How can you love someone who refuses to get help. My partner and I have been together almost 6 years. Whilst being together he has suffered the loss of many loved ones. His whole immediate family is no longer with us. I have been supportive, and tried to be there as much as I can be. He’s a very private person. He has developed a drinking problem over the past 2ish years. He will drink to unwind, or grieve/cope.
After work he will have 1-2 “drinks” but the drink size he pours is enough to be 2-3 drinks per 1 of his drinks.
He’s not abusive when drunk, he’s more sloppy drunk, sways, breathes heavy, slurs words. I find this incredibly unattractive, I can smell it in his sweat also. At first I dealt, but it’s been over a year of me begging him not to drink.
I can tell the moment I come home from work if he’s had a drink. I can tell by the look in his eyes and his voice. I can go out at lunch time and come home to him in bed passed out at 4:30pm on a weekend. I then sit up by myself, lonely. He got help once and it was good while it lasted. He can go a few days without a drink, or he can drink everyday.
I have tried to speak to him numerous times about this and he tells me to “stop abusing him”. Please note, I’m not yelling; raising my voice. I’m simply stating that I’m worried for his health and it’s hurting me and I’m not coping and begging for him to get help. This triggers me because I was in an abusive relationship years ago. Am I abusing him? Is me pushing the issue abuse? I grew up with alcoholics parents so I believe his behaviour is also a trigger.
He works an extremely high stress job, and is an intelligent man. I don’t understand why this is happening. I can’t keep this up, and this is more than likely me sounding extremely selfish but do I keep going and try and fix it? Or do I throw away years of what was a good relationship. I keep thinking how I couldn’t imagine raising children with someone like this. I think about how if I was in an accident or needed help at night or a weekend he wouldn’t be able to be there because he wouldn’t be able to drive.
I should add, he is a great partner when he’s not drinking and prior to all of this he was fantastic.
I don’t know how long I should try and help, or do I walk away…
7 Replies
He is self medicating.
Hopefully he gets the help he needs.
Only you know in your heart how much your willing to walk that line with him for. Make the decision for you, respect your boundaries and where you want to be.
Be honest with him. Let him know your deal breakers and your lines.
Sending strength sometimes the right choice hurts us
I think you may have to walk out, so it’s enough to scare him and make the change that he needs. He covers his feelings with alcohol and this won’t stop unless he gets professional help and he wakes up to himself. You walking out might be the best thing to wake him up.
I am a female, A mum of 2 grown beautiful kiddies 23 & 18 and feel like how you have described your husbands life sounds exactly like my life😔 not the going to bed early bit... definitely Don't want anyone feeling for me or anything but I too have lost everybody parents, baby niece, watched my brother in law pass away very young watched my sister deliver her precious baby not alive feels like death after death I do try not to feel why me ? But I do feel ripped off 😔and loosing my best friends my Mum & Dad was the worst pain. (Yes I did go and see someone to talk about this) I just can't get past this trauma unless I have my drinks I don't drink everyday but when I do I will usually my Fridays I will hit it hard just to forget even if it's for that night I know it's not right but it's my release I too have a wonderful husband who has been by my side for 20yrs through all my dramas and he says to me I too need to slow down and sometimes he doesn't like when I'm like this and he tells me which im glad but I guess my point is some of us need that little bit more pushing and support and not someone to give up on us yes definitely let him know you feel like he's not hearing you 💯but I can assure you he hears you he just doesn't know how else to make himself feel ok even though there's counselling and other help sometimes they don't get it either. Your doing a great thing nomatter what you choose to stay or go just know his pain is unbearable because I live this way everyday and one day I too will hopefully not self medicate😪
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. Like yours, he is very intelligent and works very hard at a high paying, stressful job where schmoozing clients with dinners and drinks is standard and expected. He doesn't really have any reason to drink like he does at home. He has no trauma, and states he does it to relax. We've been married 12 years. This has caused many arguments between us. I've begged him to get help however he is in total denial that he has an issue. He obviously knows he drinks way too much, as he'll lie to doctors etc. He will drink minimum of 10 beers every night. He is not abusive at all, he's a pretty happy drunk & it takes a lot to get him sozzled. He's more tipsy. In the end, I had to decide whether to stay or leave. I very nearly left, which absolutely shocked him that I would leave our marriage over his drinking. But it was the lies too. Lying to me that he would quit. He would say whatever to get me to shut up, continue as normal, then I felt like he was a liar. If I pushed to hard, he'd tell me I was nagging him. I think they like to live in denial. I've talked about all the things you stated, like driving in emergency etc. We finally had a very honest talk and came to an agreement that he sticks to 3 cases of beer a week (still way too much, I know) and I'll not nag him about it. In the end, it's his life and he's not hurting us. He's a brilliant father, great husband in all other regards, and it's my only issue in our marriage. I feel like he'll die early, he knows this too. He knows I think he's an alcoholic, he disagrees. I think you need to have that honest talk, real honest and decide the outcome from there. Best of luck.
I think very differently to the many others that commented. I'm not saying that you don't have a right to be worried about him. But to have a couple of drinks after a very stressful day at work isn't a bad thing. Especially if the one way he can destress without dumping it on someone else's shoulders.
He has also lost family members, grieving looks different for everyone.
A large percentage of the country started drinking a lot more since the start of covid. Most of them really only had the added stress of being stuck at home in lockdown.
What is your biggest problem with his drinking? Is it because he drinks many days over the week?
Or because he drinks enough to actually get tipsy/drunk
Or that when you come home and want to spend time with him he's already had a drink and sometimes is already sleeping.
That he drinks alone.
Or do you not like him drinking at all.
I don't see him as an alcoholic, you said he can have a few days off and has kept his high stressful job. An alcoholic is always thinking about his next drink. Have you ever thought that he was having the one or two drinks to get out of his head for a moment so he can relax, if you've been nagging him it may make him actually drink more or earlier (before you get back from work) because it's something else he wants to avoid. If you don't like him drinking strong drinks, pour them for him and don't make them as Strong. Try and organize something else to keep him occupied and able to relax. Don't tell him what he's doing is wrong. Ask him to do something else with you. Talk to him. Find out what's going on in his mind, just listen. Maybe even of the Saturday ask him to wait til later in the day to have a drink and sit down with him relax and have a drink yourself. Small steps! Remind him you will be there. Remind him that you can still have a great relationship. Stop blaming the bottle. It will not work.
He needs professional help
Start with gp & go from their
This is serious
Maybe a break up might push him to get help
Time to take drastic measures
He won't get better until he gets help
I know first hand with my ex's
& Myself having to go to rehab
I would try Al Anon for you… might give you some support whilst you work out how to deal with this and what your options are. I would definitely stop begging him to stop drinking… it’s just going to make the situation worse. He is drinking for a reason, and begging him to stop is going to add another layer of shame and self loathing on him. Just do your own thing, catch up with friends etc. hold off on starting a family for a year or two… see if he can deal with his issues and get help in that time. If not, hopefully you still have time to have kids with someone else, later on. I married my ex and had kids but things fell apart. I had post natal depression and needed more support and he wasn’t able to step up. If you’re getting older, as in mid to late thirties, I’d consider freezing your eggs. I think there is a rebate available now so the price has come down considerably. Give yourself and him some time to seek help and support. I’d especially seek help for you, maybe with a counsellor, due to your upbringing it would be normal to feel triggered and unsafe around someone who is drinking too much. It may be hard to separate what is going with your partner from what you went through as a child. Most of all, look after yourself and your well-being… take your focus off of him and back onto yourself. You don’t want to end up in a codependency relationship.