosing my job because of how much time I've had to take off the school just cant handle me son. My sons father has completely stopped paying childsupport and with deducted pay every second week I am struggling really badly. I did try working 20 hours a week on the disability support pension but I struggled alot more then than what I do now and landed myself in debt and a very bad credit score. My sons does have NDIS so I have gone through the appropriate channels to get him son some help but I can see my daughter pushing me away out of frustration or possibly even jealousy that she dosent get the same alone time with me as my son dose, maybe?? I can see her separating from me and how torn she is between two families but I don't know how to manage it for her or even support her!! She's just really closing off! I adore my children and all the time I have goes straight into them but I'm hitting brick walls constantly!! Any advice would help.
Edit: Please don't comment about how my daughter is feeling or how she might perceive the situation, I am well aware of it and I have tried a few things already (including a psychologist) but I've hit a brick wall and am here seeking tips that I might not have thought of to help her. I have qualified for 4 hours respite care with NDIS but am still on the waiting list for someone to take on my son.
17 Replies
Could you reach out to his Dad and ask for help? I have 2 young adult kids whose Dad decided to pretend they don't exist when they were pre teens and I've seen first hand what that does to their mental well being, I was also on suicide watch with one of them and huge meltdowns and confidence issues.I don't know how it got better but it did, it's a hard road but there is light at the end of the tunnel. But if he miraculously decides to be in his life again it might make a big difference. It's really sad that your daughter is not giving him a chance at all even when he's trying to be good. Keep trying to encourage their relationship, don't let your daughter call the shots or reject him openly, teach her different ways of dealing with him. She needs to learn empathy. She might be old enough to fully explain what disorders he has and that how he behaves is part of that. Also explain how he is lost since his Dad left and all he has is you and her, how would she feel if her Dad decided not to have anything to do with her anymore.
Poor girl, him losing his dad is not her fault nor something she should feel guilt or shame about. See how this is taking her happiness away in consideration of his feelings.
She would do well with her own psychologist as well, as I’m sure her life will be a lot more about him, but she needs someone who will acknowledge that it’s ok for her to think of herself first. And to help her sort through it all and find her own place in all of this.
Never said that she needed to hide the relationship with her father and I did mention I engaged a psychologist. It's harder when you have a special needs child to maintain balance between two children.
Wow, I never said that was her fault at all! The fact is, her brother has a disability and if she learns strategies to deal with him and his behaviour then they might be better for it.
Well there’s two parts. It sounds like he definitely runs the show, to the point that you put him first in everything. You’re probably just coping, but she is losing out, big time. And she sees it from a kid pov, she sees you choosing him, putting him first, putting her last in everything, and telling her it’s all his fault. As a kid she hates your choice to prioritise him, and she resents him.
Secondly, you’ve put her last so long that she’s screaming for your love. For your time, for you to be on her side.
Find a way to make the time to be that for her. create a time where he’s not there or tell him he’s not allowed to join in.
You need to build your relationship with her completely independent of him, you just have to make her important enough that you sit down and find a way to put her first in line sometimes, and to fit quality time to connect with her her into your schedule.
I put both my children first, he can run the show at times but when you have a special needs child who can switch from being pretty "normal" to extremely self distructive it is quiet difficult, I was asking on how to reconnect not what was happening to my daughter because I am well aware of this, this is why I asked for advice, it's also difficult to reconnect without him there as I don't have anyone to watch him or anyone to say "hey can you take my son for an hour so my daughter and I can do this" I am legitimately alone in this without support and am still waiting for a respite carer my son can be left alone with
The advice is to find the time for her. I hear you saying it’s hard, impossible, and it will cost you in stress of his reaction to it, it may cost you financially, it will take a concentrated mindset shift, and effort to find the time and way and to make it happen. Making that effort and doing that is my advice.
There are also fun apps that 10 year olds love, where you play a turn taking game or send each other pictures. It can’t replace your one on one time but that can help you stay connected through the times you are busy.
We do stay connected all the time through Facebook kids and texts messages when she is at her dads or my parents, we send each other memes and funny jokes in a way to stay connected. But with the time I've taken off work already I am a risk of loosing my job if I take any more time off. I am fearful that if I say no to her going to her dads when she asks so that I can actually have a weekend with her that she will resent me too. She asked Monday to go back to her dads this weekend after being on the phone with him and I said that I'd really like some time with you and she took off in a huff then asked again Tuesday and tonight which resulted in the same behaviour, I did go into her room and climbed into bed next to her for snugs and explained why I wanted to be with her this weekend but she was really upset and said she misses her dad and her sister, I told her it is okay to miss someone but we do need to be all our family.
I think you need to start measuring your time with her in quality, not quantity. I’d aim more for focused quality time. So ‘yeah sure go to dads but can I take you out to that thing on Saturday.’
Or, ‘can we do a movie night tonight and then you go over there tomorrow?’
Until you have a new care arrangement sorted out, you could get a calendar and write it up together week by week. Let her say when she wants to go over there and also you say when you'd like her to stay because you have planned to do something with her.
