Hi ladies
I’ve been in a long time marriage of 20 years and have 4 kids that are in their early years of high school. We are both 43.
I’m in love with my husband but I genuinely feel like I love him more. I can’t wait until he gets home from work to give him a hug and a kiss and to ask how his day is. I call him during the day to tell him I miss him and to see how he is going. I’m always the one initiating date nights, holidays and spending time together of an evening. I wash his clothes, make his lunch, clean the house and do anything I can do to make his life easier.
The problem is this, he makes me feel like I’m a burden and that he doesn’t want to spend time with me. He literally wants to come home from work, sit in front of the tv watching his shows, shower and then bed. If I ask to watch something he sighs, says I’ll only whinge about something he chooses and that he just wants to watch his shows.
I was talking to him tonight and mid way through he said to me can I stop talking so he can just watch his show then added that he “asked nicely”. That’s because he will get mad and call me a pest, a c bomb etc.
I feel like I have to beg him for sex which is really hurtful. He also doesn’t keep it up which adds to my self esteem issues even though he says it’s cos his fat and doesn’t have anything to do with me. I want to feel loved and wanted and I don’t. I don’t feel sexy, I don’t have any self confidence and I don’t know how to find this. I do get jealous if he looks at other women, porn, girls on insta and the only fans as I feel like that’s what he’s attracted too and what he wants and what will get him hard. When I bring this up, it causes a huge fight and says that it’s in my head and that he is just looking. Even though he knows this hurts as I can’t keep him hard, I don’t give him whiplash when he looks at me and when I do dress up nice and gosh for a compliment he will tell me my make up is too caked on, or that my dress is too short.
I do everything for our family so that all he has to do is spend time with me and us but tv and his phone is more important, as well as time to himself.
I don’t feel happy, wanted, loved, appreciated. I feel sad, worthless and unloved.
So do I stay with this man and continue to feel like this for the next 20 odd years? Can this be salvaged? When I have told him how I feel he says this is who he is, nothing has changed in 20 years and it isn’t going to. And has actually said to go find someone to make me happy because he obviously can’t.
I just want him. I want him to love me and appreciate me like I do to him. I want to have fun in this life with him.
How do I get him to change? What has helped you in your relationships?
Is this just doomed?
How do I get self confidence where I stop comparing myself and getting jealous of gorgeous girls on social media or in real life that have seriously done nothing wrong they’ve worked hard at a beautiful body, might have had some help with implants and fillers but still look terrific.
Please help - I’m at the end of my tether!
15 Replies
Okay he’s a prick and you can leave any time, that option is there.
However, I’m going to go at this from another angle.
What if, now I don’t mean offence, you got a life.
A life away from the family.
What if you joined some hobby groups, or started studying outside the home, or got a job?
What if you became so “busy” that you had less time to focus on him.
What if you got your zest for life back?
What if he needed to step up regularly with the kids/house because you have certain regular things on?
Now I’m a feminist and I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but people are attracted to people with passion and stuff going on.
Also people are generally happier when they have passions and things going on.
He may also appreciate you more if he has to step up around the house.
Instead of being the puppy dog, waiting obediently for him, begging for his love, be the busy bee who doesn’t notice him.
I’m not saying pretend, I’m saying truly become that person.
Make him work for your attention.
And you know what, if he doesn’t step up, you can leave the prick, but youll have higher self esteem, maybe an income from a job or lots of friends to support you.
Go find yourself and if he doesn’t come on the adventure, leave him behind.
Oh and definitely stop the I miss you calls during the day, give the guy time to miss you.
They would kind of annoy me if I was at work, but I’m kind of intense in my work, so that may be just me.
Ok look, there's some issues here that definitely need addressing. The name calling for starters is not acceptable, that's a big thing of mine - name calling is foul, immature and it's a really poor way of communicating!
Sounds like he's also a bit lazy and takes your hard work around the house for granted. The porn and his libido probably also could do with do with discussion.
But putting that on the back burner for a minute though. You do come across as a little needy, I may be wrong of course but that's what I'm sensing.
Some people don't do well with needy.
I am one of them!
