My husband and I have been together for 17 years, we have a strong marriage and are happy.
We have 3 school aged children.
Our eldest was born with a genetic condition that has affected her, her entire life. Hospital appointments and admissions are our normal. She suffers from bad anxiety and we are going through the process of having her diagnosed with Autism and ADHD again among potential other conditions.
Her behaviour is affecting the whole household, and as a family we are not coping. Both my husband and I are struggling with our own mental health from this.
She will often curl up in a ball rocking and sucking her fingers after having a meltdown, she will often destroy her room during a meltdown and sometimes can be violent. It takes a long time for her to be able to calm down and even longer for her to be able to form proper words. One of her younger brothers is on the spectrum and his behaviour is easier to manage than hers.
We cannot go out as a family because it overstimulates her and her behaviour becomes erratic and out of control to the point where we have to leave. E.g. the last time we went to the shops she screamed “don’t kidnap me” at the top of her lungs. I was not able to finish the grocery shop that day. I spoke to her about it when we got home and she was not able to understand or comprehend that her behaviour was not acceptable.
unfortunately she will masks and suppress her behaviour all day at school. She will even take a rock to school in her pocket and use it as a fidget toy. After school she is a volcano erupting when she gets home. The smallest of things can trigger her off. E.g. having to have her hair done in the morning, her brothers not wanting to play her game or watch her show.
My husband has said that he cannot cope with her anymore and wants her to spend weekends with either my parents or his.
I don’t feel that I can do that every weekend to her. I am open to monthly sleep over with my parents.
I also worry about his parents looking after her as they are elderly (in their mid 80’s) and my father in law has dementia. My mother in law is fine to watch the kids for an hour or so but I worry that any longer would be too much for her as she is also caring for my FIL. I am lucky that even though they are much older, they have always been very supportive and I have a very good relationship with them.
My parents have their hands full with my brothers children at their house half the week as his relationship broke down and he is a shift worker. They get very tired as well.
My husband has said that he will stay in his dads house on weekend if our daughter is hear because he has had enough and cannot take it anymore.
I don’t know what to do? I feel like I have to choose between my daughter and husband.
8 Replies
Look, honestly, it does sound like you guys need some respite but I agree with you, your in-laws can't be the people providing it.
It just wouldn't be responsible to leave a high needs child with a person in their 80s who's already caring for a spouse who has dementia.
Your husband must know this.
If your parents were willing occasionally, I think that would be okay but every weekend is too much to ask of people who are already half raising their other grandchildren.
Can you apply for some respite care through NDIS? I have a relative who goes to a respite centre, he loves going and it's been so beneficial for the whole family.
What and what about you?! Your husband can’t just check out on you like that. No you can’t leave her with parents. Geez! I know he is desperate but it will kill them. You need to look into community support and respite. Your husband has as much responsibility in this as you.it’s affecting you also. Are you just going to go stay somewhere else for the weekend and leave him to it.he can’t just walk away like that and give you the ultimatum. I know you are both at your wits end. You do it together, speak to the professionals and get the right support for respite but you do it together. He can’t cope now but he is willing to leave it all upto you, to deal with when he goes to his dads. That’s not support. It’s selfish. Unless you both take in turns doing this but you come to an agreement together, so you both get a break!
You should be able to access respite care. Taking care for yourself and your relationship and other people in the house is important, I’m with husband on this. He doesn’t want to ditch her, just find a balance to keep you all mentally healthy.
Listen to your husbond. You both need a break and with out one, you marriage may come to an end. A child's disabilities can come between parents. I have a child with a long list of behavural issues and it takes its tole on us greatly. With over stimulation or a simple no to a request will end with a smashed up room, or beat up siblings.
Ask the pead for an anti anxiety medication while assessing other diagnosis. Have that personal time together and allow the siblings a break too, trust me when I say, they are silently suffering too
He is saying he needs a break and that's OK to admit. I would rather someone do that instead of letting it get too much. You need a break too. Will the grandparents be OK with just a day?
Let him have a weekend away, but will he step up so mum can have a weekend away? Doesn’t sound as though he will do that.
As others have said, seek respite care - not your parents.
Maybe look into an arrangement where once a month, each of you gets a weekend away, be it with parents or a hotel etc?
And get your daughter a boxing bag and see if you can teach her to divert her outbursts at the bag. It worked brilliantly for my nephew who had uncontrolled rages - it took a while, but eventually worked.
Also, had she been assessed for tourettes? The screaming outbursts of inappropriate phrases, the rages, and the masking could all be symptoms. And yes, people with tourettes can mask - and then let it all out at home.
If he feels needs a break to stay away on the weekends. I think that is the best way to go.( Some other form of respite would be more sensible as your gp and also look into getting her into weekend activities that she can be dropped off at. )
I think it would be a slippery slope to divorce for me as I would resent him not helping with the kids all weekend long.