Post partum mental illness.

I wanted to share my story about pregnancy, birth and postpartum mental health. I think it's important that we discuss this and be mindful of how we can stop it.

I became unwell while in the latter stages of pregnancy. I was in my third trimester and hid it very well. However, i could have quite easily walked out of the maternity ward in my pajamas and jumped off onto the nearby subway train tracks. I was terrified of everything including people stealing my baby who i loved with all my heart. I hid it for along time, or I thought I did. The maternity hospital wanted to readmit me after i presented to the ER with my newborn who had developed an rectal absess and i was convinced I did something wrong then when reassured that hours before while at a lactation clinic (i was struggling to breast feed with both of us miserable and me supplement feeding) he was unsettled and we couldn't figure out why. I was devastated because i thought it was all my fault then when they said they would admit us, i thought they were going to take my baby so we discharged ourselves. I never left the house or the baby alone. If I did leave the house, it was because of baby development appointments. I tried going back to work, but work told me to go back on maternity leave because they felt that I wasn't ready to come back. I stopped seeing friends, family and refused to interact with outside world. I stopped eating and sleeping. My ex partner wouldn't help me with the baby and said he had to work so I could just nap during the day. I told him i would just drive around the block to settle baby to sleep and I'd be back soon. I left and drove one state away way. I didn't know where I was going but the baby was finally asleep and that was all that mattered. My ex partner, meanwhile, woke up to an empty house... didn't know where we were, didn't try calling my cell phone, or calling my parents to look for us. Nothing. I did get a text later asking me to buy some cigarettes and bring me his lunch to work. What he didn't know was I was I had been missing for over 12 hours, no sleep, was anxious/paranoid/depressed/dangerous to myself, enraged over the text messages and had his 8 month old.

I did drive back and he wasn't home when i got home. I had receipts to prove I left the state. I was still in the same clothes I left in. I called the PANDA and they got a doctor and CAT team to assess me. My ex partner was told that I was extremely unwell and I was put on medication, had psychiatric appointments 3 times a week, put into a mother and baby program for mothers with postpartum depression and mental illnesses associated with that. After a few months of that, i decided to move out with my baby back to my parents.

The arrangement was my care to be supervised with family support because my ex partner was not supportive and refused to take part in care plans. They also said that DHS would recommend that either that was the option or hospital.

I was unwell for 5 years. If i didn't get the intensive care I needed, I would of been dead. But there's also something back in my mind that scares me... Even though I would never intentionally hurt my baby and loved him with everything I had... in my most impulsive thoughts and inability to control some urges/thoughts, I wonder if I would have forgotten he was in the car and driven into a tree. There were many many intrusive thoughts that were designed to be violent towards myself that could of easily affected and been deadly inadvertently to my baby.

That's why we need to very much look after our pregnant women, make sure they are in supportive relationships, have early warning signs to monitor for mental illness/distress.

Before someone dies, or someone kills someone they love.