Hi, I just want some help to see if I’m being reasonable or not. Bare with me ….
We have recently hired a female labourer for our carpentry business. Things were going well. Hubby said she is a great worker, doesn’t stop doing things, positive etc.
Fast forward, and they have been working away a lot just the two of them and have been going out for meals every night (to be expected) however I’m getting abit uneasy with the getting home from dinner at 10-11pm and spending near $200 just on dinner/drinks. Hubby also pays for all her breaky, smoko, bottle-o needs, lunch etc. plus $100 away allowance. I feel that there needs to be five and take but paying for her alcohol and every meal needs to stop when that is why we pay additional money every night.
He has tried to hide an email with an excessive amount of alcohol with their meals was purchased, which i confronted him and he said he didn’t want a fight and also didn’t want to be reminded of the amount the night cost him.
I have said it needs to slow down and she can pay for her own meals mostly with the odd shout. He agreed and said he would broach the subject but nothing has been said yet. Am I being reasonable?
Also, they have been arguing when she drinks as she gets moody and gives him the silent treatment and will not talk, slam the door when she gets out, hang up the mobile on him etc. one of which night out escalated to her getting drunk, getting mad and running off in unknown place and crying later saying she will kill herself if she looses this job etc ….
She will mostly always asks my husband about the call when I get off the phone with him, and sometimes can get cranky (not so much anymore, when he would be on the phone to me or his mates)
She snaps and messages him on the days they don’t work together. Totally normal things, he’s showed me some of the messages and his replies. However I feel like it’s disrespectfully to be messaging so much in his limited family time. Especially when they can talk so much during the week?
However now with the weird girlfriend like behaviour I’m starting to get uncomfortable? Am I over reacting or is there something to be worried about ….?
50 Replies
No, that is weird behaviour you're not imagining it. She's acting like a jealous girlfriend and I would assume that your husband is having an affair with her or was. Nothing else can explain that behaviour, then on top of that him taking her away all the time, why not one of the others or mixed up? Dinner that lasts hours is not just a dinner after work either. Add this all up and the answer is he is cheating.
There is no reason for your hubby to be taking an employee out for dinner every night. None.
He needs to set some boundaries. This entire situation is toxic and screams of an emotional affair (bare minimum). Your hubby is opening himself up to a buttload of problems as far as sexual harassment claims etc.
He needs to be keeping his relationship with this girl as work colleagues only. Her behaviour screams that she is incredibly confused by your hubbies lack of boundaries and sees him as more than a boss.
Yeah this is way over the line. No one’s husband should be in any kind of relationship like this with another woman. I can understand if he simply crossed the line and it’s a bit hard to pull back - but only a little, because it’s never hard to say ‘I have a family and can’t spend on pub meals and your alcohol anymore’ if it was a guy I don’t think this issue would even arise.
But then the other emotional bit sends bad bad vibes that she feels entitled to him and he doesn’t want to upset her or else she’ll spill.
This is a wildly inappropriate employer/employee relationship. Period!
There is soooo many professional boundaries being stampeded here.
On a personal level, this is a wildly inappropriate way for a married man to be behaving with another woman.
This whole situation ain't right sister, you know this.
Whoa! No definatly not over reacting!!
There absolutely needs to be a stop to this, otherwise you will end up losing a good employee if not worse!
When she messages could you message her back? Keep it professional of course but that way she knows you are aware of her messaging him, and it will stop her having access to your husband unnecessarily.
He needs to be made accountable also, because I highly doubt he would do these things for a male employee, so ask him what makes her so special?
She also sounds like she has some mental health issues so please be aware of that, she may not as rational as you would expect and she could have misunderstood your husbands generosity for something more. Keep it purely professional and do for her the same as any other employee and if she's threatening suicide call an ambulance and let them take care of it
RED FLAGS HERE AND YOUR HUSBAND IS A F’N FOOL..! he knows exactly what he is doing.
Buying her alcohol, spending large amounts of money. He is doing this for a reason.
