Hi ladies, I'm in so much emotional pain right now. My partner of 2 years has just finished with me. We didn't plan to live together until the kids are older
We've been through hell and back over the past year with his ex wife. They separated 6 years ago after she had an affair.
She falsly accused him of rape and domestic abuse after threatening it for years if he didn't do what she wanted. He was investigated and the case was dropped. (I have never believed for a second that he would ever be capable of this) This was investigated earlier this year. Despite this she bombarded him with texts and messages daily.. like 80 messages in a week. Mostly under the guise of things to do with their children.
She would phone when I was there, with made up nonsense and drama about anything and everything. She consistently tried to change child contact whenever we had any plans. We have no idea how she got the information about our moves and suspected stalking as there were waay too many coincidences
We built a case of stalking and harassment against her with the help of a stalking charity. We presented it to police and they said there was no evidence of criminality 🤷♀️
She manipulates and poisons their children against each other, spreads rumours throughout the community about my partner. Accuses their eldest of being violent. There has been so so much to deal with... constantly. Too much to note here. It's left my partner and I traumatised and mentally struggling.
Hes blocked her on all but email as he needs some line of communication incase of an emergency with their kids. She just keeps upping her game and creating more and more spiteful drama with their kids to try and provoke a reaction in him to get him to respond. Hes been trying to get social work involved, seek counselling, help of any kind. No one is interested 😞
He's obsessed with it all, he can't stop focusing on all of her behaviour and she's become a constant presence in our relationship. I've stuck with him throughout it all, I thought he was my forever person. All I needed in return was consistent communication and reassurance from him when it all gets too much. But he's not had the headspace to give me that.
I got upset about his lack of communication with me again today after yet more drama from her last night, leaving me worrying and wondering what was happening. As well as me having an asd assessment for my kid today which I needed his support for. Not even a loving text to say he was thinking of me...
I've had a lot of difficult stuff of my own to deal with and don't understand why he can't show me the same support I've given him. Like I say, even just a text to let me know i was on his mind would have meant the world.
Yes, I probably overreacted but now he has finished with me. He says its the only way he can see to end my suffering. That he causes me too much mental anguish. I can't believe he's done this after all these months of my sticking by him. It all feels so unnecessary now. And she's won.
Even reading this i know in my heart why he's done it but I'm beyond broken over it all. I don't know how i can ever heal from this. We love each other so much and it feels cruel that he's done this, that this is the only way for him.
My kids are going to be devastated as are his 💔
Hes hurting as much as I am and I feel we could get back together but I just don't know how to navigate the situation, neither does he. I don't know if i should try and salvage things or run. He's the most amazing guy and if she would just leave him (us) alone things would be perfect
16 Replies
Your partner is consumed by this issue with his ex. I mean, I get it, trying to coparent with someone like this must be a living hell.
The problem is, you need something out of a relationship that he doesn't have to give. He is stretched to his emotional capacity.
To be real with you, I don't think he's in the right heads space to be in a relationship at all - I feel like you know that on some level.
It's probably time for you to be really selfish and put the needs of yourself and your children first. You've got your own stuff going on, the last thing you really need right now is indefinitely dealing with a batshit crazy baby mama and giving unwavering support to a man who can't give you that same support in return because he's too emotionally disengaged and wrapped up in his own problems.
You communicated a need with him and his answer to that was to break up. If that doesn't tell you where you're prioritised in his life, nothing will.
Thankyou, I guess I do know this is the answer. It just sucks! We ended up talking on the phone earlier and we love each other so much. Just like you say, we're not able to support each other right now and in fact are adding to each others stress.
He feels terrible about the impact its all having on me which makes him feel worse.
It's like having a 3rd wheel in the relationship constantly
I think we're going to take space to work on our individual mental health and family issues then see what happens. We've both agreed that we've become too toxic to not take a step back for now. Not sure if its just prolonging the agony though!
If he takes the stalking evidence to court he may be able to get a restraining order against her! My partner got one against his ex even though the police didn't want to know about what we were dealing with. So far it's been over a month of peace and it's great, we should have done it years ago.
