I need this topic settled, or opinions.
Years ago…
My long term partner came home one day, super stinky and dripping sweat from his usual 3hr gym session, and pulled out a ring and proposed. To which I thought he was joking, given he knows how much I hate being hugged by him when he’s quite literally dripping in sweat from the gym and stinks. I said no.
This was years ago. Like 8+ years.
He’s now saying in general conversation that he was rejected when he asked the first time.
Then when I raise it was barely a proposal, he tangents on how it shouldn’t matter how it was done etc etc.
I said to him, the level of effort or thought matters. The fact it was from your gym session, not even showered, shows a very lack of consideration and effort on your part.
Apparently I’m shallow.
Thoughts?
34 Replies
I get what he is saying just because he was sweating you said no you should love him anyway he comes and no wonder he doesn’t want to ask again. I see his proposal as real, life isn’t all champagne and strawberries
I do love him unconditionally and don’t need a ring or marriage, but if I’m only fitting in to his schedule of doing things, is that fair?
Honey you both have deeper issues in your relationship to sort out then this if that’s the case. If you didn’t care about the ring or marriage this still wouldn’t be an ongoing issue
If you can't say yes to him at his "worst" then you probably wanted to marry him for the wrong reasons. You showed him that you're only interested in him when he's perfect, which has also showed him that you're not marriage material. You missed the boat.
I haven’t missed the boat. He keeps talking about it. But that wasn’t his worst by far, I’ve been with him through deeper troubles. It just felt like he didn’t lift a finger or make any consideration of me, as it’s a ring I chose and gave him details of to order. It would be nice if he did something for himself.
It sounds like a carrot he’s dangling in front of you, very passive aggressive.
I think you were shallow in that moment, but holding it against you for eight years is quite vindictive.
I agree, seems there is deeper resentment in your relationship, maybe explore that?
Wow, you said no because the proposal didn’t meet your expectations?
He obviously went to a lot of trouble getting you a ring, maybe he couldn’t wait for the perfect Instagram moment because he was so excited?
Yes, you are shallow.
I wish I was shallow. He asked which of the three I liked and got me to send him all the details to order it. If he, on the other hand, put any independent effort in, I’d feel valued.
You obviously have high standards and know what you like, if he chose a ring you didn't like you might have been upset, bit like the proposal?
Oh so you knew the ring was coming? He probably thought it was a done deal and no effort needed, so saw it as a powergame from you to reject him at that point. Does he know what you expect in a proposal? Everyone has such different ideas of what cuts it. Did you say no or did you say something gentler like, of course but I’ll say yes when you propose properly.
Two things. We all know that thought matters on this. Doesn’t have to be expensive but has to be thoughtful.
And 2, if he wants it he’d ask again. We don’t dig in and go ‘nah I asked you rejected me’ unless we are juvenile and unable to listen to feedback and change or just juvenile and think it’s good to have such a juvenile excuse up your sleeve forevermore of why you’ll never propose again.
I think you probably could have said, "I'm not going to answer until you ask me properly". Not a no and you're telling him to step up.
Proposals are hugely over rated.
How he treats you day to day is far more important!
Everyone I know who has had big event proposals are divorced.
Focus on the day to day stuff! Far more important than how he asked one question.
Lol bullshit !! Everyone I know who had huge proposals are still married ! Including myself. 18 years counting.
It's obviously not untrue for that commenter though. She didn't say everyone... she said everyone SHE knows.
I agree with the OP. My ex proposed to me at his parents place during dinner. I said yes, but I was hurt that he chose THAT moment in time to do it. It's not about them and their approval, it's a moment for both of us in a more personalised setting . He chose to involve his parents, and I couldn't have been more pissed off . We divorced 14 yrs later ( other issues) and he's still a mummy's/daddies boy to this day. Wish I'd said no in hindsight until he'd put more thought into it.
I think he was probably nervous so did it that way, because of nerves. Yes it’s not the type or proposal every girl dreams of but the thought was there. I would say it was his nerves and he worked up for that moment to do it. He prob should have waited and took you for dinner or something but nerves prob took over
You did reject him. You rejected him because he was stinky & sweaty & you wanted the "Paris under the Eiffel Tower" business. He just wanted to marry you...... and you said no.
TBH, I have serious rejection sensitivity (maybe he does too) and I would have broken up with you for saying no.
To me it sounds like you didn't actually MEAN no, but he thinks you did.
If it's been 8 years and he hasn't tried again, then he is still carrying the weight of that "no".
You say "the level of thought and effort matters" - so he'd been at the gym, doing his own thing, and all he was thinking about was going home and asking you to marry him.
And you said no.
If you really want to get engaged, maybe you need to propose instead now.
Also, in terms of him not putting thought into the ring, and you think it's unromantic that you chose it so he didn't have to have input - well, he chose the proposal and look how you reacted to that.
I'd say he is well aware of how you react when something doesn't go your way, so imagine if he'd picked a ring you didn't like.
