Bare with me because this is a long one.
Would you “let” (for want of a better word)
your partner travel overseas for a holiday without you?
I’ve been with my partner for 2.5 years. Before we met, he had planned a 9 week overseas trip for 2020 to the USA and Europe to attend hockey tournaments. The Europe part of the trip being exclusively with a single female friend of his (who is from Canada) that he had met on a trip to the US shortly before he met me. As much as I didn’t like the thought of it, at the time I had said it was fine because we had only just met and it was already organised. Obviously due to the pandemic all overseas travel was cancelled and that was that. Or so I thought.
We moved in together mid 2020, blended our family (we both have one child each) and all was good. Fast forward to the end of 2021 and it was announced that international travel would resume. Without even a second thought, the previously organised trip was back on (only with the Europe component of the trip now to Canada instead).
Now don’t get me wrong, I have no issue with him travelling. I don’t have the financial capacity or the availability to have that much time off work to be able to do this trip. At best I might be able to get to Canada for a couple of weeks. But this leaves 6-7 weeks of the trip where I won’t be there. My issue lies with the fact that he’s going to be spending most of, if not all of this time with this female friend. I have voiced my concern on several occasions, he acknowledges it but nothing changes. He says “it’s just like going on a trip with *blah or *blah or *blah” (plutonic friends). I have never met this girl. I know he talks with her pretty much every day. I’ve never accessed his phone because I’ve never had a reason to so I have no idea of the dynamic of their relationship, what they talk about or how he talks to her about me. Because she lives on the other side of the world, I’d never felt threatened by it before but now with the prospect of him being overseas with her there without me, I feel physically ill and it’s really f*cking with me mentally. He’s obviously not going to cancel his trip but I don’t know what I’m meant to do.
12 Replies
Look at his phone. Have a look at the messages to see if you think they are anything to be concerned about. It does sound innocent from your partners end, he is being open about it and not trying to hide it. But I guess you never know what the woman's intentions are, talking every day is a bit weird I think, I don't talk to my friends that often. Have a look at the messages to get an idea of what's going on, if I saw that she was wanting more than a friendship and he chose to ignore but still go on the trip I wouldn't wait for him to come back. I would think that she was trying pretty hard for a relationship and kept constant contact for the opportunity to do so.
Is your relationship healthy? It's a holiday. With a friend. Unless you don't trust your relationship, I see no issue. The reality is, this was planned prior to you being in his life and got delayed due to a pandemic. It's not like you've been married 10 years and he's decided to go on an overseas trip with a woman he met after you got together.
They may have started off a relationship prior to you getting with him then covid hit and he’s settled with you. I agree it’s good for him to still go but I’m not sure if their relationship is purely friends traveling. I am all for not stopping what you want to do and travel.
I think you need to start snooping if he can’t tell you the truth. Why do they talk every day and what are they telling each other.?
Does he make it clear on social media that you are a couple? Does he hide his phone.? Have you stalked her socials or spoken to her? She prob has no ties and in single.?
Keep snooping girl! Do what it takes to see their conversations or hear them.
I’ve done a Europe trip, I have seen it first hand. It’s fun, everyone was mostly single or together as a couple.
Trust your gut!
He met her shortly before he met you and planned a trip together and talk everyday. I think she was in his plan and they had more intentions or Atleast started a relationship. Talking everyday to another girl is an alarm bell. I met many people and made great friends all over the world but I can tell you, that I’d never talk to any of them everyday. Maybe once every 6 months.
If I can be blunt with you, I would never have moved in with him in the first place. Especially not so early on in the relationship!
Travelling around the world with a female friend he'd not long met is a huge commitment.I really believe that blending families with a man who had those sort of intimate plans in his future was a mistake.
I feel like their relationship would have developed into something more if covid didn't roadblock their plans, even as it is they seem to have quite the bond.
In my opinion, your only choices now are either:
A. You trust him implicitly and hope for the best.
B. You create a little bit of separation in this relationship until a level of trust is built, some healthy boundaries are established and you're certain his commitment to you is unwavering.
