It looks like my husband and I have drifted apart and he told me last night that he needs space.
Background info:
Together 15 years with 2 kids. I'm the director of a company that I have just started to get up and running with my family and he works shift work at another company.
Our son is neurodivergent and our daughter has food/eating issues. I feel both my husband and I are also neurodivergent but neither of us have been diagnosed (it's pronounced on my side of the family).
We have been through a bit over the last 3 months and have stuck by each other. I have not been a happy person. I have been stressed and tired and feel like I am the go to for everyone....it's exhausting. The kids hardly ever ask dad for stuff, it's always me. He helps where he can but I feel like I have to ask him for help.
He said he doesn't know what he wants or if he even wants to stay married to me. I have cried, I have gotten angry and he's had no emotional outburst. He said it's because he bottles his emotions up and I pointed out that the cried on our wedding day and when our kids were born, so me he's already checked out and wants out - he just doesn't want to be the one to say it. His response 'I don't know'.
He is hoping the space will help him to step up and stop relying on me but I don't see how having space will do that. If he knows that's what needs to be done, why can't he work on that whilst we are together? Am I not understanding something?
No there is no cheating. Yes, he may feel like he wants someone else..... I don't even like the person I have become.
He won't do marriage counselling, he doesn't see how it will help. I guess I am worried that he will be happier without me (I mean who wants to know that someone they love it better off without them) I thought we would make it. I know I have my faults but I didn't think I was that bad but I guess I have been. I try and be accountable for my faults and I do try and actively fix them.
This all stemmed from me telling him last night that I am not happy and I know haven't been the nicest person lately. He responded with 'Yes for the past 3 months you've been snappy and angry but I have put up with it because I know that's not you. I have tried to help out but I don't know how much more I can take'
All I wanted was for him to acknowledge that I was feeling like crap (I cried in the shower the previous night and he didn't even ask if I was ok, but our daughter heard me and came and checked on me :-( )
I don't know if I am posting this to vent or for advice. I'm just emotionally confused right now.
5 Replies
First of all, big hugs to you. I know where you are, I've been there and so have many of us. It doesn’t sound to me like it’s anything not fixable. The first thing you have to tell yourself is that YOU also deserve to be happy, just as much as he does. It sounds like your pain and unhappiness is impacting your marriage more than anything else is specifically. Have a Frank discussion with your husband about how much you do love him and that you haven’t felt yourself because you are just worn out. Being a mum is so taxing at the best of times. Tell him what you need to be happier and then prioritise yourself. Go and see your GP incase there is anxiety or depression at play. If there is then get a care plan to see someone, or medication (it literally worked wonders for me). For me it was crippling anxiety that I didn’t even know I had, I wasn’t sleeping, always feeling grumpy and upset. When I started feeling calmer and my moods improved, my marriage was naturally easier to navigate. Good luck and please be kind to yourself, if you work on being happy right now, everything else will follow ❤️
Definitely see your GP. Get some counseling for yourself to work out what’s going on with you. You also need to have a discussion with your husband about what a trial separation will consist of: how long will it last? Can you both date/sleep with other people? Will he remain under the same roof (he wants the separation he can move move)? And either way, he can be responsible for the kids 50% of the time. If you don’t think the kids will cope with week about, then do 3 or 4 days at a time. If he’s remaining under the same roof, then you go out on your nights off without preparing dinner or doing anything for the kids. If you do remain home and the kids come to you, send them off to dad as you’re having some ‘me time’ and dad is in charge.
Sweet, you should pack a bag and go off for a few weeks. Give him all the space. For real, you need some down time and he needs some space but this is the way the ‘space’ should work for you to have any shot at a future.
Give him space. You could use a break too.
Give him space. Sooner or later he will realise it is not the answer but by then you will probably realise life is actually easier without him. Warn him that if he leaves and does not put in the hard yards that does not automatically give him a free pass to come and go whenever he wants. He will have to ask if you want him back. Only take him back on your terms.