I’m a little confused and not sure how to react . A boyfriend from 15 years ago his recent girlfriend added me on fb.
I left due to domestic violence.
She has added me on fb and messaged me for support as unfortunately she has experienced the same domestic violence and she wanted to know if I also experienced the same abuse and how I dealt with it and built up the courage to leave.
It was 15 years ago I’m now happily married with 2 beautiful kids
Part of me wants to be there for her and let her know she can get through this and give her advice on how I managed to pull through with years of therapy. But also part of me does not want to go back there with some painful memories from my past.
Do I just message her some words of wisdom and move on ?
I don’t owe her anything and don’t even know her he must’ve talked about me to her for her to have looked me up on fb which is a little creepy seeming we haven’t had any contact in 15 years
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
13 Replies
Be the person you needed when you were In the same situation
I would definitely send words of wisdom and move on. You don’t need to go back there and relive anything.
Sorry you went through what you did x
Maybe I'm cynical, I can't quite put my finger on it but there's something about this that just doesn't sit right with me...
I would actually think it through very carefully before getting involved.
You are not the only person in the world she could have chosen to go to for help or support.
Coming to you was actually really unfair because she either didn't consider that she would be dragging up a lot of past trauma for you or maybe she did but decided her needs were greater than your emotional well being.
There's also a possibility she has an ulterior motive, the fact that she's a recent girlfriend, knows about you and even how to find you on Facebook (I mean, how did she know you were even the right person?); I wouldn't trust that for a second!
Sounds callous but I don't think I'd respond, if I really felt compelled to reply I would point her in the direction of some DV services, wish her luck and cut contact.
Exactly!
Give her some nice words and support lines to help and move on. You don’t want your ex bringing you up again or blaming you. Just move on after giving her some short helpful advice as in domestic violence number etc and then cut contact. Apologise to her and explain it’s too painful for you to visit and for her to seek help. Not much more you can do, it’s up to her.
I would send her links to actual services and then disengage/ block etc. make sure you get your social media accounts locked down on the highest privacy settings. By contacting you she can be putting you in danger.
Your first priority has to be you and your kids, and I’ve heard of helping backfiring, on the ex.
I wouldn't message back. This seems very strange. My ex was abusive to me over 11 years, he has since had 3 other girlfriends which have all ended the same way. I had no desire to get in contact with any of them and compare notes. To me it sounds like she is either trying to set you up to say something about your ex that she will run back to him with, or she wants to take him to court and wants to prove he's abusive. There's plenty of people out there that have been through DV, she can get support if she needs it. She doesn't need to search his exes up to get it. Let sleeping dogs lie I say, you don't want him back in your life and this could well be the start of a new nightmare.
Tell her yes, give her all the red flags so she can realise this is him.
Something about this seems off. Trust your instincts on this one. There are plenty of avenues this person could take to get support or talk to people who have been in that situation or similar, who are willing to share their wisdom and experience. Why look up old girlfriends on Facebook? That just does not sit right with me at all.
This is really common and not at all unusual. Ex partners can offer confirmation of a pattern of control and abuse. This can be enough that a woman can see he's not going to change.
Different commenter- I don't necessarily think there's anything suss about this poor woman reaching out but I do think the OP needs to be very careful because this could potentially open up a can of worms for her.
If she has it in her heart to give this girl some kind words, great.
If she doesn't, I think that's also completely understandable.
I encourage you to respond, even if briefly. She needs confirmation that she is not the only one, that it is serious, that she can leave and get help and that is possible to live a good life free from violence (that she deserves). You are a role model for how it can all end, and can at least let her know you are in a better place. Give her a local family violence service number or 1800 RESPECT which is the national helpline. You don't have to offer any ongoing support if that's too much. Just kindness and encouragement.