After years of domestic and family violence and a messy divorce where my ex husband stalked me and threatened to end my life if I left him, my daughter made the decision to go no contact with him. She did this as his outbursts and manipulation was effecting her mental health and impacting on her ability to study. She has been estranged from her father for two years and is now 18. He has some significant diagnosed mental health/personality issues but refuses to takes meds and is still highly manipulative/ unstable at times.
Now her father has offered to pay for her college campus fees ($25000 per year) if she will see him and have some type of relationship with him. We live rurally so she has to move to a city to go to uni and she would love to stay on campus.
I’m not sure what the right thing is to do here. Is it ok for her to accept his money in return for seeing him? It feels wrong but on the other hand it’s her father and he has the means to provide for her. What would you say to your daughter if you were me?
What is the right thing to do?
What is the right thing to do?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
11 Replies
Nah he’ll make her uni life a living hell. She’ll find a way without being set up under his conditions. It’s very hard to get out of - you would know it. Do not lead her into that. She is no contact for a reason. And she will find a way to do uni without him (there is so much support available that it really is achievable.
I wouldn’t, can you even trust him and where does he get this much money from. Will he stalk her and harass her.? will he know all the details of her every move.
On the other hand, Has he got help now and wants to do right by her.? There could be so much more to this on his part. It’s very sad for him with his mental health but at the same time, can you trust him. If anything she needs to try and build a relationship first and go from there. Don’t just do it for the uni. A relationship with a father is worth more than any amount of $$$ do it out of love and giving him a chance first if anything and uni second.
I would encourage her to contact him first, meet him for lunch and catch up then go from there.
I'd say that it's her decision to make however allowing herself to be bought by someone who is toxic enough that she cut contact sets a dangerous precedent to behaviour she might let slide for the sake of money.
She'd get by without his money. And his bullshit.
No. He will hold it over her. He will use it to guilt, coerce and manipulate her.
Offering the money with an expectation of something in return, is already a manipulation tactic.
If he truly gave a shit about her, he'd pay for her campus, without the ultimatum.
Or he would be making efforts to make a simple relationship. One that doesn’t involve huge sums of cash and a contract and basically for her to be in a position where she’s under his whim for years.
This. All of this.
I guess it's ultimately her decision but I would heavily discourage it.
These kind of strings attached arrangements never end well, especially when a significant amount of money is involved and when one party to the arrangement is mentally unstable.
There are so many ways to make uni happen. A lot of us had to work crappy part time jobs, live in sharehouses, take out loans and commute to uni. It's hard work but it'd be a million times easier than relying on an abusive parent.
This is her choice to make. I have cut my Dad out of my life and I wouldn't take any money from him. I have already given this some thought as he will be dying one day and if he leaves me anything I won't be taking it. In my opinion you can't have it both ways, you can't cut someone out but still accept money from them and it also opens the door for 4 years of abuse that she will feel she has to put up with. If she's interested in having a relationship with him again she needs to put the ball back in his court, like get help for his mental health and show signs of improvement before their relationship can mend.
If she takes the money he will use that as an excuse to place a strangle hold on her life.
It will take her much longer to set herself free from him again.
Better to plan to not have the money
Absolutely not!! A loving father would pay the costs of education regardless of the situation. If you accept this offer I feel you’ll both be “in debt” to him forever in his eyes! This is financial control! I would have an open conversation with my daughter and tell her to consider the reasons she ceased contact with dad.