I would go insane if my partner called me throughout the day because he missed me and wanted to see how I was going. If I was away on business or something different story but if I'd only been gone since breakfast I'd find that really tedious.
I feel overwhelmed if I'm bombarded with affection and conversation as soon as I get in after a long day at work.
I need my "me time" to recharge and I don't like feeling solely responsible for my partner's self esteem.
I agree with the person above, you finding some fulfilment and interests outside of your husband is going to do you so much good regardless of what happens next in your marriage.
I’m so glad you said that, I’m an introvert and when I get home from work, I just want to sit on my tablet and not speak for half an hour lol.
Same here. I need some time to process my day and decompress before I'm ready for more human interaction.
Back right off. Stop calling him and doing so much for him. Stop calling him during the day. Make him miss you. You are making life so easy for him that he is taking the piss and not appreciating what you do. Back right off. Show him what’ he’s missing. If he doesn’t change then leave. sounds like you are his slave. Stop doing so much.
Also agree with the others. Start getting a life out side of the home and see how he likes it. Do what you want, when you want. Go have fun and find new hobbies and friends. Go enjoy your life. Get out there and live. He won’t do it with you. Do it for yourself
He doesn’t seem to care much about how you feel and you seem to be very dependent on him.
I think you need to create a life outside of him and your family.
Find a hobby that gets you out of the house, around other people. Something that makes you feel good and creates connections.
I'm the same age as you are, and have been in a similar rut. I'd lost my sense of who I was as an individual and was very reliant on my partner to fill all of my needs. I didn't realise how absolutely draining that would be!
The first thing I did was got a job. It gave me the income I needed to do what came next.
Then I went back to previous loves.
Art. I bought myself all new supplies and a few different sized drawing diaries. I've flown from Brisbane to Canberra to see an exhibition I didn't want to miss. I've travelled to Brisbane for work, booked the next day off and visited the gallery or museum while I'm already there. I could join the local art group but they meet while I'm at work. I go to their local shows though and chat with people there. Even if you're an introvert you can make small talk just asking what brand supplies they used, if it's a landscape ask where etc.
Music. There's not a musical bone in my body. Can't sing and can't play but gosh I love music. I started off at local gigs, now I think nothing of buying a ticket for hundreds of kms away and booking myself a motel room and a cab so I can have a couple of drinks. I joke that as the solo chick I attract the chick's that have lost their bf or friends, we'll chat happily until someone walks past they know and off they'll go again. I think of it as providing a lost and found service.
Photography. Spent a few grand on a nice DSLR camera and take myself to local places to get nice photos. Parks, bush walks, gardens. I often even stop and take pics on my way to or from work - icicles hanging from barbed wire fences, flowering fields, harvesting time, the creek when the water is still, sunsets etc.
Lastly, travel. It was 2 years ago I decided it was time to start living the dream. I'd always wanted to travel with at least one other person. But it never eventuated and I'm out seeing my bucket list solo. Bought a caravan and as a matter of fact today I'm sitting beside it 500km from home with a drink, my sketch pad and the sun warming my back. You don't have to go that far but hell, book a self contained cabin in a caravan park and take your kids to the beach or bush. Go interstate to see family or friends. Go to museums, for picnics, on tours. Make those memories with them, it's a great introduction to solo travel later if that ends up being your thing and it's wonderful to spend that time with them.
Maybe with the pressure off he'll appreciate you more. Maybe the shake up of the family routine everyone will welcome the excitement. Maybe you'll realise that in fact you've mistaken love for what could be dependence. None of us know, sounds like at the moment you don't either so my advice is to do what makes you love you. Take up dance, fishing, cake decorating, mechanics, crochet, sport. You don't have to be pretty, or skinny. You just have to have that inside fire that makes you glow. Once that happens you'll be in better position to understand if this relationship has what it takes or if you're flogging a dead horse. And TBH if it's flogging a dead horse you'll also be in a better head space to accept that.
Good luck mumma, there's a whole world out there. Throw yourself at it.
I feel like I can empathize with your husband in some ways. I am the less loving one in my marriage and it can cause my husband to feel unloved. My husband is affectionate and tells me all the time he loves me ect. But I guess the difference between me and your husband is that I listen when my husband says I need to show him more love. I think the first time my husband brought it up, I was slightly hurt, I was like "obviously I love you, I just don't show it the same way you do" but after a while I realised I needed to change. We all show and recieve love in different ways, but we all need to make an effort to show our partners love in ways they recieve it.
