Hi,
I am lost and confused, I feel like I just need some clarity and to get this off my chest. I am a long time member of this group but first time poster. I guess I know that I am the only person who can ultimately answer my questions and make a decision but I have been over-thinking this for so long and I also have PMDD and am about to be seen re: ADHD diagnosis so I am not the perfect partner or good at regulating my emotions and I want to make sure I am being fair;
1. I look after him financially (and his child when they are with us). I pay for everything, all the bills, activities, food, clothes (for everyone), presents, insurances etc. He does contribute more than me to the mortgage but this is his choice. I have not asked him to do this. This just suits him. Because I pay for everything he manages to save some money and actually has some savings! I do earn more money than him and he lectures me about not being able to save but I try nicely to explain that I have a lot of bills etc and kids expenses and the only reason he can really save is because I pay for all his bills (that sounds terrible written down but I mean it nicely)
2. I do all the shopping and cooking. I get up especially at 5:30 am to make his hot cooked breakfast and lunch etc. He never cooks and if he does, its very rarely just for himself if he wants eggs or something. He never offers to pop to the shops and makes no effort to be organised
3. He is hard on the kids (which is needed sometimes as I am too soft) but it is for every little thing and he goes on and on about it. I have voiced that I don't want to parent that way as I want my kids to feel comfortable in their home and not feel watched for every little thing. I like manners and respect which my kids have but I am a bit more lenient with them.
4. He picks on my cleaning (he does a lot of outside stuff/gardening etc.) but hey I work full time and am always looking after the kids so I just do my standard clean as I go but he always picks on the nitty gritty stuff which I normally do when I don't have the kids and I'm in a cleaning mood (which probably should be more often than it is but I like to rest a bit when I can).
5. When we first met 2 and a half years ago, I got some anonymous messages about all the bad things he did to his ex. I think she paid for everything as well. I'm not sure if she sent me the messages somehow and at the time it was new love and I was blind BUT now there are some things I am not comfortable with. I have had messages from a girl that he had been talking with online. I have also seen Instagram messages pop up on his home screen from a girls which he has obviously sent them a picture of himself at the gym (I don't like this), and most recently he got a video call on snapchat from a girl. I don't snoop through his phone, I never have! I saw these things just passing by his phone while it was on the bench. I think he has message notifications turned off now. Anyway he won't tell me who this woman is on Snapchat, says he feels like a prisoner and that he has to prove his innocence. I wonder if i feel like he is more untrustworthy because of those previous messages that got sent to me from his ex? I just have a feeling he is out looking for something better than me.
6. Every time we have an argument he turns it on me and say he feels trapped. I often tell him to go out (he does not need my permission). I have never once stopped him, I even pay for the Ubers!! I think he is trying to blame me to divert the attention from what he is doing?
7. We are so different but for some reason I still have love for him. I am finding myself getting more sad and upset about him. I wonder if he just likes the comfort of me looking after him and that is not LOVE to me, I want someone to see me and love me and make an effort for me, nothing big. I don't want money or fancy gifts, I just want someone that doesn't talk to other girls.
I feel better but also sad just writing this down. If my friend told me this, I would probably tell her to look at leaving him and to start valuing herself more. I know I bring a lot to the table, I am smart, hard working, funny (and a little emotional) and my heart is huge.
I don't know how to get myself out this situation. I have a lovely relationship with his child when they stay with us as do my kids.
What the hell have I done and let myself become. Does anyone have any advice or been through leaving a situation like this before? Did you feel better when you left?
Thanks for reading and for this forum which allows us to be anonymous x
6 Replies
I’m going to break this down
1. He has shown a pattern of behaviour bad enough in other relationships that someone reached out to warn you
2. He sounds like he is financially abusing you, if he isn’t up to renegotiating the finances and splitting of the bills, then he is financially abusing you
3. He blatantly is disrespectful to your relationship by chatting to other women in an inappropriate way.
Yes you should make your plans to leave him. You are being too soft on him.
You know the truth lovely, he’s a user, big time x
It would be cheaper to get gardener than keep him 😀
You don't love the man he is now, you love the man you met and thought he was until his true colours have shown.
Respect yourself enough to know you deserve better and you need to model a healthy relationship to your children, otherwise this is what they will think is normal.
Look up trauma bonding, co dependency and narcissm. He is controlling, shows entitlement and is gaslighting. You need to work out an escape plan. It will be hard, Im on my third time, being separated but the relief is worth it, and I get a bit wiser each time.
You feel the way you do as its not a mutual level relationship, he is a man child that is pushing his ideals. I know your looking at diagnosis but alot will be your body trying to cope, it takes it toll.
Alot of the times it is hard-working, string empathetic women that get caught. Why? Because we keep trying rather than give up, our 100 per cent of doing things gives us that resilience, and we try to ignore the bad as its too painful to remind ourselves and its usually follows with love bombing or buyback.
Boundaries girl!
Is your name on the house? if not that's a big red flag.
you need to get an account together that is for all bills and you both contribute evenly. That's for mortgage as well otherwise it looks like he is only paying off the house.
Tell him you'd like to start saving money so you want to look at all Financials and both contribute evenly.
He is taking advantage of you and your kindness. Time to be momma bear or lioness and take charge of your finances.
Good luck, don't enable him to be a man~child any longer.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply. I appreciate you all so much.
I know the decision is a hard one and I will have to be strong to make the one I know is right x