I never thought I would be the one here asking for advice but I'm feeling completley defeated.
Please stick with me while I give you the background because I really need some advice.
I became a single mum when my daughter was 3 months old. The police removed me from my abusive ex and said that if I don't leave, they will put my 3 month old into foster care. So I left, with nothing but my baby, moved in with my best friend for 3 months while I found a place to live etc. I never looked back. My ex has NEVER stopped torturing me and my daughter is about to turn 11. We got court orders for custody, 4 years of court. When she turned 4, it became 50/50. The day I left him, he told me he would destroy my life and end up with 100% care of pur daughter. Well that has now happened. I have never caused a single drama for him. I have done nothing but move on and keep the peace. I met a wonderful guy when my daughter was one and he has been a better father than her biological one. We are married and just trying to be happy, but the ex has never had another girlfriend, made our daughter his obsession and just wants to destroy my life. My hubby has been so patient, so understanding and supportive. The ex is very threatened by my husbands close relationship with my daughter. The ex is still financially, emotionally and mentally abusive. My daughter has been staying there more and more over the years. He tells her that he has no one, he is lonely, that I have my husband and that he needs her. He then started telling her that if she stays here, he will hurt me and my husband. So now my daughter is there every night. I see her after school, and on my weekend, but she sleeps there every night. Its been 18 months. I've tried going down the path with the police, but that just angers the ex even more. I've tried getting my daughter into counselling, she refuses to go. She doesn't want to tell anyone what's happening coz he will get in trouble. He buys her whatever she wants. Brand new iphone every 12 months etc. I can't compete. He has now called child support and I now have to pay him money. I no longer get child care subsidy so I can't afford after school care or vacation care. I now need to reduce my hours at work so I can pick her up from school. My question is. He wants 100% care, but then wants me to stick to our 50/50 court orders so I can basically baby sit for him while he works. I love my daughter, I want to see her every day and night. But he is always changing the goal posts. I live in constant fear of what he will do next. He is suing us for a million dollars after him and my husband got into a fist fight and he is claiming damages, loss of wages etc and nothing was wrong with him. Meanwhile, we are paying lawyers to fight it. We are almost going to go bankrupt.
Do I tell my daughter that she needs to start seeing a counsellor and deal with her anxiety and get back home with me, or do I tell her that I can only see her every second weekend because I can't deal with him anymore, I can't afford to lose my job, I can't afford to put her into after school care. I'm literally a mess every day waiting for a phone call from him with his next form of torture. I need to take some control back. I feel like I'm still in an abusive relationship. I left physically, but I'm still attached in every other way. I'm at breaking point. I don't care about paying him money. I care about him controlling me, my daughter, my entire life. Dictating when I can and can't see her. Living on egg shells. I know how much my daughter loves me. We are so close. She wants to protect me and my husband. She even knows what he is capable of. I don't want to push her, put her in danger. But I'm like, if you want her 100%, then take the responsibility of 100% and pick her up from school each day. Let it start affecting his job and not mine anymore. Coz at the moment, he is claiming 100% but getting me to change my hours, lose income, so I can pick her up because he can't let his work down. This is going to go on for years to come, but I need my power back and put a stop to his control. But how do I do that without hurting my daughter. We can't afford to go back to family court. Child support go by night times in regards to percentage, and he enjoys telling me to pick her up and look after her when it suits him. He is a used car salesman. Professional liar. I work in disability and in high demand and can't afford to lose my job by constantly changing my hours and days. I organised 2 days of Vacation Care this week for her because I had to work, I had to pay the $80 a day because I get no subsidy, and he didn't take her and left her with his mum so I would purposely lose my money. I can't take anymore. He has done so much more but i cant get into all of that. I want my power back but I don't know what to do. Please help me šššš
9 Replies
You need to stop communicating with him. Go back to court and demand that 50/50 does not work because of his abusive nature and that he is manipulating her and what he is doing is alienation. āShe has a husband, I donāt have anyoneā is terribly toxic. But you are still buying into his shit and letting him run the show.
Cut the contact completely. Have everything in writing and tell your child she has no say over staying with him, she is a child of two parents, but follow up what he is saying through breaches and charges, until he goes away completely.
She also needs to get counseling for herself, to help her with setting boundaries and the confidence needed to stick to them.
Use the 50/50 orders to your favour, take back 50% care and let him deal with child care on his days. Week on, week off. One million dollars over a punch up, he's dreaming unless it permanently disabled him, if it were that easy everyone would do it lol.
Get a restraining order out and renew its activity every two years. Stop pandering to him and playing his game
Interesting seeing some of these responses. Women do this to men everyday, withholding, alienation, emotional blackmail. Yet itās ok, and now itās happening to a woman ā¦ omg .. she needs help
Get some help for your issues. Anyone doing this to any person is abominable regardless of gender. End of story. Just because you got hurt doesn't mean anyone else deserves to be treated like this. Seriously, get yourself some help because being full of hate will only end up destroying you.
But look at all the āsupportā sheās given. Men donāt get this. And yes Iām a woman, I see this happen daily in my job, so yes itās very u fair. But hey, letās tell her to run, put an AVO and destroy his life. But would a man get this much support? Yeah no
But look at all the āsupportā sheās given. Men donāt get this. And yes Iām a woman, I see this happen daily in my job, so yes itās very u fair. But hey, letās tell her to run, put an AVO and destroy his life. But would a man get this much support? Yeah no
Unfortunately you are up against someone who is extremely dangerous.
Get your daughter and do not let him take her. If he tries call the police. Time for a restraining order. Call the police eveeytime he breaks it.
Go back to court. Find the money or represent yourself with the help of a domestic violence service. Counselling for you both.
If you dont he is going to destroy you and your child. She is not old enough or mature enough to be making this decision. She will be damaged mentally and emotionally for the rest of her life of you do not step in now.
Look up the grey rock method. Do it. Do not give him any reaction. Do not feed him.
Demand to only communicate through a court ordered app. No talking, everything in writing. Join a Facebook group for survivors of narcissistic abuse. They will have some specific advice for you.
Call child support tell them the current arrangement is only on place due to threats of physical violence and that it needs to be changed back to the court orders or to 100% custody in your favour as that is what it will be for the foreseeable future. Do not take no for an answer. This is not ok and is illegal. He cannot threaten you and your husband to get money from you.
It's time to take your power back and save your child. You are the only one who can do it. But above all be careful, be very careful and plan your moves down to the smallest detail before you act. I wish you the best