Husband calls me a nagger, he said he is over me asking nagging him all the time and the reason the kids don’t listen is cause I nag. He said that when I come home from work I need to not say anything about the state of the house and just wait for everyone to pick their stuff up. If I mention for example oh it’s bin night the bins need to go out I get yes i know dont need to remind me, if I don’t remind him and he forgets I get why didn’t you remind me.
I asked him to put something together for me and it took 3 days before he would do it even tho he wasn’t busy I feel he deliberately makes me wait, or if I ask him to move his stuff off the bench so I can cook that’s nagging.
I now feel that my feeling don’t matter cause asking him or telling him how I feel about things I get called a nagger.
Why do men think asking them to do something is nagging?
Does asking the family to pull their weight nagging?
Does asking the family to pull their weight nagging?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
10 Replies
I get this too, not so much from my oh but his family think everything I say is nagging. Even when I'm just trying to join in the conversation or have a joke. So now whenever they are around I just go to my room and ignore them. I think it's very sexist as well and comes from a time when women were just expected to do everything and put up with everyones crap and if they dare complain or ask for help it's called nagging. Everyone says we have moved on but we haven't, the whole "Karen" thing, then everyone's attitudes to DV since the JD v AH thing. It's like nope, still a long way to go. Why don't we have a name for men that complain? Why doesn't the internet blow up when it's a man that lies about women? Your partner is full of shit about them putting stuff away if you stopped asking because when I was on nights and not home it all went to absolute shit and I had to spend my days off cleaning up after everyone. Joy!
There's probably something to it. I'd say that you just have different levels of urgency. My husband and I are similar... but he's the one that always wanted everything done instantly. Over the years he's relaxed and realised that things get done when they get done, and the world doesn't stop spinning if it's not instantaneous. Life is about balance.
Also, if I ask my husband to put something together for me, I expect to wait unless there is a specific time frame attached (not just my desire to have it). Likewise, I have tasks to do for him that are on my to do list.
I have no advice but i laughed at the bin bit. Not because of you, but because he gets pissy if you don’t remind him.
My ex was a terrible driver. I warned him twice about obstacles on the passenger side that he may not have seen, he yelled at me for making it look like he was stupid. I stopped mentioning things on the passenger side and he turned too soon out of a parking spot and grinded a yellow bollard into the passenger side of the car. I got yelled at for not telling him about it 🤷🏼♀️ Some men you can’t win with. They are always the victim. Toxic masculinity. Throw him out and get yourself a happy life.
I get it, someone nagging you to do something is frustrating! BUT!!! Your family is blatantly disrespecting you by ignoring you. Your husband is putting all of the blame on you, even when you don’t remind him of something. It’s time for a family meeting. Sit everyone down and work out what chores each person has to do each week (there are plenty of lists of age appropriate chores for children online), then what day the chores need to be done. Display the chart on the fridge or a wall where everyone can see it. Also come up with a list of consequences for if the chores aren’t done on time - for the kids it might be less pocket money, or less time on devices, for hubby if he doesn’t put the bins out then he makes a trip to the dump to empty them with any fees coming out of his money not family money. Determine rewards for when all chores are done on time (or even a percentage of chores for the week). Stop allowing your husband to teach your children that it’s okay to disrespect you and treat you like a slave. If hubby refuses to get on board then tell him you want marriage counseling. Every person in the family deserves to have their thoughts and feelings heard, and at the moment you aren’t getting that.
Are you one of those people who walks through the door and starts going off about the mess, without even greeting everyone first?
My sister does that and its awful.
No hello, no nothing, just crazy about any mess and she forgets, everyone else has just got home not that long ago too, they haven't had time to tidy up.
Everyone deserves to come home and destress before they start cleaning.
My mother was a nag. Everything had to be done on her timeline and usually that timeline was right as we were getting in the door, first thing in the morning or just and I mean just as we'd sat down to relax. It was always rattled off drill sergeant style too!
She never hustled to do things we'd ask her to do either, I literally waited over 6 months for her to order my birth certificate when inwas a teenager...
So I think nagging can be really disrespectful. I also think there's a time and a nice way to ask/remind someone to do something. It's really about respectful communication in my opinion.
HOWEVER - I do think this whole "my wife's a nag" thing is merely just a way for a lot of men to avoid taking personal accountability and to avoid taking on any of the mental load, it's like women need to think for them but only when it suits them!
When you've got a man who gets pissy when you ask him to do something but then gets pissy when you dont remind him - that's lose/lose.
Because you’re in a parent/child relationship where you’re nagging him like you’re his mum. He’s saying that old bullshit about ‘I’ll do it if you leave me alone” but he’s useless and not doing anything, that’s why you think nagging is the way to go.
You need to decide for yourself, ok I don’t want to be a nag. I want a partner and a smoothly running house where everyone pulls their weight. Sit down and make a list of expectations together ie) I can’t relax if there’s shit everywhere, I need these specific jobs done before I get home at night, you need to understand that it makes me happy and it makes me very unhappy if it’s not done. He says, I need you to wait until weekends for diy, ok deal. He wants responsibility for the bins - they have to go out, he needs to set an alarm and make sure it happens. I’m sure you don’t want to be his guardian of all his jobs! Hash it out and then you get on with it.
I would stop doing, my now husband very early on said he didn't like they way i made his lunch box and then proceeded to tell me how it should be done, guess what i haven't done it since. 20+ years later. Maybe have a conversation about roles and responsibilities, then you need to let him do his jobs in his time. If you want something built maybe ask can you do this buy a time, rather than him doing it the minut you ask. Sounds like you communicate differently so neither of your needs are being met
Stop doing things for them! I remember Mum going on strike. She only washed her dishes, her clothes and cleaned her room, didn’t cook or anything for a week. We soon learnt that she wasn’t nagging she was asking for a bit of help.
All the time! I work shift work full time and it seems that if I do an overnight, then being at home all day (sleeping) equals day off. I usually do a blast to all members of the house every two months and things change for maybe a week? Totally frustrating, I know exactly where you're at. Men are weird, they enjoy the perks of being married, but don't feel like they need to contribute to the household duties. I don't have any advice for you, but what I do know is that if you can do things you enjoy then you can focus on you and maybe he'll get his act together or not? Either way being called a nagger is a rude put down and he needs to stop acting like a little kid. He wouldn't speak to his mates like that would he?