If I was you, I’d be kicking his ass out. There is nothing innocent in this at all. She also wouldn’t be acting like a gf if he wasn’t treating her like one. They have the perfect set up for an affair. None of this is innocent.
don’t be sat back being treating like a fool. Any normal boss wouldn’t stand for that behaviour when they have a family or even put themselves in that situation unless they want to.
I’m sorry to say but there is more to these 2 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My friend used to play the sulky game with my ex.! Sulking too because they were sleeping with each other behind my back. There is NO EXCUSE for your husband doing this.
Agree. Any boss would avoid doing this especially so with a female due to the high risk to himself and his business. He’s been really dumb and I think he knows now and he’s trying to distance but can’t bring himself to do it properly now because she’s going to sink him.
Exactly, if it was my husband he would freak and tell me he wasn’t going away with her anymore and even better get rid of her. He can’t because he is in too deep and he is loving his second life away from home. How sickening for this poor lady.
I have an idea, next time turn up late at night, to where they are staying.i bet they are in the same room.
Yes you should be worried. They are sleeping with each other. All the signs are there.
Gets her drunk and this is How it started. They always like to use alcohol as an excuse. I bet the work trips have got more frequent.
You poor lady. These 2 humans are filth. It’s all right there in your face. While you may not realise now, you will look back one day and wish you left him sooner.
She is also probably bribing him with telling you. Search his phone. Go to the hotel where they are staying next time and don’t tell him. Go bust his ass, coz you won’t ever get the truth from either of them, so no point asking, find out for yourself.
You know that feeling you have, that is your gut and your gut doesn’t lie. Please go with your gut and don’t let him treat you for a fool. You are better than this and deserve better than this. If you find out what I think you already know. Just know that it’s nothing to do with you or what you have done and it’s everything about him and his lack of respect and decency, as a husband and father. This is no way your fault. He will always try and bring this back on to you, once caught up. Stand up for yourself and be strong & don’t take his excuses, tears or sorry’s. He knows what he is doing and they keep going and only sorry once they are caught out.
Arguing when they drink? This is because they are in a relationship. We can all see this. They aren’t using work, to cover their affair. It’s all a lie to you.
They are using work as an excuse to hide their relationship. None of this is normal.
Maaaaaate. They’re definitely banging.
I have an alternative thought to the other commenters. I wonder whether they initially clicked and he has made it clear that they aren't getting together. I think maybe she has mental health issues and is really unstable and your husband doesn't know what to do.
No... I'm not a blind idiot who thinks men are never at fault. It's just that the behaviours you are describing sound like a personality disorder. He may be in completely over his head and not knowing what to do. He may also be feeling as though it's his fault if she is so irrational and has been blaming him, so he doesn't feel like he can tell you he needs help.
I'd be talking to him openly and looking at rostering so they don't go away together... get some distance. I'd even hire another person even if it meant an income decrease to try to break the pattern for a bit.
The truth will come out in time, whether your husband has betrayed you or it's coming from her.
Silent treatment, not answering his phone calls after drinking and getting angry with him for talking to his wife doesn't sound like mental illness. It sounds like she's his gf and not one sided at all. She is extremely close to him to be acting like that.
Na he’s a dog!
If this was the case, he wouldn’t still be going away with her and he would confide in his wife, not hide things. They are both up to no good and I feel sorry for this poor innocent lady, who sits at home, waiting for her husband to come home from working away safely. He doesn’t deserve it. It can’t get any more obvious.
I honestly think this is the case…. She is manipulating him and he is trying to keep everything running and thinks he can help fix her. He has offered to get rid of her if it affects our relationship but I know that will come back and be thrown in my face. And then is he just saying that cause he knows/doesn’t think I’ll do it. ??
Let it be thrown in your face, who cares there is more at stake here. He doesn’t think you will do it. Tell him to get rid of her or you are moving out. There are plenty of men out there who need jobs, he can’t be that hard up for workers. He is spending money on her, he isn’t trying to help her. Alcohol isn’t a help. He is helping himself and covering his ass. There is no way, I would allow my husband to work away with a women and spend nights having dinner and drinks with her and hiding stuff from me. There is nothing innocent about this. He should finished work for the day and that’s where it ends, he doesn’t see her until the next morning at work.