C. You be that person and snoop through his phone looking for evidence (personally, I think once a relationship gets to this place it's the beginning of the end).
He is simply picking up where he left off with this girl and it’s you and your kids who will be affected. They were at the start of something then covid hit and you came along. Now he is picking up where he left off. He could use that travel credit to go somewhere with you. Cut Europe short even and do it together. He is showing his true colours here and guess what. If it works with the girl, you will be gone & if it doesn’t, you are his back up. Sounds blunt but it also sounds like reality. I think you need to give him the ultimatum. He moves out now before his trip or he doesn’t come back. That will test how genuine he really is with you. He should at least respect your concerns and feelings. Don’t let him use you any longer if he plans on hooking up with her. Snoop through his phone etc. because you won’t get the truth. I say get him out until he can prove otherwise. Who talks to a friend everyday. Especially in their case.
I worked in hospitality with a lot of backpackers and it's really common to see them travelling with opposite sex as friends, or meeting up with them for a few months to work somewhere together or go off on their own and meet up with someone else. If he has been part of the backpacking scene over there then it could be just as simple as that. He wants to see hockey games, she would have the driving experience and general knowledge of how it all works over there. It's not fun travelling in another country by yourself and it's a bonus to get someone that knows their way around to do it with you. Why not try and go for the two weeks in the middle of his trip?
This is so subjective. You have to decide what you feel is right.
Regardless of his intentions with this woman, he's taken steps to commit himself to you, but wants his single life freedom - it's a long trip & you've no input whatsoever in his plans, he doesn't care. That's what bothers me here.
No matter what, he's going. He wants to & you're 'unreasonable' for not wanting him to - because it's HIS adventure. Do you think he'd be so calm & accepting if it was you going away with another man & living it up for such a long time? I think your answer is in there somewhere.
Does she know about you?
I'd have little issue with 2 friends travelling together regardless of gender. It's cheaper (that solo tax gets very annoying, even with domestic travel) and more fun when you don't feel like a no-friends loser. And yes they can just be friends. There would be no more risk of cheating than him going out for drinks with colleagues after work or meeting a soccer mum during the kids matches, a cheater will find a way to cheat at home. They don't need to cross the earth to do so.
I'd have big issues with one not telling the other that they have a SO. Then you're getting more into intention to cheat territory.
He should be wanting to travel with you. I'd assume being a blended family you don't get to spend a great deal of time alone together so the idea of world travel together should be far more appealing to him than travelling with this chick he met just before you.
My partner would of done one of two things in this situation. First, he wouldn't even consider travelling with some chick he just met before me. Because he'd want nothing more than to spend that time and experience with me. So He would of reduced the length of time of the trip so I could be there the whole time...or he'd have paid for me to attend the whole 9 weeks.
Even after 12 years together, I'm still his number one choice of travel buddy!
(He also wouldn't have continued contact with a chick he just met before me because thats like keeping plan B in your back pocket!! = not fully committed to you).
I think what your partner is doing is shit!
I'm wondering if this is a case of two people settling during the pandemic because it was a lonely crappy time?
Was she his first choice but covid got in the way?
2.5 years is such a short time. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate the realtionship now that the craziness of the pandemic has calmed down.
How do I say this nicely… I’m sorry but you are his second choice.
2.5 years together, no way would I still want to go and live a single freedom type holiday without my most loved person there.. he’s picking up where he left off and then speaking daily suggest there are still sparks between them.
You can’t stop him going but I would seriously reconsider your relationship because you are not at the forefront of his mind, she is.
Xxx
Even without the travel, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a guy who spoke to another woman everyday, unless it was his mother or sister. Even then, it would annoy me a bit. If it weren’t for covid, i believe you and him would likely not be a couple. I have no idea in the world how you are okay with these phone calls?!? The travel, this is two star crossed lovers finally uniting, a thousand wild horses couldn’t stop him going on this trip. Open your eyes, you deserve so much better, to be first choice x