As I’m writing this I’m an absolute mess and I know I need to get some help, but I’m not sure how or who or where.
I’ve been in two prior relationships, both ended up cheating on me, one for a couple of months, and the second on and off for a few years including during both pregnancies. I’m now in a relationship with a man who loves me and my two children, we have a beautiful family and life together. But it’s like I’m just waiting to be cheated on again. He’s currently away on a boys weekend and I’m over analysing everything that is said and texted to me. How do I stop over reacting and doing this to myself and my partner? I’ve been to counselling sessions, but I know I still blame myself for both relationships failing. Is there a step above I should be considering?
I just wanted to add that I was single for four years prior to meeting my current partner. I thought I had in that time learnt to love myself and come to terms with how to move forward, but this weekend I’ve taken 1000 steps back.
3 Replies
It's a mindset mate. I know it seems easy to say but hear me out.
What's the one thing that happened after both arseholes cheated on you? You survived. And got on with your life. Sure it hurt a fuck load, but here you are. If it happened again it'd hurt a fuck load again and you'd survive again. That's the important thing to remember.
Do you trust this man? If so, you can't let two previous arseholes weild this power over you all these years later. Trust him wholly knowing that if he cheated you'd boot his ass to the curb and get on with healing yourself again. It's such a big if... and not worth living every day worrying about it. If the day comes deal with it then.
A rule that we have is that if either of us are a fair distance away we text the other to let them know we arrived safely. Then again when we leave to come home. When I go way, way away (like hundreds of km away camping on my own) he texts every morning to check in. Other than that we don't touch base until it's time to be on the road again. We get to concentrate on what we've gone away for, don't have to worry about missed messages, or bad phone reception, or missing a time that we were supposed to msg because we got sidetracked. Honestly, when we're both back home we'll chat about what we did while we were away, where we went, who we saw, what we saw etc. No need to do it earlier.
BTW you have 0% responsibility for other people cheating on you. I don't give a shit what you did or didn't do, what was said etc. That was their choice and they wear all of the responsibility for that happening, not you. Don't for a second believe that if you were different it would not have happened. Some people just have poor morals and you were simply unlucky enough to have copped two of them.
Two things I learned was 1 - what kind of person do you want to be? Obviously because you’re writing here worried about it, not a jealous one and not in a distrusting relationship
2- how to go against your anxiety to trust him? You have to know and really believe that if he was to cheat, that you could sort it out and move on without him. You went four years, you know you will be fine. You’ve been cheated on - you know you’ll be even better off without him if he was to be a cheater. So until you have reason, live the life you want with him, be the partner you want to be with him.
Not the same situation, but similar i guess. In the first year of my babies life (really really difficult baby, got his full set of baby teeth in the first year and was an incredibly bad sleeper) I wouldn't know from one weekend or even week night to the other if he was just going to disappear and turn his phone off and go get ridiculously drunk and vanish, got put in the drunk tank, had to call the ambulance twice because he was drunk and went head first into the bitumen both times. The nights of driving around after he said he was gonna drive but never arrived looking for his ute on the side of the road then still having to wait until he wakes up and realises what he's done to hear that he is alive and okay. He doesn't really remember and i never really realised how much it would stay with me, 4 years later he did continue this behaviour for a while on and off but less frequently and began to grow up and realise he had an addiction to alcohol and take steps to help himself by pacing himself but regularly relapsd to binge drinking. I had/have post natal depression on top of that which didn't help.
The last time he did it, we had just had another baby together and I found him at the pub after he left the kids with mum with the promise he would only be 10 mins while he ducked to the grocery store. I found him at the pub and he could barely stand up and he was slurring his words and refused to come home with me. So I left, our oldest son that night came down really sick and had a temp of 41.5c that wasn't going down so I had to get my mum to drive my newborn up while I went in the ambulance with my oldest son (3), he turned out okay but it was a very big wake up call for him. All those times I said what if something happened and i needed to contact you, well it happened and he hasn't done it since.
Now he stays home and occasionally will call and let me know he is having a couple cold ones after work and then he will come home before dinner and help me sort the kids. However even after all the progress he mentioned the other day that he was going to go to the pub with his brother on the weekend he comes up. Which realistically shouldn't be a problem and I don't want it to be a problem. But as soon as he said it I got tight in the chest and my mood plummeted. I suppose even after a long time and then proving you have nothing to worry about anymore trauma doesn't hear these words. The fear of having to live through the heartbreak and crying and empty promises is real no matter how much time passes.
I really think time and this wonderful man showing you with his actions and understanding where you're coming from you will learn you can trust him and not all men are cheating pricks. Im slowly getting there and when he goes to the pub with his brother and doesn't turn his phone off and comes home at a decent hour it will be one more step in the right direction of being trustworthy partners who should be able to go an enjoy themselves without being a shit person.
I know its not the same but you're not alone, it doesn't have to be something crazy insane to have a traumatic affect on you.