You're doing a great job, it might not feel like it now but one day you're going to look back and say to yourself wtf was that and how did I do it? Keep going and I hope you get the help you need x
Look into respite for him to have a break away and build a relationship with a father figure maybe in the respite. To enjoy some time out.
You need longer respite care. You poor Mumma this is heartbreaking for you all.
I wonder if you'd be entitled to a carers pension? That may be something you need to look into to supplement your income.
Taking back at least some control of your finances means that's one less plate you have to juggle.
Second thing I wonder, mainstream school obviously isn't working for your son, is a special needs school a possibility?
I don't know if you have one in a feasible distance to your home or if your son would meet the criteria but again, it's something that's worth looking into.
Third thing, would it be in your daughters best interests if she were to be under the primary care of her dad? Maybe that's what she needs in order to have all of her emotional needs met?
That may also give you the opportunity to prioritise some quality time with her.
Some privatised respite may be something you need to consider as well. I know a few families who have had to go down this route because the ndis is abysmal.
The disability pension is $900 a fortnight and you can only work 20 something hours a week. He also dosent qualify for special schools because he dosent have an intellectual disability.
My daughter has an input on where she wants to live and I have asked her if she wants to live with her dad but she dosent want to change schools, he lives an hour away.
Could you maybe make a compromise with her for weekends - one day with Dad and one day with you? That way you don't have to be the bad guy and say "no" to Dad's house when she asks. That gives her a break from her brother too.
Also bedtimes - maybe since she's 10 now, she could stay up 30min later than brother, and that 30min is solely reserved for Mummy time.
Could you look around and see if there is a babysitter nearby with experience in special needs kids? Maybe ask on neighbourhood FB groups etc. Childcare workers are often badly paid, I see a lot advertising after hours private care to bump up their pay.
Even if you could just get someone to take him after school for 2 hours once or twice a week, that gives you and your daughter some breathing space.
Having been the younger sister of a very special needs child, I do actually understand exactly how she's feeling & thinking about it - and honestly, it's shit.
As an adult, I see how much my parents struggled and tried so hard to keep a balance, but as a kid, you don't see that and you don't have empathy for it (because she's a CHILD).
Yes, it's the reality of her life, and needs to learn to deal with it (and she will), but siblings of special needs kids often tend to be far more mature than their years, because they have to be. They learn very early how to feed themselves, clothe themselves, get themselves sorted for school, bedtime whatever; they just have to, because their parents are dealing with a meltdown in a different room.
Or they're dealing with the meltdown or the needs of the sibling by themselves, because that's just what you do.
So while she may only be 10, she's probably mentally more like 14yo - but still with the emotional age of 10.
And anything "special" for her is going to be ruined. Your son can't help it, she knows that; but knowing it doesn't make it any better or less hurtful or less annoying.
So why bother starting something fun when you know that in 5 minutes, it's going to end because your brother is up in your face demanding to be part of it, or rolling on the floor screaming because he wants what you've got.
You yourself are exhausted and at wit's end - and you're absolutely entitled to be, it's a HARD life that you've been dealt. And you're an ADULT, with all of the life experience, the research, emotional and mental maturity, and it was your choice to have this child (I'm not blaming here, obviously you had no idea that he would have such struggles and your life would turn out this way) - I'm saying your daughter had no choice in any of this at all, it's just happened to her.
So if she walks away, locks herself in her room, whatever - let her do it. Stop trying to force their relationship.
She is also overwhelmed and can't cope - but her reaction to that is to hide in her room, so that gets ignored because she's quiet about it, while her brother's reaction to it is to scream and maybe try to hurt himself.
She needs a break.
As much as you love her more than anything, you need to accept what's best for her, not what's best for you. If being gone a lot is best for her, you need to let go.
You can still have a great relationship with her, even if she chooses to move to Dad's permanently. If that happened, your relationship with her might even be better than if you forced her to stay at home with you. Because she's building up a lot of resentment right now (she probably can't name that emotion).
As unfair as it is, all of her problems with her brother, she will hold against you - because you're the parent.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's just how it is. And it's only going to get worse as they both get older.
Is Respite a possibility? Maybe 1 Saturday a month- where you guys hang out.
Totally understand. Having a special needs child is a whole other level or difficult, heart breaking and stressful. You are not alone ox
Can you ask NDIS for a review to get some support worker hours? That way a support worker could care for your son or take him out for a hew hours on a weekend or after school and you could dedicate that time to your daughter. Get reports from any specialists or therapy providers to support that request, even from your or your daughters psychologist. Could be worth a try.
I have been in your situation and my sons support worker is a God send for this very reason.
Another idea would be to let her miss school 1 day a month (or whatever time frame works) and you spend the whole day together. Don't know how that would work for you with your job though.
Could you bring his bedtime forward to be an hour earlier then hers and then once he is asleep have that time just with your daughter every night.
I hope you find a solution ox