Background- my (35f) husband (42m) and I met online 8 years ago. We got married 3 years ago.
12 months ago we went through a rocky patch and seperate for a few weeks but ultimately decided we wanted to work on things. While our marriage hasn’t been perfect since than it’s slowly gotten better.
Now the story-
5days ago while speaking with my 15yr old daughter somehow it came up about people texting/sexting each other and she said “oh like dad and X” 😳 I was shocked and my daughter froze. It was clear she thought I knew.
Long story short 5 years ago my daughter was on my husbands phone looking at his car games and accidentally tapped a snap chat notification while playing. It than opened up a conversation that appears to me to be sexting (my husband saying the naked pics she had sent made him horny and that I would be away next week so will need to swap naked pictures. X asking why they can’t meet up face to face and her already sending pictures of herself naked and stating “just tell me why you picked her and not me” - apparently they had gone on a date at a pub several months before we even met. My daughter even at 10 was savvy and took a picture of part of the conversation.
I will also note that at this time X has a daughter my daughters age and they were friends. Doing sleepovers and playing in the same netball team. We regularly spoke to them of a weekend while cheering the team on and until a few days ago she was still on my FB friends list.
My question-
How do I learn to forgive? I love my husband but I’m struggling. There is no evidence of him doing it with anyone else or since and he didn’t end up sending pics it was just chat but I still feel disgusting. I’m also angry that I was made a fool of by sitting there chatting etc with her like everything was great.
Note - he never denied it. He said he didn’t tell me because he was scared he would loose me (truth is he probably would have). When I confronted her via txt she denied it then eventually tried to put all the blame on him saying “he kept messaging me but since I know what it’s like to be cheated on I kept pushing him away”. Which is clearly a lie because I’ve seen the txts.
Both of them make me sick. It takes 2 to tango and they both f’d me over!!
13 Replies
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. A few things popped up but the biggest thing that would concern me right now is my 15 year old daughter. That’s A LOT for a (then) 10 year old to deal with. And she’s been harbouring those screenshots for 5 years? Not blaming you for one second but that is some pretty heavy adult things she was privy too at a very pivotal age. I would try and focus on her well being as well as yours. As for the cheating, I do think the cliche saying of “time will heal” applies here. But I think it’s a matter of if you can ever trust him again. Once trust is gone, it’s like a cancer in a relationship. It insidiously creeps in and takes over. Only you can work on moving forward and trusting again. Good luck.
My daughter feels terrible for not telling me. She said she didn’t know how to (not that she should have to) than as time went on she forgot about it.
When we separated last year my daughter was an absolute mess. She really struggled.
She didn’t know why we separated but she said she thought I found out about her dad and lady X.
I’ve reassured her this is not in anyway her fault and I’ve offered her counselling.
He has no idea how I found out. I won’t break my daughters confidence in telling me.
Yer good, he doesn’t need to know. All he needs to know is that he is a lying dog. Don’t be naive to nothing happened. They both knew what they were doing, for how ever long it went on.
You have every right to react the exact same way as if it happened yesterday. It doesn't get to be forgotten about just because it happened 5 years ago. If you would have left him when you found out then then leave now. He cheated, there's no trust. It doesn't sound like it was just messages either "how did you choose her over me" suggests there was a relationship between them.
Apparently they caught up for a drink at a pub once before we got together. Which I don’t care about it was before we were together and I did the same.
However I just feel so betrayed by both of them.
I just wish he told me when we separated, but since we reconciled i feel like we have continued to get stronger. I think that’s why I’m so torn.
He has probably got stronger because things ended with her not because he is working hard at it, he prob worked hard to hide it from you and it’s come as a relief to him that you never knew. It ended so he worked harder with you, so you’d never know. You can’t trust a word he said. 5 years of betrayal!
I bet you've only just scratched the surface with this guy.
You have separated even without the cheating. Your eyes are open now, be observant, I would say things aren't great but he's learnt how to behave to appease you. If he really wanted a strong foundation, after the break up, he would have come clean. He's still not giving you the full story.
As for your daughter, what a terrible burden for a chilf to carry, that he caused.
They are both liars and both ain’t telling you the truth. I would be cutting both off. If you keep him in your life, don’t blame it get rid of her because they are as bad as each other. The innocent and truthful one would have told you. They are both dogs & i bet more happend. Go and sit down and speak with her open and honestly and ask her , her version. See if anything did happen. Either way, you won’t trust him again and your poor daughter.
I don’t think it’s any better that it was 5 years ago, he’s had you living a lie for 5years, and maybe even worse, your poor daughter.
I would be absolutely ropable. And the truth is, he’s still lying now and so is the other woman. But she owes you nothing. He on the other hand, is showing what you get with him - he’s happy to lie and manipulate you, thinks what you don’t know doesn’t hurt, but it makes everything clear for you doesn’t it? You deserve that truth and you deserve yo understand why things are so hard and now you know how much he’s willing to let you carry and try to struggle through when you can’t possibly put it together and fix it because it’s all a lie.
He would be out until he could tell the whole truth, he won’t until he had nothing to lose. That’s the only way you can possibly salvage it if you think he’s worth it.
They were in snap chat hiding their affair. Something happened. They knew what they were doing hiding it from you. He sounds sly and best thing you can do is show your daughter what she should never put up with. I don’t believe nothing happend and either should you. It probably went on for a long time because you didn’t know.
Everyone has a line in the sand.
Do not move yours. It's either ok or it's not.
For me, I wouldn't care if it was 20 years ago. It'd be bye bye mofo.
You know it’s so easy for people to comment “just leave” or “people don’t change”. Thing is life is not black and white it’s a million shades of grey and people most definitely can change, we all can.
If you are to move forward in your relationship you both have to make a choice, then you need consistent, long term counselling to work on communication and honesty in your relationship. It’s not an easy road and likely you’ll learn some stuff about yourself too but it is doable. Your husband needs to show his remorse with his actions, he needs to back you 100% and be completely transparent going forward.
Firstly: your daughter. What a deep and dark secret she had to keep. I’ve read previous comments and I can see that’s addressed.
All I can say is you know in your heart what to do.
My experience. My husband and I have been together almost 12 years, and when we’d been together for around 6 months I found out he’d been sexting his ex. It was still early in our relationship so I could have cut my losses.
I didn’t.
Did I ever regret staying? Multiple times for around 2 years. For the last 10 years though I have not regretted one single second.
Marriage. It’s hard work.
No one can answer your question for you. You have to decide if you’re strong and willing enough to get through it. We don’t know that. I know you love him but that’s not always enough.
Take some time for yourself. You have raised one brave young woman there. Be proud of that one ♥️
Best of luck xx