Deep down you know but I think it’s hard to believe, someone you love and loves you, is capable of such a thing. It happens all the time. Only you can put a stop to this now. She needs to go. I’m sure he would still see her behind your back anyway. I wouldn’t trust him one bit. Open your eyes and be one step ahead of him at all times, because you won’t get the truth. Just trying to save you months of humiliation here. Bluff gun, anything, turn up there late at night unannounced knock on his door. Do what it takes. Can you confirm they have separate rooms? I mean he can book them but prob sharing a room.
He doesn’t think you’ll do it & he is playing innocent.
He has making her sound crazy so that if she does get angry and confess to you, he can just say she is crazy. He is definitely cheating on you, there is no doubt at all. If he wasn’t, he would have stopped this long ago.
I honestly think this is the case…. She is manipulating him and he is trying to keep everything running and thinks he can help fix her. He has offered to get rid of her if it affects our relationship but I know that will come back and be thrown in my face. And then is he just saying that cause he knows/doesn’t think I’ll do it. ??
No, she has something over him. This isn’t normal at all. He better watch himself if it wasn’t the case, she will be laying charges on him next. If he was innocent, he wouldn’t continue going away with her or spending our money on her. I’m sorry but I don’t think he is innocent. No boss gets them self into this paot ion with an employee unless they want to. You end it the moment you get uncomfortable, which should have been the first moment possible.
So she’s dangerous, mental and manipulating him and he, as a boss and business owner and married man decides the right and safe thing to do is ply her with alcohol, foot all her bills to excess and take her away alone?? Noooo
You're in denial. Why does he keep taking her away if she's such a liability? Years ago, my ex worked on the mines. He would come back every break complaining about his work colleague how she's done this and that. He ended up losing his job because he was verbally abusive to her and threatened her when they had all been drinking. He made out that he had enough of her and snapped one day which was believable to me after months of bitching about her. I find out years later that was his on site girlfriend and he had been living a double life, the night he threatened her was after she ended it with him. Sometimes you don't want to believe it became its too hard to deal with but you know deep down something isn't right.
And when she gets drunk and emotional and it’s just them, he doesn’t call you right then and there and say what do I do?
He did the opposite, he was radio silent. Because she’s not crazy, he knows exactly why she has the feelings she has , he knows exactly what’s going on and he doesn’t want you to know.
I've seen a similar scenario and do believe this may be the case. You might benefit from going to a psychologist together to explain how she reacts in various scenarios and get some ideas on how to respond to her irrational and unpredictable behaviours. Your husband can't fix her. He needs tools to extricate himself from the situation
They are on together. She's threatening to tell you if he doesn't so he's telling you all of this so by the time she tells you, you already think she's bat shit crazy and don't believe her. Plus it will look really good for him to have his wife support him if he gets accused of sexual harassment, which will be the next step after telling you. He is cheating. That would be me gone especially this situation where he's created the opportunities right in front of you and even had you do all the bookwork for it. He has made you out to be a fool as well as demolished any trust that was there, you will never get that back.
Oh dear it’s all there and you don’t deserve this. he has no plans to end it, else he wouldn’t have got rid of her. They are together and probably don’t do much work when they are working away. Ring the hotel and ask for a room next time don’t tell him 😂
I feel so sorry for you having to read the replies, it’ wouldn’t be what you hoped for but we don’t want to see you being lied to and fed lies with this whole situation. Some of us have been in Similar situations and we only want to spare you more heart ache and open your eyes, so they can’t keep fooling you. I hope you can get sole honest answers and move forward. It is painful being lied to and cheated on. The only way to get honest answers usually, isn’t from the ones cheating but doing your own home work with your eyes open and don’t take any crap or excuses.
Yep, we all see the same behaviours. You’ll know them next time too. And he won’t tell the truth. The first time he comes clean, know that he is telling 10% and still telling you 90%lies to your face. He’ll only admit the part he can’t possibly deny anymore and try to play it down and twist it all around.
