Been in relationship for 9 years, two children.
We actually have no relationship between us.. no hello/goodbye, no intimacy, I can sit there and talk, make conversation but get absolutely nothing back he does not even acknowledge anything I’ve said.
He refuses to help around the house, inside I manage to maintain but the outside is so bad we have not had visitors in over 3 years, he hoards things & piles up rubbish & refuses to clean it up. He refuses to maintain anything to do with the house and his excuse is ‘the kids will just wreck it’ !
I have caught him out lying several times to me throughout our relationship, we have done counselling where he was not truthful so I feel it was a waste of time.
Thing is he blames me, says I hassle him and tell him what to do (asking to help around house) he constantly insults me infront of our kids saying my job isn’t worthy & I need to do something more.
Mind you we do not share money we pay equal share, I don’t have the hours he has to work with as I’m also a fulltime mum who has sacrificed everything when I had kids, now looked down on & not good enough in his eyes. He earns 5 times if not more then me yet I pay half of everything, his constantly telling me to get out of “HIS” house & blaming me for the sky being blue.
If I ever leave the house without kids to go shop or pop into my parents he will call me before I even get there & ask me to buy him something or pick up food his ordered so that I’m back home within a time frame his comfortable with, he questions me a lot and I find myself having to prove and over explain what I’m doing.
The relationship dropped off many years ago, I left for just under a year & gave in to his begging for me to come back saying he will make the effort to do right thing.. this lasted a week.. I worked so hard for that new beginning & I know what it took to do it all which is why I don’t know how I’m going to do it all again..
All I ever wanted was fairness & the workload shared but I’ve gotten nowhere in all this time.
I know I have to leave but I just cannot find the energy, to not only start over but to also be brave enough & hold it all together for my kids.. my heart is broken I don’t even know what I’m asking here, I already know the answer.. maybe I just need some courage
5 Replies
You've got your answer love, you've written it all down very succinctly, you know it. He's wasting YOUR life.
As for the how.
You did it before and you can do it again.
Allow yourself your feelings, the loss of hope is valid. Losing your dream is valid.
Now it's about teaching your kids that when it isn't right, you don't hang in there. You pick up your broken pieces, throw what doesn't serve you in the trash and forge ahead into the scary unknown trusting in the universe to provide you with the opportunities to rebuild yourself into a glorious being who demands what she is worth and will not tolerate less.
It's in you, under all that pain, you've got this.
I think it's over.
Cut your losses, split the assets and move forward. He's holding you back.
He sounds exactly like my ex husband and you are living my life. I used to say the wall listened to me more than I did. He is emotionally abusive and you need to leave for you and your children. Atm you have an extra child - him!
Its hard leaving but write a list of all the bad things and in your moments when you are questioning if you are doing the right thing, read the list to remind yourself why you need to do this. Being a single parent is hard but in some ways it's harder staying like this. I would choose to be a single parent 100 times over then be in a relationship like that again.
Also, go after his super. I regret not doing that. I worked 2 days a week after having kids and he earned a lot more than me.
Its so hard and I really feel for you. The longer you stay, the more you will feel like you've wasted your life. I saw a psychologist before I left and was told to wait until he was at work and get people over to help me move some things out and leave a note for him. Maybe you should do that.
Good luck and remember you deserve do much more xx
Sounds like you have already given him a chance. You know what you want to do. You are already an amazing single mum, you just have an extra man child to look after as well as walking on eggshells. Go live your life with your babies xoxo