My Mother in law puts in so much time and effort with her daughters and their children and my husband and our kids get nothing from her..
This has been an ongoing thing since my kids where born and we have had fights and periods of no speaking on and off for the last 6 years.
We have told her how we feel (many times, in text messages, one on one sit down with my husband and her) and it gets nowhere.
She get defensive and makes remarks that it’s ‘our responsibility to make sure she has a relationship with her grandkids, as she did with her parents’ and other deflective comments. Nothing gets resolved, there’s never any acknowledgment of how she has hurt our feelings or promise to do better or even try harder. She uses the opportunity to have a go at my husband for anything he has done wrong over his lifetime and the sacrifice she has made to raise him when she was a single mum. My husband gets to a point he shuts down and lets her have her whinge because he can’t mentally argue about it anymore.
Then life continues, she would literally fly up to spend time with my SIL family but couldn’t even drive 30mins to come see my son for his birthday, cue more anger, hurt and resentment and a period of not speaking.
She is known for having a disagreement with someone close to her and then not speaking to them for years and when they finally do speak, the problems are all swept under the rug and not resolved. Not only this but she will trash talk them the whole time they aren’t speaking, all she needs is a glass of wine and the issue seems to come up every time.. I know 100% she has trash talk my husband and I to other family members and now we feel it’s effecting his relationship with his sisters too..
When we do see them (they live hours away from us) it’s good but you get that sense that something is a miss.. when his sisters come to town we make plans to catch up but they always seem to cancel or are too busy but would then go and spend a week with her.. Anyway that’s on them and we are feeling pretty fed up with the lot of them.. they are currently on a big camping trip altogether that we weren’t invited too (we live to go on camping trips) I doubt we would have gone because MIL would be there but to not even be included? It just hurts and I feel like another nail in the resentment coffin.
So this is the jist of it all, it’s a pretty toxic environment with a lot of manipulation and to be honest, I’m not sad my kids aren’t exposed to it now but I also feel incredibly guilty.
At the same time I’m like this is my husbands whole family and we are just going to cross them off the Christmas card list?? It’s not the life I envisioned and not what we want at all but hubby made a comment last night that his mum is ‘dead to him’ and he’s not going to message her on Mother’s Day. He’s really hurting.
It seems odd to walk away from people that we normally did have a good relationship with but over the years of shit we are just fed up with it all and over the drama that comes with them?
I’m not used to this at all, my family are all sweet and don’t play mind games. If someone has a problem we say it. Or we tell mum and she mentions it to the other person and then they apologise, hahaha!
But we are loving and supporting and I have nieces and nephews and a big family and have never felt left out or favouritism, there’s no bitching, nothing!
I don’t know what I’m asking but any advice or thoughts are always welcomed xxx
I just feel like focusing on our life we have built and don’t let them be a cloud over our joy but it still just sucks!!
8 Replies
Ah yes, been through this with my MIL. She plays favourites and actually loves to exclude whatever child she has the shits on with. It is sickening the mind games that get played, she's a very toxic woman even with her own kids. All I can say is, be glad that you're not in that little group. In that group is more mind games, there's grandkids that get treated like angels and others that get treated like they do nothing right. There's bitching and jealousy amongst the sisters. That group is NEVER perfect and you and your family are mentally better being on the outside than the inside. You know she's toxic when she KNOWS this is hurting her son but continues to exclude him instead of holding out the olive branch like any other mother would. Get your husband to look up narcissistic mothers, it might make him feel better knowing there might actually be a cause behind the behaviour. The best way to squash a narcissists game is to be happy, to be completely unbothered by their attempts to make you jealous or feel excluded. If you have them on fb hide their posts, only post happy positive things, forget they exist, and do your own fun things with your kids. Concentrate on healthy relationships with your family. Whatever you do, don't ever tell her that you're upset that she's not spending time with your family or spending more time with the others. She likes it and that's what makes her keep doing it.
Wow thank you so much!! Yes this sounds exactly like a lot of the dynamics that are happening! His sister was very jealous, upset about our wedding and complained when we had our first son that my MIL was spending too much time with us and needed her back at her house etc.. also after you’ve said it but the favouritism within my own kids too is very obvious to me and my husband but my kids are too young to see!
Your right it’s very sad to say goodbye but honestly I feel it’s best for my mental health and my families :( I spoke with my husband about it all again last night and he said what hurts the most is his sisters and their families putting distance between us and not making an effort to see us like they would other people. Who he considers good friends and our kids friendships are all but gone. He said that hurts the most 😢
A mother doesn't get to be a mum just because she spread her legs.
Don't stress over it, she's shit, it is what it is.
Your family is better off without the drama.
You need to cut contact now and only make contact back when they do.
I honestly think there is a different relationship with mums and daughters, vs mums and sons. My observation is I call my mum and speak to her in the daily, my husband calls his mum maybe once a month. Needless to say my kids see my parents so much more than the in laws. My MIL however does reach out and we invite her to all birthdays and other important things. I think if you get caught up in how starts the calls you will always be upset. Sounds like your husband doesn't invest much time and she is reciprocated the same effort. Not defending her but just another perspective. Again with other family members does your hubby make an effort to call? it goes both ways . If he maintains a relationship with his siblings then if she is being a bitch it would be obvious to all. Lean in to connect or cut your losses, limbo will hurt you all.
I can relate completely.
Both my mil and mother are really bad with showing preferences. My mum has always shown favouritism for my brothers, she’ll do anything for them.. even outsiders comment on the difference of love she shows them and myself.
My mother in law is the same with her daughter. She has raised her daughters sons, literally. Is there for her daughter 100% whereas will always make excuses with us, like didn’t even call my husband on his birthday, but goes on a cruise for her daughters birthday.
You gotta stop trying.. the moment i stopped calling, stopped making plans or making any effort to accommodate my inlaws or my mum, i came to a bit more peace. It hurts but its the reality, they dont care and they wont change.
I now have them over if they make an effort, i dont make the effort anymore. Its not my job to make them better mothers with equal love to their children and grandchildren. Its my job to love my kids equally and show them all the love and attention i can.
I could have written this exact thing myself!
Here's what I have learnt, we can't expect our lives to turn out the way we wanted them. I invisioned having a super close family and my child would have great relationships with all his grandies and uncles and aunties, but we can't control other people.
Secondly, compartmentalize relationships, you will have family members you have great relationships with, and others will be more distant. There needs to be a level of exceptance, not because their actions are right, but because its important you protect your feelings and your children's.
I turned any feelings of bitterness into feeling sorry for people, my child is kind, loving, funny and captivates everyone he meets, if family members don't take the time to get to know that side of him, its their loss. Focus on the good relationships you have, encourage your child to put energy into people who put effort into him.
Much love, I know these things cause alot of pain in us parents, but always guard your heart ❤
I don’t have a relationship with my biological father. I think it’s been around 7 years now. It was hard at the time to cut the relationship but certainly the best decision.
If your husband thinks it’s the best choice for your family then support him through it. It’s hard and I got a bit of therapy to help me move forward with confidence, once you make the decision to cut a toxic relationship then your whole world opens up.