Hey sisterhood, this is going to be a long one. A little back story on me. I was with my now ex husband for almost 27 year's & married for 25 year's when I ended our marriage at Easter this year. I was with him since I was 16 & a half. He is am emotionally and financially abusive alcoholic & I couldn't take it anymore & if I'm honest our marriage had been over for a long time & I'm not sure when I stopped loving him. Fast forward to now. I met a wonderful guy online in a Word game of all places. When we first started talking we got along straight away & had joked about how many people used that game as a way to try & hook up & that wasn't what we were. Well turns out we were both wrong lol. We discovered that we both fancied each other our chats slowly started turning to sexual conversations. We took our chats to emails and eventually to WhatsApp. We talk pretty much every day. There is one major thing keeping us from meeting face to face anytime soon & that is about 11000 miles. I'm in Australia and he is in the UK. All things going to plan we will meet in January next year although we would both give anything for it to ne sooner. Anyway I've developed very strong feelings for him, I would even go as far as to say I've fallen in love with him. We have once said love you to each other, and I have told him I care deeply for him, that was about a month ago. He has made me feel like I matter, that despite the fact I'm a very plus size gal that I am sexy & desirable. I so often type a message pouring out my feelings, but out of fear of rejection & loosing him I delete them. I know he is a real person & not just a scammer as I have come across several of them. And I don't know if we're exclusive as we never talked about that & I don't know how to ask. Anyway I guess who I'm asking is do I risk it all & tell him & ask him how he sees us or should I wait until we meet & see from there? If you read this far thank you
19 Replies
you are two strangers who chat on the internet, that's it.
you can't confess feelings to someone you don't actually know/haven't actually met.
you can't be exclusive if you arent actually dating.
this is the biggest rookie move online, chatting for months with a stranger, mistakenly thinking you're building real intimacy and a connection, but only that can be done in person.
keep your penpal, keep meeting others and if you are able to meet one day and there's a spark, awesome, but don't build this connection into some fantasy that it isn't, right now.
he doesn't have to be a scammer to not be right for you.
my cousin can wow women online, they think he's amazing, he talks to them for months, but he can't sustain an actual real life relationship, he's too selfish.
the internet - where people can be whoever they want.
after 27 years, you need to get out more, meet real people, get some real life dating experience.
and do NOT send any sexy photos to a stranger, if you arent comfortable with them being put on various websites.
http://motherhoodmatters.org/false-intimacy-of-online-dating/
Yep I chat to two guys I know in real life and they talk a big game but they are literally just chatting shit and not that person in real life at all.
Woman comes out of an abusive, controlling 27 year relationship with dangerously low self-esteem.
A few months later she finds the love of her life online, with a man overseas who tells her how sexy and attractive she is and quickly steers the conversation to sexual content.
He loves playing word games, he doesn't trawl the site for vulnerable women to get sexual with and get his rocks off, with no commitment.
What could possibly go wrong?
I genuinely hope this all works out for you but please be cautious.
Don't define or put any labels on this relationship until you've met (at the very least).
How is this going to work long term though (assuming this is all above board and he checks out)?
Your choices are essentially to do the whole long distance thing or one of you will need to make an overseas move. Of either of those options aren't possible, you're better off remaining friends from the get go.
Protect your heart!
The chances of him living up to expectations are pretty low. It’s super easy to romance someone online.
Do not allow him around your kids when you do meet. It’s not ok to run through relationship milestones and safety just because you’ve been talking online and it’s long distance.
If he comes to visit you, he either needs to be able to afford a hotel or to be able to get on a plane if it doesn’t work out.
A friend of mine spent an awkward two weeks with a guy cause neither of them could afford to change flights etc when they didn’t click in person. It was one extremely long bad date! So much disappointment.
Cat fishes are not always the poor English, soppy, "help me" types, some are very realistic. I would make sure you've used video to talk more than once, you're on their FB and they have real friends that interact with them and don't ever send money.
