The universe hates me. And I mean hates me.
I try to be kind and caring. I pour my heart out. I loved my partners and done everything right by them. I love my child so damn much. Love my family.
I have a narcissistic mum who has always done me wrong. I'm never good enough for her. My daughter either.
But the universe is pushing me
When I was 19 I fell in love. I got cheated on, beaten, locked up for weeks with out a phone or a car. He treated me as his sex slave. I feel pregnant and planed my escape. I had the clothes on my back and left.
I worked hard to start again, saved for a car, a couch even a TV etc.
I've been a full time mum now for 7 years. My daughter has ADHD/ODD, she's hearing impaired and to be honest a brat most days. But she has her good days. I love her all the same. But more days I want to hang my self.
2 years ago I met a man. He seemed okay. To he wasn't. He broke my heart, violated mine and my daughters safty. We were trying for a baby, which just ended in a termination at 12 weeks and I've regretted it daily. I cry every night and it's been 10 months.
The police took and order out on him
3 months later I find out he has a secret other life. Trying for a baby with her the lot.
We hang out. We make friends it's all nice.
To she starts poking the bear. It was all fun and games. To the police come to mine putting an IVO on me. Im still fighting it. It's costing me a fortune. I won't have it. He can't win. The other girl did the things he is accusing me of. She keeps saying to me what can I do to help you. But doesnt actually do anything. She needs to tell the courts she did the things he is accusing me off (which are trivial little things any way, like sending him chocolate shapped penises in the mail). Im wondering if I should just come clean and say I have proof of the invoices in her name. But im not an awful person like that. Do I throw her under the bus?
Court was last week for second hearing. I thought okay this is it. What ever happens I'll be free of drama. I'll start life again.
Court was adjourned!
And not only that, that day my daughter and I became homeless!
I got new flooring put down. The landlord did what she wanted to do. Didn't talk to me or my agent. My dishwasher had leaked all over the carpet after I asked them to fix it.
The carpet went mouldy.
So a man came out and my world came down.
He sanded the concrete slab. He didn't cover anything. I went back that night to everything covered in dust. My dad went to talk to him. He said he didn't care. Wasn't his job to tell us he was sanding ley along covering things.
He came back the next day for revenge.
He opened all the doors, the pantry even brought my bird in side and sanded away!! EVERYTHING we own is covered in silica dust. He has put black all over my vanity and walls. He has trashed my house basically. Cut him self and there is blood on the doors.
My brother being an engineer and works with cement told me about black lung, silicosis and said don't go back there, it's just as bad as asbestos.
Im now back at a lawyer, wanting to be compensated. Work safe also said I cant live there as silica dust is very dangerous. We have to get a special company out to clean before i can start to see what can be saved of ours.
Im living with my dad and his wife.
I have no friends where I am. The other girlfriend of my exs hasn't contacted. She doesn't care. She's just walking away. She met a new bloke starting a new happy life. Im happy for her but it's sucks I have the IVO and the universe won't give me a break.
Im a mental wreck. I have nothing now. No house. No furniture, all my photos everything is ruined.
I don't really want to do life any more.
I loved my exs and they are playing victim even after what they did to me.
And now im being punished by mine and my daughters house being ruined.
My real estate don't care.
I can't find a new rental to save the life of me. My agent has given me 30 days to move out as I said I don't want to live there any more from all the silica dust being in the vents and bedroom carpets etc
My dog is still living at home, she's my whole life that dog. She can't come here as she fights with my dads dog
I've always been in surval mode. Always take one day at a time. But I can't any more.
I don't see there being a place for me on this earth any more
All the abuse, all the broken bones, the lies, the cheating, the termination of a baby I wanted so badly. This has made me feel even more traumatised.
I just don't know how to keep going.
What have I done in this life or my past life for the universe to hate me this much??
1 Replies
I don’t think the universe hates you, what I can see is right now and for a long time, things are super hard for you and it’s taking a toll on your mental health and emotional stability.
Start by getting a mental health plan to gain some control back over your life. Get support for the abuse you have suffered (none of which has been your fault and you didn’t deserve it) and get some support to help you with the grief of the baby you have lost. Because even as an abortion you’ve still lose a baby and that’s going to be hard. Loss regardless of the reasons for it has a right to be grieved and you have a right to that grief.
Yes, you should also come clean if you have the invoices in her name. Why wear the actions perpetuated by another. It’s not throwing her under a bus it’s assuring she is held accountable for her own actions. Let her be accountable for her actions and don’t wear the bunt of that. That’s a her issue - not a you issue. Let the courts and your ex decide if he follows though with penalising her for what she did.
I’m concerned about your situation and your mental health and it breaks my heart that you think hanging yourself is a solution. I assure you, this is not a solution and hope you get the support you need asap so you can see how valued and valuable you are to this world.
Stay strong, and find a reason to hold on every day until you can get the support you need ❤️