My husband and I used to really love each other. We have always been passionate loving or fighting but over the last few years it's been way more fighting. We are starting to get really nasty with each other. I know the moment we start fighting what he will say and it usually goes with 'we need to talk and when i ask what about he says i think you know and then goes with 'you are a terrible person' ' no wonder you have no friends' (which I do), ' they all can't really stand you', 'fat c**t' also gets thrown in there, 'I want to leave' and when I say fine do what you need to, he tells me it's been my plan all along. He's a biiiiiig drinker and this only starts coming up when he is stressed about something, not that it's an excuse and usually because of work stress. I'm not overly nice either, I tell him he's a drunk and an a**hole, I've probably called him worse.... there is probably so much more I can say but just can't get it out right now.
I guess I know what needs to be done but my question is how do I grieve this and stay strong for my daughters? They are going to be losing their family unit. It never feels like the right time to blow up my family 😔.
I love him but I'm not sure I'm in love with him anymore. I know this is essentially on me but I need some support right now.
4 Replies
Your girls aren't losing their family unit, their family unit is just changing.
If I may be blunt, it'll be a positive change. Kids do so much better with separated parents than they do in a two parent home that is dysfunctional and verbally abusive.
Let those girls be your motivation, every time you feel like you'd be better off staying ask yourself if this is a relationship you'd want your girls staying in. Ask yourself if name calling, nastiness and hostility is what you want your girls learning about what relationships look like.
You keep strong by ending the cycle. Separations are never easy but kids are resilient and they adapt.
Your daughters will understand when you finally leave. You are showing them a strong mum and what they should never put up with. Don’t focus on separating your family unit, instead focus on creating a better and happy life with your kids. Leave him behind. He is a disrespectful pig! you and your kids don’t need that.
By leaving, to me you are showing your daughters that they deserve respect and happiness in their future relationships. I wouldn't say you are blowing up your family at all by moving on, instead creating a more harmonious environment for all. Make sure you get the outside support you need too, whilst you go through this change.
I could have written this. Together for 24 years married 16 (we were high school sweethearts) we have "grown up" together, made so many mistakes together and of our own.
I stopped drinking at 24 because I didn't like the person I was becoming (the friends I went out with every weekend were not so great influences... drugs, not respectful of relationships as in encouraging people to cheat on their partners) we had our first child a year later, he has never grown out of the whole binge drinking because its the weekend, I need to go to the pub every Friday. Sometimes he doesn't realise how drunk he is and he gets argumentative, im not perfect like you, I can be spiteful and nasty about his flaws. Sometimes it's helpful to walk away when they've been drinking (not always possible but ideally the best outcome) they aren't usually as brave without the beers under their belt.
I love my husband, can not even imagine doing life with anyone else but damn sometimes I sure as he'll do not like him.
Maybe try counselling. 🙂