End of the day his actions won't change unless he accepts this. Even when you do realize you need to put in more effort, its really hard! I feel like I need to remind myself all the time! So I don't see much hope for a husband that won't even listen....
I'm always the last person to suggest a break up, but unless you find some way of making him hear you, I dont see another option.
All the best x
I've been married the same amount of time. And I'm in a similar situation. But I don't call him during the day and when he gets home, we have a cuddle and I ask how his day was, make him a coffee and he goes and sits on his phone to unwind.
He's not the most romantic person but he does tell me he loves me when I say it to him. And he always gives me a kiss goodbye before he leaves for work. His way of showing me is to talk about our future when the last child leaves and all the things we'll be able to do. And by taking me places for dinner etc. We never go to bed mad.
In the bedroom. I've always initiated unless he's had a few drinks then he does. I have a higher sex drive than him. But he's always said if you want it then jump on and have it! He's having health issues with his back and stomach at the moment so sometimes he can't get it up either. So maybe ask your hubby if that's an issue? Is there something health wise that he can't get it up?
Go to counselling yourself. I did a few years ago and I am much better for it now.
You need to find yourself and decide if you really want to keep living this way for the rest of your life.
To me, he doesn't love and respect you lovely. And you're not happy. Go be happy xx
Stop doing as much for him immediately. Turn all that love inwards, towards yourself. That man needs to earn that respect and he doesn't sound like he deserves it at present. Learn to love you and then he won't matter. Stop the phone calls, stop doing everything for him. If he lived alone he would still have to do things for himself! He sounds like a selfish git. If you can find a female friend to catch up with start walking with them or just catch up for a cuppa and then you won't bombard him when he comes home. Find hobbies/interests. Make him chase you. Make him want to look for you to talk. It will be hard at first but you do not need to share your whole day with him. Work on your self-esteem so that you feel good about yourself and it isn't tied to your relationship with him. If it doesn't turn his head, you will feel so much better about yourself anyway. You will eventually realise you deserve so much better and always have. That's when most of us walk away x
You need to find yourself! Join a gym, do some classes, get active, study something you’re passionate about, get outdoors, get a hobby. Do not sit at home waiting for him. Love yourself, you don’t need a man to do it. Read some motivational books, and even do an empowerment course. And then when you don’t care anymore about what he thinks of you he’ll come crawling back 💜
I feel you and this post so much!
I’m like you itching at the seems to see my husband when he comes home from work and he couldn’t bat an eye lid 😂😂
My husband does love me and want to be with me and he does appreciate my ‘neediness’ but I can definitely be over bearing, especially after a big day!
One thing I’ve found and I strongly suggest it for you!!! But make YOURSELF happy and loved, no partner is ever promised but you will always have YOU!!
As soon as I start investing in myself, gym, getting hair done, facials, catching up with friends, focusing on a night class instead of just existing next to him on the couch - anyways he stops and takes notice, he starts suggesting date nights etc 😂😂 be warned though sometimes with self growth comes criticism from your partner.. I have have GF who, who started and now invest in themselves and their partners, oops sorry ex partners where never supportive and tried to bring them back down..
they are either going to grow with you and try and ‘chase’ you again or your work out your worth and go live a happily single life!!
You can’t control someone else but you most definitely can control what you do and what your willing to accept in your life 💕 he will either chase you or you will find your worth ❤️
Also please look at why your self esteem is so low, has he slowly chipped away at it over the years? Take care of yourself xx
All I'm reading in your post is, you have lost your sense of self. Somewhere between being a being a wife and mum, you dropped your identity along the road and you've forgotten to go back and collect her.
Instead you are flailing. Waiting for your husband to confirm who you are instead of finding her yourself! You are currently being so relient on his validation that you are a someone, that you are important, you may actually be suffocating him a little (by the way, the name calling by him is disgusting and never ok!).
Calling him at work is completely unnecessary. And probably incredibly annoying for him.
Go and find yourself again. Make you a priority now!