Sorry if I go on too long but I’ve hardly slept!
My daughter is 16, her dad left when she was 4. He had left me for another woman and their relationship lasted a few years, years of fights, alcohol abuse and years of he hardly seeing our daughter, always calling an hour after he was due to see her to say they’d fought again, he couldn’t make it. He spent 5 yrs doing this until I got engaged then suddenly saw her every second weekend but working most of of it. Fast forward to her being a teen and we’re back to him still struggling to make it to pick her up every second weekend, usually at least a couple of hours late, sometimes a day as he’s always at work.. on and off relationships where there’s always massive fights where he’s too sad, tired, stressed to see our daughter. I’ve spent the last 12yrs getting her to and from school, doctors, parent teacher interviews. Slept with her when she’s sick, held her when she’s feeling broken and kept her on the straight and narrow as she grew, every night I sit on her bed at her request for 15/20mins just to talk .. when he sees her he has little time so he gives her money so she can where she’s wants, let’s her have unlimited screen time and he goes to bed at 7 while she hangs out alone.. she spends most of her time on the phone to me amd her friends .She’s now announced she wants to live with dad, that he’s her best friend. She can’t tell him when she’s angry at him or he’s disappointed her because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.. so if he’s her best friend what am I? What was I all this time?? If she lives with him she’ll be getting herself up amd to school ( when she can drag herself up) then trains amd buses home from school to spend hours alone. She needs a push to do homework as she’s in VCE so she’ll have nobody to make sure she does that as she’ll be loving the freedom of having moody around so she’ll spend more time with friends hanging around at McDonald’s before going to the train he works from 5am anywhere up to 9pm every day running his own business , with on amd off live in girlfriend , she’s the only one in her group that doesn’t smoke, drink, have sex and I’m scared with massive new found freedom that will all change .. he will let her come live with him and she’ll love it so much she’ll not want to come home apart from every second weekend where she feels she has to.. my heart is breaking, I have tried to be everything to give her everything her entire life amd now she wants to live with her ‘best friend’ what do I do? She doesn’t understand why this has all got me so broken hearted
Teen wants to live with dad
Teen wants to live with dad
Posted in:
Teenagers, Tips and Advice
9 Replies
Aww you poor Mumma. She is only going for the freedom, doing what she wants, when she wants. What a worry! Sit her down and talk to her. explain all your concerns. If she doesn’t listen then you need to just let her go and hope she will come back.
She is 16, I left home at 16 and was fine, I'm sure she can live with her Dad and be fine. You can't hide her from the world forever and you also cant try and emotionally manipulate her into doing what you want. Telling someone how much you've done for them so they should love you more is not OK, even if that's not exactly how you're saying it that's the message getting across. Working while you're caring for your child is not wrong either, most of us have to. Time with Dad was never meant to be a cool, fun weekend you have to continue with your life as you need and have your kids as well.
I do work as well, I’ve worked her entire life, just not to the extent he does amd I didn’t say it to her, but I do worry about her being on her own all of the time. He has said he can’t have her live with him as he can’t get her to school, rarely eats dinner as he’s always too tired etc this morning she told me she hates me, she still sees me as the reason she can’t love with him, that if I was gone she’d be free
She can't cook her own dinner? She's 16 and it sounds like you have kept her very sheltered. Let her go, she'll soon realise the grass isn't greener
She’s using tricks to get her way. How will she get to school? Does he want her to live with him?!
I don't usually reply on here but your post, I could have almost wrote this myself. Last year just before Easter my 16 year old son did the same. His father and I also split when he was 4 and he has had limited contact.
It broke my heart, I had no chose though. He left and wouldn't come back. His father very quickly alienated me and he wouldn't speak to me at all. I was beside myself. I knew he wasn't being cared for properly. He was doing as he wanted and there was no support from his dad who got bored of him being there very quick.
My boy came home at Christmas. It was a long few months for me. I cried so many times but it was a lesson for my son. Every told me he would realise the grass wasn't greener and he would come home.
I can't give you any advice how to stop her going. I would have done it 100 times over if I could. I can only assure you if she does go. She will see for herself how things are.
Have been through the same thing. I cried and felt heartbroken as he had done zip, been absent and I had to struggle for so long but did so because I loved my children. In walks this bloke after years and my eldest decides she wants to live with him. I wanted to smack him out for coming back 😤 I had to let her go because I realised I didn't really have a choice. I told her the door was always open. Told her I loved her. Three months later she was back home and now only visits him. Her attitude has also significantly improved and she tells her siblings how lucky they are and to try living with their dad if they misbehave.
I don't normally reply, but this is so close to home.
My stepson lived with us full time since he was 2. At 16, we had a big falling out (him wanting freedom, we didn't think he was ready for).
My husband said he needed to go live with his mum or he would resent us.
He went. It was horrible. Communication was cut. We worked HARD to stay in contact, resorting to judt messages because no one answered phones.
6 mths later he asked to move home. He's happier than he's ever been. Thankful for everything we do. Helpful.
How long ago did she ask or announce this?
Don’t make any decisions on this until time has passed where it’s been considered and she has thought on it for several months. Allow it to be an open discussion where it’s freely talked about so that her thoughts are externalised.
Also, tell your daughter that you require her to show that she is capable of the new circumstances she will be facing. Such as getting herself up and doing her required work. She will need to show this before you consider if it’s in her best interest to change her environment.
A lot of comments have said to let her go. You already know it’s not in HER best interest. A parents responsibility is to prepare their child, take this time to step back and let her show she is capable and understanding of what she will have to do.
If you understand the body, emotions and mind, it’s not ideal to let her go. You’re essentially sending her to a reverse environment of “survival”. Yes she might learn to respect you more but hopefully she already does.
Don’t take the best friend thing to heart it’s possibly a tactic to break your defenses.
In teens children are establishing thier identity, ideally in safe and supportive environments where they are learning to budget, have good self care habits and developing friendships in social groups. To put her in an environment where she reverts to survival mode, she pushes back this time until later, where you have teens going into adulthood with little inner foundation while now developing possibly long term relationships.
By asking her to show she is prepared for the transition, it becomes her responsibility now as to whether she goes anytime soon or not until she is older.
Stop being overly broken hearted to her in hopes it will guilt her to stay, instead take charge as the responsible adult and get a plan into action for now or preparing for her to go there in the future.