The universe hates me

Anon Imperfect Mum

The universe hates me

The universe hates me. And I mean hates me.

I try to be kind and caring. I pour my heart out. I loved my partners and done everything right by them. I love my child so damn much. Love my family.
I have a narcissistic mum who has always done me wrong. I'm never good enough for her. My daughter either.

But the universe is pushing me
When I was 19 I fell in love. I got cheated on, beaten, locked up for weeks with out a phone or a car. He treated me as his sex slave. I feel pregnant and planed my escape. I had the clothes on my back and left.
I worked hard to start again, saved for a car, a couch even a TV etc.
I've been a full time mum now for 7 years. My daughter has ADHD/ODD, she's hearing impaired and to be honest a brat most days. But she has her good days. I love her all the same. But more days I want to hang my self.
2 years ago I met a man. He seemed okay. To he wasn't. He broke my heart, violated mine and my daughters safty. We were trying for a baby, which just ended in a termination at 12 weeks and I've regretted it daily. I cry every night and it's been 10 months.
The police took and order out on him
3 months later I find out he has a secret other life. Trying for a baby with her the lot.
We hang out. We make friends it's all nice.
To she starts poking the bear. It was all fun and games. To the police come to mine putting an IVO on me. Im still fighting it. It's costing me a fortune. I won't have it. He can't win. The other girl did the things he is accusing me of. She keeps saying to me what can I do to help you. But doesnt actually do anything. She needs to tell the courts she did the things he is accusing me off (which are trivial little things any way, like sending him chocolate shapped penises in the mail). Im wondering if I should just come clean and say I have proof of the invoices in her name. But im not an awful person like that. Do I throw her under the bus?
Court was last week for second hearing. I thought okay this is it. What ever happens I'll be free of drama. I'll start life again.
Court was adjourned!
And not only that, that day my daughter and I became homeless!
I got new flooring put down. The landlord did what she wanted to do. Didn't talk to me or my agent. My dishwasher had leaked all over the carpet after I asked them to fix it.
The carpet went mouldy.
So a man came out and my world came down.
He sanded the concrete slab. He didn't cover anything. I went back that night to everything covered in dust. My dad went to talk to him. He said he didn't care. Wasn't his job to tell us he was sanding ley along covering things.
He came back the next day for revenge.
He opened all the doors, the pantry even brought my bird in side and sanded away!! EVERYTHING we own is covered in silica dust. He has put black all over my vanity and walls. He has trashed my house basically. Cut him self and there is blood on the doors.
My brother being an engineer and works with cement told me about black lung, silicosis and said don't go back there, it's just as bad as asbestos.
Im now back at a lawyer, wanting to be compensated. Work safe also said I cant live there as silica dust is very dangerous. We have to get a special company out to clean before i can start to see what can be saved of ours.
Im living with my dad and his wife.
I have no friends where I am. The other girlfriend of my exs hasn't contacted. She doesn't care. She's just walking away. She met a new bloke starting a new happy life. Im happy for her but it's sucks I have the IVO and the universe won't give me a break.

Im a mental wreck. I have nothing now. No house. No furniture, all my photos everything is ruined.

I don't really want to do life any more.
I loved my exs and they are playing victim even after what they did to me.

And now im being punished by mine and my daughters house being ruined.

My real estate don't care.
I can't find a new rental to save the life of me. My agent has given me 30 days to move out as I said I don't want to live there any more from all the silica dust being in the vents and bedroom carpets etc
My dog is still living at home, she's my whole life that dog. She can't come here as she fights with my dads dog
I've always been in surval mode. Always take one day at a time. But I can't any more.
I don't see there being a place for me on this earth any more
All the abuse, all the broken bones, the lies, the cheating, the termination of a baby I wanted so badly. This has made me feel even more traumatised.
I just don't know how to keep going.
What have I done in this life or my past life for the universe to hate me this much??

Posted in:  Mental Health, Health & Wellbeing

3 Replies

Anon Imperfect Mum

There’s too much to process here, it goes back so far that things that happen now knock you and you seem unable to walk away from bad things and move on. You seem to have issues with relationships. Being able to walk away, you were playing with fire making friends with your exes exes. You need to see a psychologist. Get a referral, and go and see one. Start talking. They will help you. You can call the helplines for a chat as well or find a counsellor in your area but they won’t be as helpful as a psychologist.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Also the universe does not hate you. I think you feel this due to growing up with a narcissist mother, who blamed you for everything and made you feel you deserved all the bad and no one or nothing would ever think you’re worth more. It’s not true at all, but you’ve grown up with that, so it’s your thought pattern now. And the narcissistic mother issues continues into having a poor support network so you accept less trying to find your place in the world with men and friends, and you also don’t have that support many others do to fall back on when things go wrong, as they do sometimes for us all.
Deep breaths and you will get through, you will stand on your feet again and problems now will be over and in the past. I hope you get some professional help, it’s hard on your own.

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Anon Imperfect Mum
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