Or it was only once and I was drunk. I am sorry I won’t do it again ( through tears ) it’s always more than once and even once is once too much. The usual excuses. I’ve been there and it’s painful but once you realise, you aren’t the issue and they are scum. The best thing to do is move on and be happy. It’s so hard to move on but it’s the best thing to do. The only thing they are ever sorry about, is that they got caught.
I hope you are ok and get the answers you need 😞
This isn’t an employee, this is a girlfriend. You are most certainly not overacting, you are just missing the big picture here & it’s normal when you trust and love someone. He is cheating. This isn’t normal at all.
Has he ever said to you, I’m worried about this girl. This isn’t normal the way she is acting. I am
Uncomfortable with the way she acts.
You are his wife. These are the things he should be telling you, if this was all innocent. There is nothing innocent about the pair of them.
Hi, yes he has. I definitely don’t want to sound nieve, my radar is 100% on and I will be one step ahead like users have said. I’m one of those useless people who without 100% proof can’t action something. So I just hope that something slips up if it’s going too and I can have closure and leave. But yes, back to it, she is an ex addict who moved here to start fresh away from family/friends etc and he has said he feels responsible if anything happens cause she’s too good of a worker/ person to go back to drugs which maybe she’s implied she will. Or maybe he just says that. But she’s also an alcoholic which I have seen first hand nearly crashing her car after 10 drinks. It’s all so messy and shit. She’s very rough and not his type so I think it’s not a physical affair, maybe emotional? however hurts all the same that he hasn’t enforced any boundaries therefore picking her feelings/needs over mine and our childrens
Ok now that you mention the rough side. My ex was cheating with my best friend. I never suspected it because she was Grose. She was rough and I used to think how she spoke and looked. It was the main thing that threw me off. I didn’t believe he would touch her. I started getting suss when she started to cry and run off when she would visit and it was just very odd. I could tell it was slightly aimed towards him yet i was one of her best friends, why was she doing that around him. Then I caught her in the car one day when a song came on, she looked up at him in the mirror. I noticed it and from them on, my eyes were open he denied anything and everything. In the back of my head, I thought no way because she is like a man and she’s Grose , he wouldn’t go there but again I knew in my gut something wasn’t right and I did my home work and busted his ass! He still denied it. I kicked him out that day and never seen him again. I cut him off. It was so sickening and took me along time to get over.
Let me also tell you an ex junkie, alcoholic, he would have slept with her. They are professionals to get what they want. They are con artist. look through his phone. Ring the hotel he stays at. See if they have 2 rooms in seperate names. Check your statements. Turn your there. Check his car. Watch how is is around his phone. Especially when he goes to bed. Does he have a new pin? You can’t access it? Does sleep with it under his pillow?
Me ex also felt sorry for my ex best friend 🙄 oh he had all the excuses. He used to tell me how Grose she was but it’s a simple as this, he wanted his turn like the rest of their work mates and he got it but he lost me and I found myself.
You aren’t naive. What I hope though that these replies have opened your eyes incase it’s true, because you don’t deserve the heartache of an affair. It’s painful and your kids don’t deserve it either. You are hoping for the best and trusting him. I’m just not buying it. I think he’s been there and he’s in too deep. Sit him down and talk to him. I know when my husband lies. I would be able to tell by his answers, his face and body language. the way he reacts also. Check his search history on his phone. How protective he is of it. There is many answers in a phone.
Hi, yes he has. I definitely don’t want to sound nieve, my radar is 100% on and I will be one step ahead like users have said. I’m one of those useless people who without 100% proof can’t action something. So I just hope that something slips up if it’s going too and I can have closure and leave. But yes, back to it, she is an ex addict who moved here to start fresh away from family/friends etc and he has said he feels responsible if anything happens cause she’s too good of a worker/ person to go back to drugs which maybe she’s implied she will. Or maybe he just says that. But she’s also an alcoholic which I have seen first hand nearly crashing her car after 10 drinks. It’s all so messy and shit. She’s very rough and not his type so I think it’s not a physical affair, maybe emotional? however hurts all the same that he hasn’t enforced any boundaries therefore picking her feelings/needs over mine and our childrens
Sorry but what?? He wants her to do well, she’s an alcoholic that’s crashed her car drunk recently and he’s drinking with her and shouting her all night drink sessions
Hi, I've read all the replies and I'm not convinced they are having a sexual affair, however lines and boundaries have definitely been blurred.
