My husband and I have been together 13 years, married 10, 3 gorgeous young kids 7, 5 & 1.5.
He’s always had a problem handling his alcohol but in the last 5-7 years he’s also been mixing it with prescription drugs and becomes quite abusive & aggressive.
I’ve left twice before for the same issues but always come back because he “changes”. This time it was about 3 months before he started drinking heavily again.
It’s only in the last 6-8 months I’ve accepted that his behaviour is abuse. He’s told me he wishes I’d killed myself, said if I leave he will kill himself, said if I leave “he’ll make sure the kids know I abandoned them” as well as the traditional name calling, telling me I’m a terrible mother, that all his family & friends hate me etc. The thought of him touching me repulses me and if I had the money I would be gone tomorrow. Every time I try to save “something” happens and he has no money left and needs to use mine.
Every time he blows up, he apologises, says he won’t do it again & blames something else. For the last 6-8 months he’s said it’s the interaction with Lyrica & alcohol. Now this last week he said his Dr said he’s showing bipolar symptoms.
I’ve engages domestic violence resources and the police have been involves due to my family concerns. I’ve asked him to move out because I don’t think it’s fair to disrupt 3 kids because of him. I’m walking on eggshells and have developed a physical tic when I’m around him.
I’ve told him today that the marriage is over and he said he was shocked that I felt this way and he didn’t know he’d caused this effect (despite me literally telling him about the tic weeks ago).
My question is, he’s blaming the drug and thinks everything will be better when (if) he gets off it and stops drinking. He says he feels like I’ve given up on him and we have something. He’s now sulking and says he’s scared of me calling the police and getting a dvo and making me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
Any resources that anyone knows of that will help my kids when (not IF) I leave? I’m very concerned about how he told me what he’s going to say to the kids. He’s becoming gradually more delusional and scary when he’s drunk and without a dvo I don’t know how to protect my kids as he’s never been physically violent.
Emotional & Verbal Abuse
Emotional & Verbal Abuse
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
8 Replies
Please ring 1800 respect they can help you. Don’t delay it. They will give you all the info you need.
He sounds like he is on crack too!
You sound like you are ready to me... make the decision to end it and once final separate. Ask him for nothing but get what you are entitled to like child support etc. Minimal contact if any and report anytime he crosses the lone. If he just once threatens to kill himself call the local mental health facility. They have a duty of care to make sure he is OK and should he be using it as a tactic to manipulate you he will look a real dick so won’t try that again. Either way suicide isn’t something id bugger around with. Good luck to you and your kids.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it sucks. I tried for a year to live separated under one roof, to try and get him to leave so my child wouldnt be disrupted etc. All in vain, I had to leave with my son so he wouldn't be scarred by the emotional abuse thrown at us. We stayed with family until I could get my own place that he didn't know about. Text messages are abuse, he was charged just off the threats in those alone. You need a DVO and a safety plan. Connect with your local service again and make a plan, the most dangerous and difficult time is just after you leave, make sure you have support in place then do it, and don't look back. You've got this.
This is still dv. He does not need to be physical for it be dv. The threats, the coercive control, making you feel guilty etc. Please re engage in services they will help you get a DVO. This will not get better, 8 weeks ago I have just come out of a 10year relation-shit myself. Child safety is involved due to the kids speaking up at school. Noone wants them on your doorstep but for me, it was my way out. Womens centres and DVS will help anywhich way they can. Im not sure on your living situation, but it was mentioned to me about getting an ouster order and leaving with the kids while this was being served, which annoyed me because I live in my house, his name's not on anything! He won't change. I've heard the same thing before, it's the alcohol, it's my mental health... Dude it's been going on for 10years, strip that back and the dv abusive behaviours are still there! There is support for the kids too, I've just had my first appointment with centercare for my mr9 as he needs support the most right now. Keep talking, keep engaging with services, there is a way out. Xxx
If he is serious about getting help tell him to go to some NA meetings (Narcotics Anon) Every single day. No excuses and move out while he sorts himself out. If he can’t do it alone tell him to check himself into a rehab. If he can’t do that for you, you know it’s definitely over. Or at least you’ll know he’s getting much needed help.
If he is serious about getting help tell him to go to some NA meetings (Narcotics Anon) Every single day. No excuses and move out while he sorts himself out. If he can’t do it alone tell him to check himself into a rehab. If he can’t do that for you, you know it’s definitely over. Or at least you’ll know he’s getting much needed help.
