I have written in a few times, and each time the consensus was "leave him" because he was toxic and emotionally abusive.
Well I finally got the courage to leave (it has taken seven years of wanting to on and off) and I haven't even fully moved out and he's already got someone else in his bed, which would be none of my business except he let our young kids see and told them that they weren't allowed to tell me.
He has been so toxic and controlling also love bombing at times but I gave him no real emotion back so now he's turned around and done this and I feel like it's his idea of revenge.
I am so disgusted that he would put the kids in a position like that and I'm so disgusted I didn't leave sooner.
I'm just struggling to deal with all my emotions and still be a present parent.
Edited to clarify: he let them see him laying in bed with her and let them have cuddles in bed all together in the morning, but did not expose them to any sexual act.
12 Replies
Just so I'm understanding this properly.
When you say he "let" the kids see her, do you mean he has had this new woman around the children, ie, they've seen her presence.
Or do you mean he let the kids see them in bed together/being intimate/having sex?
Because I mean the former is far from ideal but the kids will be exposed to random women unfortunately. However if it's the latter, I would actually be really worried about the kids safety whilst in his care!
Do you mean he forced the kids to watch them have sex? If so, id be calling the police asap!
Pretty sure OP means he allowed the woman in the house while the kids were there.
OP, i left my ex and before i’d even moved out he had invited a tinder date over to have sex. She was horrified when she walked into the house and i was cuddling our son on the couch. Some men are pigs, some women deserve that title too. The woman in your situation is just as bad as your ex. She should not have come around when the kids were there.
She said he allowed the kids to watch them in the bed though? It's a bit confusing
I'm like 90 percent sure OP means he's let the kids meet this new woman as well but I have read some pretty confronting stuff on this page before so a very small part of me took this as it literally reads - like he's let the kids watch their bedroom activities or at least see them in bed together.
So I definitely think it warrants clarification.
I’m thinking his lied about the whole situation, but yes I would never be comfortable meeting someone’s kids when I don’t really know them, it’s just disrespectful.
Yep of course he did. It’s all part of the MO, move on super fast, turn on you like you’re dirt. It’s hard but keep going forward without him you’ll be really glad when you’ve got the distance you need and aren’t going through this bs.
He wants to make you think he's moving on, so you'll be jealous and come running back.
Fuck that shit.
You deserve better, you've deserved better for a long time now.
Just explain to your kids that nothing is ever secret, you won't be mad that they share news with you if it's something they choose to share (and keep their confidence because you know he's the kind of guy that will be a dick), and support them through the shitshow that is likely to be his household.
You've got this. It's all up from here.
This! Definitely tell the kids they can tell you anything! My boys would get told by their father not to tell me what they did at his house, my eldest would shush his brother if he tried to tell me anything. It got to the point the youngest would start telling me something then clam and say “I can’t tell you that”. I ended up having a chat with each of them, separately, and told them that they could tell me anything and it wouldn’t go any further, their father and brother didn’t need to know what they told me. The only time it would go further was if they or someone else were in danger of being hurt. On changeover afternoon, as soon as the eldest got in the shower the youngest would be at my side chattering away then would clam up again when the shower turned off. Within a month or so, both of them would start chattering away as soon as they were in the car and we were driving away.
I’ve also had to pull my boys up on their attitudes towards me, due to the way their father would speak about me in their hearing. They would have been about 8 and 10, maybe a bit older. I told them they were old enough to pull people, no matter who it was, up for it if they were being rude or disrespectful in the way they spoke about me, that as my children they don’t deserve to hear people talk about me that way. I don’t know if they ever said anything to their father about it, as he never verbally abused me about it, but the boys attitudes improved and they stopped treating me like crap.
Oh he’s definitely involved the kids on purpose. I bet he cheated like a stealth ninja when he wanted to get away with it. Involving them and rubbing it in your face is his goal.
Seriously some men are such pigs! It hurts that you put so much into a relationship and they just act like you meant nothing!
You deserve love and respect! Go you! Be proud and love you and your kids!
My ex did the exact same thing. Although she was already around before I left. I've since realised it's because he cannot handle being alone. If she dumped him he would immediately find someone else again. He needed constant reassurance and was that insecure he looked for any woman he could jump on. He was darn right nasty to me, would gaslight me and threaten me if I spoke about leaving. I know women can see this moving on quickly as a sign that they were somehow unlovable, it's not true, the issue is his. Mine exposed my kids to crap as well and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I had to stay the stable parent and that's what they need 💗