Do I have to inform my ex husband I am taking our 4 year old to a child psychologist?
My ex and I seperated as a result of dv. my 4 year old has had a lot of trauma in his life prior to the seperation as well.
My ex and I have no formal parenting orders but co parent quite well at the moment. He however has a very strong, very negative view of psychologist or any mental health care, especially for young children. His belief is of you pay attention to the issues they may have you will make them worse and they will do it more for attention etc etc. Not views I agree with at all.
So while we are co-parenting well ATM do I need to tell him I am taking our 4yo? I have a first meeting with the psych without our son in 2 weeks. I know he will create a huge issue of this and there is a strong possibility he will try and stop him from going by calling the doctors/psych etc and saying he doesn't give permission. I don't know if he can do that but I know he will try.
I really feel this is the best thing for our son and I will tell him eventually but I would like to wait a few months and see what the psych is saying before I approach the subject with him.
Thoughts?
10 Replies
No you don’t need to tell him a thing. It’s best for your sons own safety that your ex doesn’t know. They will also get things out of your son, that your ex probably doesn’t want to come out. Keep this very quiet from him. Do not even give him a Hint of it. It’s not his business.
Before anyone has their say.. I mean not his business when he is so against it and he has been an abuser. He has no business knowing or has no right to stop your son from getting the help he needs and deserves. If he doesn’t get this help now, he will grow up with more issues. Good on you for doing this to help your son.
If he has a negative view then no, I wouldn't tell him. In normal circumstances yes you would. Tell your child they are seeing a child health nurse so if they talk about it he doesn't know it's a psych.
Speak to the psychologist first. Explain the history and what his beliefs are. Be guided by them on when or how to tell him.
Nope don’t tell him, just think through that your son will probably at some point mention to him that he talked to a ‘feelings teacher’ at this certain place.
It’s always the effed up adults that have negative views on getting help and effed up ideas on how best to do it, makes it very hard when they stand in the way of fixing the damage on these little people that they have created.
Attitudes are changing, unfortunately some people still see mental illness as a weakness or craziness and you belong in an asylum. It wasn't too long ago that we were locking our mentally ill people up and forgetting about them because of the shame they brought to their families.
At 4yo, it's quite possible your son will tell him, so depending on your expectations of his reaction, it might be better if you told him first.
I would tell your ex after the fact and after a discussion with the psych. I'd put it as a matter of fact, as in "I've taken X to a psych, he'll be having monthly appointments".
Don't frame it in a way that's it's open for discussion.
He can't block him from seeing a psych, imagine that playing out in custody court "the father stopped the child from receiving medical care".
If he did call the psych office, they'd tell him politely to FRO. He wouldn't be the first parent they've had trying to cause issues.
Technically if your ex finds out and contacts the psych, he will be within his right to receive information from them. However, I wouldn’t tell him. You are seeking some guidance to assist with your child’s mental health. I would go ahead and start the process without letting him know. Chances are that he won’t find out anyway. I took my son to a psychologist regarding emotional trauma caused by his dad. His dad doesn’t agree with psychologists either. However, I did tell him but told him that he was going for a different reason. You could always discuss it with your gp when you get a referral. They may be able to put into the referral letter your concerns, so that the psychologist too is aware of your anxiety surrounding your ex finding out.
You don’t have to and to be honest I don’t think your son will make the connection that he’s seeing a psychologist. Our son has been seeing one for a year, he’s 7yo and we just call her by her first name, he has no idea what she does or why he’s seeing her, just that she’s a friend helping with his feelings 🤗
I called and sort legal advice on this exact issue for my step daughter. We didn’t have a court order in place and her Mum was completely against us taking her. It is 100% legal for you to go without the other parents consent. The only thing we were told was we wouldn’t be able to use any of it in court etc… which wasn’t an issue as that had nothing to do with why we were taking her. Good luck