So I have just found out my husband slept some random while away for work, this has naturally gutted myself and the kids (the kids only know we are separating not all the particulars) the worst part he wasn’t going to tell me and continue to “be normal “ with us.
I am so torn, do I leave and be single which scares me, sell our houses and continue living.
Or forgive and things never return to normal
There was also an emotional affair approx 14 years ago.. I feel I know what I need to do but I am so ashamed this has happened and living in a small town won’t help
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21 Replies
Sell the houses and seperate, run for the hills and never look back ❤️.
You have no reason to be ashamed.
It's his behaviour, his actions, his disrespect.
Being single, refusing the disrespect he's dishing out, that's not always going to be scary. It's only now while it's an unknown. Engage a good lawyer. Refuse any piss poor settlement offers he tries on you. Don't walk out without every cent you're due. He's going to squeal like a bitch anyway. Give his cheating ass something to squeal about.
How did you find out? My answer will depend on that.
He was away for an extended period of time and his behaviour was off, he had deleted all his posts but a screen shot was in the pictures. He was trying to hide it
He was away for an extended period of time and his behaviour was off, he had deleted all his posts but a screen shot was in the pictures. He was trying to hide it
It wouldn’t have stopped he will just get sneakier. Get rid of him. Cheating is a big No No for me. The risk he also puts you at , coming back to you and your kids. Who knows what the grub has caught.
Okay, so that means to me he had intent to cheat, and hide.
It’s not necessarily the cheating that would indidcate to leave, it’s the deceit that hurts the most.
I would leave and never look back.
Yeah that’s not Something you accidentally do as one off. I’d consider that more an MO, you’ve only caught one time. Well, a few now over the time you’ve known him. I’d base my next move on that, knowing if you stay that’s what’s to come.
And I will add, it’s so weird to feel shame, I just wish you didn’t. The shame is all his. And you know what, do not live your life on what you think other people are thinking of you - they think of you a lot less than you think!
You hold your head high and remember that shame isn't your burden to carry - it's his!
Having lived in a small town as a teen, I know why that makes you anxious but give it a few weeks and all the Nosey Susan's will be gossiping about some other juicy occurrence.
Between the emotional affair 14 years ago and the casual sex he planned not to tell you about recently, I'd be very surprised if this hasn't happened before. At the very least, there's a pattern of behaviour here!
Being single can be hard in some respects but it's 1000 times easier than living with that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that comes from infidelity. Any time he's late home, is in a funny mood or a little out of sorts, spending more time than usual on his phone etc, cheating will be the first thing you'll suspect. That's exhausting, it makes you feel paranoid and it's not good for your mental health.
You've got this mama, you're stronger than you think!
I live in a small town now, and have for over 20 years.
The only small town folk that will give you grief are the small minded ones and ain't noone got time for those assholes.
Most of us are just decent, hard-working people like you.
And then there is the ones that you don’t and won’t ever know about. Hell yes go be single and leave his cheating ass. He won’t change. He is only sorry that he got caught! You deserve better and don’t let single life scare you. You will love your new found confidence and independence once you leave. You will especially love not having to think about what the cheating scum is upto. I can also tell you now that it did not only happen once. They all say that, thinking just once is ok. I’ve been there. I got rid of my ex as soon I found out. How dare he do that to me who is home raising our kids. How dare he do that to us! Best thing I did, was get rid of him. It never only happened once. Please don’t settle for this and torment yourself for life. Be free of it coz he won’t change. Remember this is nothing to do with you or what you have done. This is everything to do With a selfish, disrespectful pig who thinks he can go sleep with what he wants and won’t get caught. Get tough and don’t take it. You settle for this, you will be accepting to be treated this way for the rest of your life.
I'd personally be leaving. It's not the first time.
My husband did something I classified as cheating (he didn't think it was as bad as I did), I told him if anything of the sort (or worse) happened again I'd be out.
This was happening for a year prior to our wedding - I found out a month after we married. I was ready to leave then.
I only stayed because my family talked me into it and explained what I had.
In my mind, I had too much self respect (after having previous partners cheat) and I wanted out straight away.
In hindsight I am glad I stayed, but in saying that what my husband did was not emotional or physical. If I were, I'd be out.
I just read your reply above re how you found out.
I'd be leaving. He was hiding his tracks and being very deceitful.
Don't be ashamed and hold your head high.
Know your value. You will struggle at first but him hiding it is very different to coming home and admitting a mistake that happened as a once off. You may not want to upset your life but you will be likely happier in years to come knowing you did what was best for you and not accepting that behaviour, and showing your kids that it’s not right. You may stay but he may do it again. In staying now, you’re also letting him think it’s ok if you’re just going to forgive and move on. It will be a constant issue day to day and cause problems. You could try counselling. There’s no point in staying if you don’t resolve the why. It’s a deep routed issue within him. There’s probably a lot you don’t know and you will feel like a fool if you find out. There’s no easy answer though.
The kids only we are potentially separating not all the particulars
The kids only we are potentially separating not all the particulars
That's not consistent with your second post where you said they're distraught and want nothing to do with their father.
Stop lying and stop hurting your kids by involving them in adult issues.
14 years old isn't old enough to have these adult burdens.
You now need to fix the relationship they have with their dad.
It was easy to recognise your other post.
Wish someone would have told me to leave when this happened to me. Mind did you it again, they all do! I was told once that if a husband cheats, he has already checked out of the relationship but is a coward!!! Sooo true. Leave now and sell up while the real estate prices are good, you are entitled to at least half of everything. Don't waste your time on a lawyer, find a family dispute practitioner, mediation is way cheaper. Most importantly, hold your head high, your town will have so much respect for you, act like a lady and they will treat you like one. Good much, time will heal, trust me
Counselling-
Is the rest of your relationship good? Are your needs being met? Essentially is everything else you both have worth fighting for?
Why did he cheat? Presumably his needs aren’t met- but are you able to meet them in the future?
You’re allowed to be broken and shattered from this, your kids too. But repair can take two paths, together and grow or separate.
Only you can figure that out and it may take time to figure out.
Maybe you try for a while but can’t find the trust again or maybe you’re both stronger because you break this down and work out why and grow together.
Good luck!
I feel for you my husband has an emotional affair 2.5 years ago I always wonder if he’s told me everything and if it’s the truth. I try to get past it but deep down I have no trust or respect for him. Married 13 years house etc. marriage isn’t great now we are just sort of surviving I hope you get through this better than I have. Thinking of you it’s the betrayal that’s the worst
People cheat for many reasons. Usually because they are not getting all their needs met by the one person they are with. If your marriage is good in other respects and you can move past the sex he had with someone else the you should go for counselling.
I've been the other woman, unknowingly, and I can tell you he needed someone to talk to. He told me so many deep things that were going on for him. If he could have told his wife then I wouldn't have been needed. Sex was just a product of the communication that we had.
I'm not condoning it at all, just saying there will be a reason.