Hello
I have no idea where to start but really hoping you may be able to guide me.
I have been with my husband for close to 20 years. In these years we have had two beautiful children 14 and 12 years old.
We have been through massive amounts of loss not just family members but business also. Meaning we have been each other's rocks sounding boards everything.
After a workplace accident and the loss of one of his mother unfortunately he copes by drinking. This isn't something I agree with 1 I'm not a massive drinker and 2 I have seen through my childhood what drinking can do to a family. My children are my world, they do not and I will not allow them to think drinking is s coping tool. I also hate them seeing what drinking is doing to our marriage and to their father's health.
I've made a decision that I want to separate and have considered every aspect as to if I want to stay with this man but I'm at the point where I love him but are definitely not in love with him.
So my question is where the fuck do I start? Telling him is my first move but after that what do I do?
It will crush him but do I move out? Or does he? What happens regarding money and all our possessions ( we have accumulated heaps in our time together). We have no debt. We have some money saved? I'm so fucking lost right now.....
Leaving my husband
Leaving my husband
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
2 Replies
Take a break it may be enough to scare him into change. Don’t tell him but go with the intention of having a break and scare him enough to change his ways and get help. It may be enough to help you both by just having that time.
I have just done this in January after 21 years of marriage and 3 kids (19, 16, 10). I have known for a long time that I didn't love him anymore and couldn't see a future together (I'm 44).The hardest part is telling him, the second hardest part is telling your kids. After that, everything will fall into place, you just have to concentrate on moving forward. I rented a unit close by and we take a 'birdnesting' approach, that is, he and I share the unit week on, week off and the kids stay in the main house. There is always one of us around and it's minimal disruption to the kids lives. It's not a long term solution, but costs less than renting a second family home and the emotional upheaval of children. It's working for us. In regards to money, we are working very hard to keep this amicable and working with a mediation service called 'Step By Step for seperated families' (Geelong). Most of the work is done by phone and email and the aim is to keep it out of the courts and lowest cost possible. My advice is to start making lists, write down every expense you have (I used the money smart budget tool online). I'm working towards buying him out of the house and he'll buy something else (DO NOT sell your house if you can afford to keep it). We hope to have this process completed by Aug/Sept so we can give up the rental.
I'll promise you one thing from my experience - there is a big world out there waiting for you and once you know it's time to go, you will not regret it. There will be hard days but everything will turn out OK, you just need to be brave. I have met the most beautiful man who I truly believe is 'my person', I've had more growth as a person in the last 6 months than I have in the last 21 years. And it's all because I was brave enough to change my direction in life. I'm so glad I did and you will be too x