When my partner drinks, he gets 'spikey' towards me.
He becomes aggro about everyone he works with, his family, and everyone he knows.
He doesn't raise he voice, he just waffles negatively and aggressively (for hours) such as "no fu*ker respects me round here" blah blah.
I'm an upbeat, perky person and it's just rather unpleasant having this negative, aggressive drawl carrying on so frequently.
He also experiences self inflated ego when drinking and starts saying all the things people have said about his excellent work... but it's tedious to hear, because it isn't a natural conversation. It's bravado and aggression.
We have been together for 15 years and have a child.
This never happens in front of anyone but me. Our child is in bed and my partner would never behave like this in front of anyone else.
He never displays dreadful behaviour. He never calls me names or becomes physical, he never threatens me and never applies controlling behaviour.
Other than his drinking, we are fortunate to be a very stable couple.
However, he drinks regularly and says hurtful things and then retracts what he says, saying I have 'taken it the wrong way'. It's as though he sticks the knife in and twists it, then pulls it out so fast I can't make a fuss.
It's difficult for me to put into words what he says, because it seems so minimal, yet I know it isn't acceptable. However, I also know that to make a long term relationship work, you have to tolerate one another's imperfections. I would much rather tolerate this behaviour than someone being unfaithful, for example.
For example: His parents were coming over and I was whizzing around the house dusting etc. It was the evening and he was drinking. He just followed me around saying things like 'why are you bothering, this place is a shit hole there's no point, I don't think the table has been dusted for 6 years' etc etc. It wasn't the words that were hurtful, but the way he nastily scoffed and chuckled to himself and just kept 'pecking'.
My Dad was in hospital and I felt I was balancing a fine line of fighting for my Dad's care, but also not taking over.
When my partner was drinking he said 'I think your Dad is really disappointed in you, for not fighting harder for him'... he promptly passed away the following week!
I responded to him by explaining how I felt it was a balancing act. He then retracted what he said, said that isn't what he meant and that I twisted it. This is what he always says.
This is a frequent occurrence and if he isn't pecking or sticking the knife in, he's just creating an aggressive, grumpy, negative air in our home once our child has gone to bed.
It's as though he just wants to hurt me and pull me down, because he is hurting so much, yet once challenged, he backtracks and says I'm making a fuss.
He is remorseful the following day if confronted, yet in the same breath isn't prepared to receive professional help and say because it doesn't happen every night, I should be able to move on from it and know it's the drink talking.
I don't drink at all.
His behaviour only changes when he is drinking, yet I know he is hurting, lacking in confidence and jealous.
There is alcoholism throughout either side of his family.
We have a child and have been together 15 years.
I know he is hurting so much for various reasons and I feel really sad for him that he uses alcohol as such a support.
This is nothing new. It has been going on for about 10 years. He always says he will change, that he doesn't want to be like his family (the way he behaves towards me when drinking is the same way his Dad has always behaved toward him when he drinks), we've gone to therapy in the past, he's been drink-free for 6 months (when I couldn't tolerate it any longer) and then it creeps back in, but ultimately, he won't get help for his painful emotions which cause his to drink.
I know it's an awful thing to admit, but I sometimes feel that I wish he would be dreadful towards me, so that I would know what to do and have to take action, so that it comes to a head, rather than this subtle, pecking, which I can't make a fuss about.
I know that his behaviour isn't fair or acceptable, but I also know that it's important to tolerate one another's imperfections to make a long term relationship last.
We are otherwise, very good together.
I would much rather tolerate this than, for example, a partner cheating on me.
Any suggestions welcomed.
17 Replies
Darling, just because this isn't blatant abuse or infidelity it doesn't mean it's something you have to tolerate!
Putting up with our partners imperfections is things like accepting minor character traits we find a tad annoying and it's compromising. It's not allowing yourself to be your partner's drunken emotional punching bag because you see it as preferable to being cheated on.
The subtle digs (that aren't even that subtle to be honest - the one about your dad was outright spiteful) and the tense atmosphere his drunk beligerence creates will eventually wear you down, if it hasn't already, and resentment will build.
It's time to acknowledge that he has a substance abuse problem that probably stems from some emotional trauma and/or mental health issues.
What you need to do is decide where your line in the sand is going to be because if you don't you may as well just accept that this is going to be your life.
Personally, I'd be making it clear to him that he needs help. I'd ensure he knew I was willing to help and support him through that but if he's not willing to do that or if he slipped back into old habits again - that's when separation will be discussed, even if it's just a temporary one until he can get his shit together.
Ultimately it's important that he knows that you're not playing anymore!
Thank you so much for responding.
You've made lots of very helpful points and your perspective is very much appreciated. The part about being his punching bag particularly resonated. But also when you say about accepting that this is life if not acting upon it and making change. I can't help but feel that I am making a fuss and should tolerate a certain amount of 'annoyance', but when you say that you believe long term relationships shouldn't involve situations like this, it does open my eyes.
Thank you so much.
