I don’t even know how to word what I’m thinking and I know how terrible it comes across. Often I see posts or hear people say how much their kids mean to them.. they’re the only reason they get up each day.. only reason they’re alive etc. I’m generally curious the difference in feeling that level of love to their kids that they will put the kids needs first always over their own.. I’ve had a couple of serious suicide attempts and even though I am no longer in that place and am quite content with life and that I love my daughter and know how terrible her life would be if I was successful I don’t see myself ever not going through with it just for her if I ever reach that dark spot again. You read these autobiographies of people who have had hard lives or traumatic events and hold on just purely for their children.. I read that and feel guilty or that I don’t love my child enough to know i would be comfortable putting her through that pain to end mine when other people who hit the same point choose to stay just for their children.. I feel like I’ve got a detachment or love her less because I would do that?
Reposting from the other week as this question got missed going on the Facebook page
3 Replies
You don’t have a detachment at all. I think you are still in a dark place, you are just coping with it at the moment. your thoughts are real and has nothing to do with detachment. I think you should book in with a psychologist to discuss this, they can help you understand why. Remember how lucky you are to have each other. You do love your child. Part of depression is telling ourselves these things, which is a vicious circle. It’s not true. try and find some positive things to tell yourself when you have these thoughts or go and give your daughter a big hug and tell her how much you love her ❤️
Can I just say that when you are in that place which I like to refer to as that zone of being suicidal you don’t care about anyone else. And in not caring I mean you do believe people will be better off without you. You can’t see the light. When there is no light you believe you are the problem in other people’s life and that’s always far from reality but you can’t see the reality. Also I don’t think kids are the only reason anyone should live. It has to come from within you. For some people I think that’s the way to find light is to believe their kids need them. Unfortunately if it’s not from within it won’t last long. Speaking from experience.
Sometimes we think the worst thoughts e.g. they would be better off. Even though somewhere deep inside we know that isn't true. These dark thoughts come from depression/emotion. When the logical and rational part of our brain is switched off they take over. Remember these are just thoughts, not facts or choices. I highly recommend speaking to someone some more on reducing the impact of these thoughts (unhooking yourself). You can learn how to let them flow in and out of your mind without them dragging you down into emotions of guilt or otherwise. Congratulations on your journey so far. Depression is hard. Your thinking suggests a Psychologist, Psychotherapist or someone skilled in CBT could help some more x