From your original post I think she has some deep mental health issues, which she probably masked when she first started work but has now become more evident. I think your husband believes she is just having a moment and he can help her through it and probably wants to be the hero to her. He can't save her and its not his responsibility- employee or not. He absolutely needs to pull back and let you possibly take the lead on this.
It seems harsh but I think she needs to be let go. Or a t very least be told to take some time to sort her self out and then come back.
Maybe I'm naive too and maybe they are having an affair so definitely do some investigation. But to me, mental health/personality disorder seems to be the stand out and obvious thing
Good luck I hope you can sort this
Agreed. It would be wise to dot I's and cross T's before letting her go though.
I wouldn’t. I’d be letting her go and the first hint of shagging my husband and making me feel uneasy. He is financially supporting her everything! she is a professional. Alcoholics and junkies, they know how to get their fix and what they want. He has a family that is his priority and always should be.
Being smart about letting her go protects them financially. She's an addict and highly manipulative by the sounds of it. If she is unjustly let go it will allow the drama to continue and potentially destroy the business
She will also end up bringing his business and reputation down drinking like that and driving but he’s willing to risk all that? Risk his business and his family. She’s moved away for a reason and she’s spinning what ever shit she wants, no one would know any different. She’s prob still a junkie and your husband is her financial support.
Meth addicts are great workers when they're using because they are so fast, that's why it's so common in trades. They're also very emotional when they're coming down, mix it with alcohol and you have a disaster. If they aren't having an affair she's still using.
I would absolutely not stand from this but aside from my personal feelings…. The drinking on a work weekend HAS TO STOP. From a HR point of view you are then liable for ANYTHING that happens to her. Imagine how it sounds “she was away from her home town, alone with her male boss, being plied with alcohol then the worst happens” no matter who is at fault you and your husband and your business are liable. If she starts making allegations regarding your husband on these trips you have nothing. I would not allow her to be alone with any male in your company (do not put this in writing) and NEVER buy your staff the alcohol on work trips. Any of them. Such a huge liability. Someone gets in a fight. Your fault. Someone gets sexually assaulted. You fault. Someone gets in their car and drives. You can also wear some blame for this one. Work trips = no company money buying alcohol. Now they can certainly buy their own! You can’t stop that. But if they get rolling drunk it’s not because their male boss “forced” them to drink. Or they felt obliged to accept because they’re a female working in a male dominated industry. Gos I could go on with example after example. Show your husband this post and show him the responses. Maybe that will scare him into doing the right thing. Good luck.
I would absolutely not stand from this but aside from my personal feelings…. The drinking on a work weekend HAS TO STOP. From a HR point of view you are then liable for ANYTHING that happens to her. Imagine how it sounds “she was away from her home town, alone with her male boss, being plied with alcohol then the worst happens” no matter who is at fault you and your husband and your business are liable. If she starts making allegations regarding your husband on these trips you have nothing. I would not allow her to be alone with any male in your company (do not put this in writing) and NEVER buy your staff the alcohol on work trips. Any of them. Such a huge liability. Someone gets in a fight. Your fault. Someone gets sexually assaulted. You fault. Someone gets in their car and drives. You can also wear some blame for this one. Work trips = no company money buying alcohol. Now they can certainly buy their own! You can’t stop that. But if they get rolling drunk it’s not because their male boss “forced” them to drink. Or they felt obliged to accept because they’re a female working in a male dominated industry. Gos I could go on with example after example. Show your husband this post and show him the responses. Maybe that will scare him into doing the right thing. Good luck.
Red flags, been there done that. Just walk away tbh….you will never get that trust back ever again. Speaking from 2 emotional affairs cheating and the “what he doing” is constantly on my mind