So he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. There is nothing subtle about it. He can be hard to see the wood for the trees when you are in it, but from the outside it’s obvious!
You need to stop making excuses and finding reasons for his rotten behaviour. It’s time to get out.
He will never take his treatment seriously. He is fine with treating you like this, otherwise he would have stopped years ago.
Many thanks for responding. Yes you're right, when you're in a situation it's very hard to see objectively.
It feels so wasteful to throw this all away, but I do believe that you're right and otherwise he would have stopped years ago.
Thank you
Just remember it’s a slippery slope. Protecting your mental health and your boundaries is not wasteful at all. You might need to do some research on what happens if you don’t do it early on , because you’ll have far worse things happening and still be telling yourself the same thing, it’s wasteful to throw It away over just that a,b when you’ve got cde etc
Thank you. I really appreciate your time and perspective. Massive thanks
Honestly this needs to be addressed by him and if I were you I’d be requiring some action. I’d need to see some serious steps to get help and a continued effort to move forward. He is out of line. Besides the fact he does it ful stop the main red flag I see is that he only does it to you. This shows he has constraint and can act appropriately but is choosing not to with you. I’d see it as a clear disrespect that he would do it to me of all people.
Thank you for responding. Yes, you are spot on- he does need to take action and just from the few that have commented, it's made me feel that putting my foot down with regard to him receiving professional help, is a must.
And yes... you're right... it does show certain constraint because he only does it to me.
Many thanks
No one deserves to tolerate mental abuse sober or not. I would personally be giving an ultimatum alcohol or you leave. It’s probably the only way he will stop. It’s sad that normally nice people can act like this when drinking.
Thank you. It really is sad and I can seem him hurting and insecure. It seems such a waste and loss to throw away the good he gives.
Many thanks
My husband was very similar, never abusive but would be extremely negative and as I would put it “annoying” when he was drinking. He was a reasonably regular drinker, like once a week, but on occasion he would have trouble stopping and he would be an absolute mess. He would always apologise the next day and I would say no more drinking and he would stop for a while. The drinking always came back in, it was definitely a cycle and it was all to with how he was feeling. Apart from that he was a loving, kind, chilled out partner and father to our kids so I would make excuses for him because in “real life” he was good and we were mostly happy.
Then one day that changed, he had been drinking heavily and went into an alcohol induced psychosis. He beat the shit out of me because he thought I was an imposter, in front of out children.
I’m not telling you this to scare you, I’m telling you because it CAN get worse, even if that person is the most non-violent, gentle person in their everyday life.
Please take others advice on this post, what he’s doing now is abuse, though not physical it still affects you negatively.
Gosh, this sounds a heartbreaking story. I'm sonsorry for what you experience and what your kids saw. Thank you for sharing.
I wonder, if the psychosis hadn't have happened and he had remained an annoying, regular drinker... would you have continued to tolerate it, because generally he was a good man and you were mostly happy?
The psychosis is massive, extreme and terrifying thing to experience,but also brings things to a head...
Many thanks for your input
He is gaslighting you. He is subtly wearing you down and then claiming it's 'all in your head' which creates self-doubt. That is why you feel so confused about what to do and question if you are overreacting and keep downplaying his crappy behaviour. You are tiptoeing around his behaviour by making excuses for him. Which he has trained you to do all the zillion times he has made you feel guilty because he is struggling emotionally and you dare to say you do not like the way he is treating you. Physical abuse is nowhere near as common as the emotional/psychological abuse you are experiencing. You mentioned he never behaves this way in front of others... I assume you mean even when drinking. That screams he knows what he is doing to you and uses his drinking as an excuse as he is able to control it at other times. Stop comparing him to the worst possible man you can think of to try to justify what he is doing. If you are not ready to leave, please at least refuse to be around him if he is drinking, start putting boundaries back in place and tell him you will not tolerate it any longer e.g. he goes to the shed, sleeps on the couch etc. If he escalates when you make a reasonable request you have your answers. Please remember you are worthy of better 💕
Thank you, your reply has been really helpful.
Yes, you're right, he doesn't behave like this to others when he's drinking. He is behaving the same way to me, as his Dad did to him (and still does. Dad has always been a big drinker).
The problem feels, that I can see he's doing it because he's hurting inside. And inevitably he's wanting to pull me down a little to make himself feel on a stronger level.
I don't feel anger, I feel really sorry for him and can see his hurt.
Thank you so much
I just want to say that I know exactly how you feel. My partner does this exact same thing. He oozes anger and negativity but because it's only words I find it difficult to leave. He's fine the next day so I feel like I just put up with it. When you find your answer id love you to tell me
Please read my comment above about my husband, it doesn’t always stay just words
Thank you for responding. Whilst I am sorry you feel you're in a similar position, there's something comforting knowing others understand. I've found this group and people's opinions and stories very thought provoking.
It certainly is a difficult thing and whilst I don't want things to escalate... I kind of do, to hope he gets the help he needs and deserves.
I can see my man is hurting like hell inside and doesn't feel good enough.
Why do you believe your's does it?