I'm really surprised that you are still together. You openly spoke about getting married. He sought your input on a ring. Then he proposed and you said no because it wasn't how you wanted? You were interested in the proposal experience you fantasised about rather than actually being married. Yes, in that moment you were being shallow because your priorities were way out of balance.
If that isn't how you actually feel, change the narrative. You propose to him. I doubt that he will try again regardless of how much he loves you.
Mine got my kids to help him pick out a ring, then took me out to dinner about a month or so later.
He didn't even actually propose, we got in the car after dinner and he took the ring box out of his pocket and just gave it to me 🤣
I'm so jealous of the romantic ways some men do it, but I have to accept mine is just not like that.
Maybe yours is the same?
I think apart your vows you say something abour accepting your partner at his best and worst.
However, if you feel he could have "made a better effort..." I honestly think that sounds a little rude.
Omg you just missed out on the best proposal story!
Why???
😂
I love my proposal story. My husband bought me a ring. And he had all these plans on how to ask me but he was so bloody excited he couldn't wait!.
I had just finished doing a poo. A POO!!! and he came to the toilet door with the biggest giddy smile on his face and pulled out the box and said will you marry me?
I said, can I wash my hands first🤣 he laughed. I laughed and afyer washing my hands I said yes and we kissed and hugged and laughed some more. No, it wasnt candles and picnic blankets on a hill at sunset...but it was actually perfect in a way that it illustrates us as a couple. We like to laugh at each other and ourselves. We tease each other and joke around. We're each others best friend. We don't do the romantic comedy movie type romance anyway and it would seem like a forced or fake story. To me, thr poo proposal was perfect in the way it was us. 🤣
Maybe have a think about whether the picturesque proposal is for. For you? Or insta followers?
I think it sounds kinda awkward and like you both have regrets. He regrets asking you at that moment and you possibly regret saying no because he may never ask you again. I would suggest having an open discussion about just wanting him to randomly propose to you one day during a nice moment or you could propose to him as someone else suggested and make it the kind of special you want it to be. Do not continue to hold on to this as it's getting in the road of your future together. Talk about it, clear the air and plan something special together.
My husband literally said while we were shopping "if I walked in there and bought an engagement ring, would you wear it " we were passing a jewellery store. Thinking he was joking I tentatively said yes. He wasn't joking and actually did buy one. It's not the how it's the forever that matters. 9 years married here. Next year I'm planning a renewal to celebrate 10 years
Yeah it shouldn't matter. He proposed to you and you said no. In his mind he did his part and you rejected him.
I've joked around with my husband, and asked him what he would do if I said no. He flat out said that he would never ask me again.
So some men take it to heart. I would also take it to heart.
If I’d said no because the proposal wasn’t what I wanted I’d be pretty annoyed at myself.
I wish I had the down on 1 knee, but I got a ring pulled out from under my pillow at bed time. Yes I was disappointed but it wasn’t about the proposal, it was the fact he asked me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
I’m sorry people aren’t validating your feelings. I would have been pretty upset by the way it was done too.
You’re definitely in a hard place because yes both your feeling are valid in this.
Wow … poor guy!! You said no because he was sweating ? Sounds like you expected the Instagram aesthetic type of proposal. Very superficial of you ask me …I agree you are shallow. Hahahah … wow
We went and bought my engagement ring together and as soon as we got home, he got down on one knee and proposed.
It wasn't spontaneous or planned but it was us. That is how we are and it was a special day for us as it was our first baby's due date.
I get what you are saying it doesn't have to be champagne, roses and a fancy dinner but at least he could have waited til after a shower.
I probably would have thought my partner was joking and said no too, if he had done it like yours did
I’ve known my husband since I was 18. He asked me while I was watching big brother. While I would have liked a bit more effort we have been happily married for 8 years with 3 kids. It was def a rejection!
Well you did reject him 😂 he’s not wrong
Maybe he was nervous, my husband was supposed to propose to me overseas at a fancy restaurant- he was so nervous he bumbled something out in our hotel room before we even left 😂❤️
I dunno, I’m not in to grand gestures anyway but I do understand why putting the effort in is important- it just sets the tone ❤️
I've only ever been proposed to when my partner was legless drunk. I'd take a sweaty sober proposal in a heartbeat. I know it's not what you wanted but life isn't always about getting what you want. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and pop the question if being married to your man is where you want your life to go.
He did ask and you said no because it wasn't the fairytale you thought it would be, the poor bloke purchased a ring and got the courage to ask and he was rejected. Maybe its time you planned how you want it and you ask him!
Wow at least he asked. Obviously you've set expectations for the proposal you want so from the sounds unless it's to your liking you're just gonna keep wanting him to ask. Just get over it he asked you said no that's on you not him
Wow...shallow much? You obviously don't give a flying hoot about him or his feelings based on what you've written on this post. Surprised he didn't leave your sorry ass 8 years ago!!! Let the man go and find someone who'll truly appreciate him. Good luck finding someone else to propose to you....u sound very self absorbed and narcassitic!!!