I have been in this exact situation. (Still kinda am) I was 18 he was 27.
I was told by everyone his and my family for the first 3 years that he was an alcoholic. I was young and dumb so I stuck around thinking I could change him, he wasnt that bad.. it wasn't until I was just over 20 that I realised I was also going through domestic abuse. He would call me crazy and tell anyone who would listen that I was evil. I was slowly losing who I was. I decided I was leaving after his first failed rehab stint. He convinced me to see his drs who would confirm most first timer's fail fast once leaving rehab. I stayed and he went back into rehab. This time when he came out he was a different man. He was amazing, I fell pregnant at the same time I first suspected he was drinking in the closet. The pregnancy took away my suspicions coz I was getting my happy ever after, white picket fence and all. I was that in aww of being pregnant and newly engaged that I ignored all the red flags. Including him abandoning me at the hospital when I was giving birth to our child. My brother called him and made him come back to hospital, when he got back he laid on the couch and fell asleep. I ignored all the red flags until our sons 1st birthday when I caught him drinking, hiding in our spare room while a party is happening outside the door. I left the next day after a major fight. He convinced me to come home and I did for 3 months before packing up our son and leaving him completely while he was at work. With nothing but the clothes on our backs and a few special teddys of my sons. I was 23 our son was almost 2
I stayed for a week with a friend of mine and spoke with my ex over the phone. He was nasty threatening to kill me kill himself etc... I didn't go back. I refused to speak with him bring our son over for him to see if he was having an episode or high. He assaulted me one time when I refused to leave our son with him because he was sky high and drunk. (Our son was almost 3) I did everything I could to keep him in our sons life and my son and I to also be safe. He started having him over night after his 3rd rehab try (medically unstable) until my son called me at 4yrs old to tell me he couldn't wake up Daddy, Daddy was dead! I was pregnant at this time to my current partner. He called 000 while I kept my 4yr old on the phone while I was driving to him. Went through a very rough 6 months after this. He went back to rehab and slowly worked his way back to seeing our son. We went through mediation so I had paper work trail to support us should we ever go to court. My hands were tied, I couldn't get an avo coz he had never hurt our son. His threats were all he said she said and court wouldn't accept voice recordings coz it could be someone pretending to be either 1 of us. I didn't press charges when he assulated me but there was a report written up. This wasn't enough. Then one day when my son was 7 my ex was finally caught 6x over the limit driving with my son in the car. This was ultimately the straw for me I was done.The police removed my son from his care and brought him home to me. My ex went back into rehab and asked my current partner to adopt his son because he was going to end his life again... my partner refused to accept the letter he tried to give him for our son. No contact from him for almost year then outta the blue his sister messages me asking to see our son for his 8th birthday. Our son wanted to see him so I arranged it, he promised him the world but was coming off a trip the day he saw him. That was the last day my son saw his biological dad. This affected our son drastically.
There have been insane times during these years. Lots of threats, he actually turned up at my work to "stab me" but lost his nerve when I looked at him. He was going to kidnap our son and never let me see him again. I went and saw an amazing lawyer to get sole custody. She advised me to continue to withhold access amd make him take me to court. His sister tried to help him see our son again about 2 years ago but then messaged me apologising and told me to keep him as far away from him as I can. Unfortunately my sons dad and his whole family are toxic liars who only care about their own gain. My son has alot of bad memories from our time with his father. He was in therapy for many many years. We are ultimately in hiding to this day from his dad. We know a time will come when he will pop up again. My son is now 13 and in 100% control of seeing his dad or not. He sometimes brings him up and wonders if he is alive still but doesn't want to see him at all.
To answer your question, only you can decide how much is enough. It seems from my experience your partner is playing the poor me card, and God are they good at it. My ex also played the bipolar and schizophrenia cards. They can get people to feel sorry for them. Please don't continue to be this person for him. You cannot cause someone to comit suicide that is on them and them alone. It took me along time to be ok with this. You are not responsible for him or his actions. You are responsible for you and your babies who are also experiencing this toxic environment. They will be thinking this is normal and it's not! You can do this Mumma Bear. You might have to figure things out along the way but breaking this chain for you and your babies will give you your life back. Get in touch with centrelink and stay with a family member if you can. I was living outta my car for 2 weeks before I went to family for help. I wasn't talking to them for a good 6 months before asking for help.
I hope my story helps you somehow.