How do you know he’s not a scammer?
Be careful, your relationship of 27 years only ended a few months ago. You are most likely in a very vulnerable place and it would be easy to be woo'd by someone....
Eeeek. Don’t fall in love online. Are you Skyping? Video chats?
You can’t possibly be in love without meeting in person. What’s happening is your mind filling in the gaps to make something your dreams want. We all want a love story right?
But don’t go and hang your life and your moving on and into your new independent self on this ‘relationship’.
You’ve been in a relationship a long time, I will tell you now that people talk a whole lot of bullshit and waste a whole lot of other peoples time online. You can’t trust anything until you’ve seen it in real life.
You have to keep in mind that no matter what you feel and hope, you are holding the right to walk away if there’s no click or attraction or it’s just not who you thought when you meet and any time throughout dating. And so does he. Keep that in mind when you want to make any declarations, keep it in balance.
My sister's husband of 15 years got caught out chatting to random women in Words with Friends, which then progressed to Snapchat, insta etc messages. He was in a committed relationship with kids and was telling randoms he was single and lonely and looking for a relationship/love. He was saying complete shit online to what actually happened in real life.
The have been separated for 2 years now.
Forget about Mr Internet! Go and live your life and enjoy your freedom! Have you ever just been able to do what you want as an adult? With your ex since 16, you've gone from childhood to 27 year long abusive relationship. Enjoy your freedom, give yourself a few years of finding yourself before even thinking of finding a new man. I know the attention is nice but these things rarely turn out well. Get out there and find yourself.
I’d definitely chill a bit, you haven’t even met yet. I hope it works for you. But don’t put all of your eggs in one basket just yet. If you haven’t, watch tinder swindler on Netflix.
As someone who went overseas to meet a man I met online I say go for it BUT!!
Only if he is paying.
Only if you have video called
Only if you can have those DandMs
Aaaand
Only if you feel 100% sure
If you can tick all those boxes then you have nothing to loose. If those boxes are all ticked and you don't do it you will always wonder what if.
Stay safe and keep it real 💯
Have you face timed and spoken face to face.
When i was younger i met a heap of guys , even had a guy from canada out to meet me.
talking i thought i really liked a few of them but meeting in person it was completely different and most of them were an instant no attraction and never saw them again.
Internet talking and real life can be two very very different things.
Besides the fact .. can it really work on other sides of the world from eachother? is either willing to move? if not, whats the point?
I escaped a DV relationship and got into the world of online dating. Most men on there were creeps. My self-esteem was low and I recognised that any relationship coming from that would be a dependent and unhealthy one. Maybe your man is real but that's not the point. The bar has been set very low due to your previous relationship. Please learn to love yourself first. Learn to nurture yourself and take the time to heal. When you choose to get in a relationship later on its not because he can offer you anything to do with your self-worth. Its because you want to share all the wonderful things about you with someone else. Everyone is capable of learning a little bit of self care/love and there is not a single person who does not deserve it. If you cannot say 'I love me' or even 'I like me', then you are not ready. Be careful beautiful lady ❤️
Well emotionally and physically you want to feel love again. Just remember if the effort to meet and stay in contact is weighed more to you using your time and your finances it's very likely not what your hoping for. Keep your eyes and mind forefront in this long distance game.
I know you probably don’t want to hear another story of failure, but this one is a doozy.
A young lad I met in an online game who lives in NZ had an Aussie girlfriend who he met in game. They chatted and got along, exchanged emails, talked on the phone and even Skyped. They planned to meet then Covid happened, so they postponed meeting and finally once restrictions eased he travelled to Australia to meet her.
They were planning their wedding and where they were going to live etc before he travelled.
When he got to Australia he got the shock of his life. His girlfriend wasn’t a girl at all, she was a he and that’s not what he is into.
This was a couple of years of planning and talking, emails, face to face over the net and via phone calls.
Please be very careful!