Oh wow! This is interesting, we were told that there was no way a restraining order would be granted by the courts as the contact could be deemed 'reasonable' as its under the guise of being about the children. But it's incessant, ridiculous and unnecessary 🙄 I'll suggest that he at least speaks with a lawyer, thankyou
And sorry that you've been through similar, I know how utterly exhausting it is
Different commenter:
No you will NOT suggest this to him, because you need to let go.
You are not his helper, emotional crutch, soft place to fall anymore, that's what happens when someone breaks up with you, they don't get to have those benefits.
He doesn't want you in his life, believe him and when he comes crying to you "needing" something, send him on his way.
Thanakyou, I needed to hear this. His dad called today to see if I was OK and I suggested he tells him about the solicitor route. Yes I probably shouldn't have but feel that I've passed it on indirectly. You're right, it's not my job anymore to support him. Time for me to get strong again and focus on me and mine. It really really sucks but I do have to let go
Nothing wrong with casually mentioning it to his father, since he reached out to you first.
You need to ask yourself some tough questions...
Why were you willing to get involved and stay in such a toxic situation?
Why were you willing to expose/endanger your own children? What if CPS took them away because he was accused of rape?
Why after 2 years of this hell, are you still holding on?
Examine why you are willing to give everything to a man that gives you nothing in return.
This doesn't sound like love, but a very unhealthy codependency.
I think you are so blinded by him that you wouldn't even consider her accusations, which may be a mistake.
https://medium.com/wholistique/is-it-love-or-codependency-360750c2b108#:....
I do have a lot of codependancy issues, I've been trying to work on them and hope now by stepping back I can work on them more so that I don't repeat the same mistakes in future.
I've always had my kids welfare at the forefront, although I put my hands up and admit that the impact its had on my mental health isn't healthy for them. We don't live together and they've not been exposed to her chaos other than my struggling at times
I've clung on as when we're in person we are amazing together, when we get times of peace from her it is the most loving caring relationship. But the chaos just keeps coming and it's not right. I hand on heart do not believe he was capable of rape. The way she is now accusing their eldest of violence and abuse shows how unhinged she is and will stop at nothing in her pathetic games of manipulation and drama. I feel heart sorry for the poor guy and his poor kids.. they are going to grow up with serious issues because of her
He's been doing this toxic dance with her for 6 years.
Even the craziest of the crazy exes wouldn't continue for that long without something coming back from the other side.
You said yourself he is "obsessed" with it, that's the fuel that keeps her going.
They both enjoy it on some level and he has chosen it over a healthy relationship with you.
If he really wanted to shut her down, it would have be done by now.
You were the third wheel in their toxic relationship.
You deserve better x
PS If you ever meet a man with a crazy ex, just know it is usually a toxic situation that they both contribute to. Crazy exes usually become crazy for a reason.
He's also acting like a martyr, breaking up with you for your own good but the truth is, he's breaking up with you at the first signal that you require a reciprocal relationship.
He said he is finished with you. Game over. He is clearly telling you that he does not have the emotional energy to invest in you.
That sucks, and the reasons for it suck - but that's just how it is.
You need to focus on your children and yourself. If he gets his shit sorted out in a few years, awesome. But don't wait around for that to happen.
You should go, your actual kid(s) need to be far away from this toxic environment as possible. You need to be focusing on your kids and creating the best, most stable environment possible for them. They don’t deserve to live in that tension filled environment.
100%.
I had issues with my ex and there was no way I was ready for a partner, I would’ve expected any person to run for the hills with all the drama and bs going on. Your partner will sort it out eventually, by going completely no contact and getting a handle on it from his end, or he won’t, but you won’t be happy with him until he does anyway.
If he is finished, then he is finished.
It sounds like a trauma bonded likesituation and counter productive to both of your lives. I mean, you should have the same access to emotional support as he does and you're not getting it AND making excuses to justify why you understand and are ok with it, which you aren't but accept it anyway. When you've expressed this, his way of dealing with it I to completely cut you off and no show any real empathy. That's selfish right? It's a two way street.
Don't allow THIS to make YOU sick, because it will. Who's responsible for you and your needs? 100% you. You are not responsible for taking on filling his emotional bucket for free. Nothing is free and it is costing YOU more than you think.