I need to vent because I’m dying inside.
I had my second son in November 2020, on Boxing Day my whole world span out of control. I was on my partners phone and by chance a message from another woman came up, all it said was “hey”. I then found out that he’d been on dating apps while I was heavily pregnant and had messaged 6 girls on Christmas alone, I don’t know how many over the last few months. Upon further inspection I saw he was subbed to multiple Facebook sites for casual sex and hookups. I was shattered.
He then explained to me that he was an ice addict, when I tell you I had 0 idea I really meant I had no fucking idea. I felt so incredibly stupid and naive. How could I not have known?
Too add to the heartbreak he left the house after a night of fighting and returned later on. A few days passed and while he was sleeping I went through his phone and found that while he’d run out the house he’d tried to call multiple prostitutes, I know this because I went into his phone log and internet history where I found he’d googled brothels and prostitution near by, the numbers found matched those on his call log.
I cried for weeks, my confidence is gone. To know he was looking and talking to women while I was 9 months pregnant, huge, swollen and frumpy killed me. I’m angry ALL of the time. I hadn’t even stopped postpartum bleeding and yet he was flirting with women on our sons first Christmas and doing who knows what else.
2 weeks after Xmas of 2020 after he promised he’d stop with the messages, he messaged another girl. 6 months later in June he did it again.
I feel defeated, I feel lost. My anxiety is through the roof, I’ve lost 25 kilos in a year, my paranoia about him with women is killing my soul.
Although with all of this, he is the most loving man I’ve ever met. He’s an amazing father and he’s gotten help for his addiction. What I’m struggling with is trusting him because even when he was doing all of this, the way he treated me didn’t lead me to suspect a thing. We were so happy, I don’t understand this.
It’s been over a year now and my mental health is worse than ever, can anyone suggest how I can get my confidence back?
Found out on Boxing Day 2020 my partner was an ice addict and used dating apps while pregnant, need advice for my confidence
Found out on Boxing Day 2020 my partner was an ice addict and used dating apps while pregnant, need advice for my confidence
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
11 Replies
I think it starts with ending it with him. The trust has gone, you're never getting that back. He cheated on you, don't be naive to think he didn't. You deserve a life free of the stress that haunts you when you stay with a cheating partner.
The only way I was able to get my confidence back was to leave. We were together 4 years (off and on) He had a meth habit and I’d say was quite ‘high function’ so while he used, you couldn’t tell but when he was coming down omg did you know!
Even when he said he was ‘clean’ he never really was 🙄 he cheated, lied, and was verbally abusive, during a ‘come down’ he assaulted my eldest son, a few weeks after having our own child.
I’d like to say he was a great father too but great fathers don’t cheat, or lie or hit or abuse people or use meth. Great fathers can be trusted, loyal and honest.
2 years later, he’s a better father than he was. He understand trust has been broken. He’s taken all steps needed to be clean and if I requested a drug test he’d do it. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever trust him again. He ruined me and almost ruined mine and my children’s lives. The only way, like I said, I could get my confidence back was to give him the flick, work really hard on healing my family and myself m and slowly let him back into his child’s life with strict rules, routine and a hell of a lot of therapy.
I still don’t trust him, but now I don’t give a crap who he’s screwing around with behind my back. My life is 1000 time better now he’s not in my home. My anxiety has dramatically decreased and I can finally breath again.
Sorry not much help, but sometimes a leopard doesn’t change their spots, they just learn to camouflage better.
Please, please leave.
You’ve fought the good fight, you’ve done all you can, but lovely, it’s killing you inside.
You want to be a happy person and a happy mum at peace, you won’t be if you’re with him.
You can not trust him ever and you have to accept that he prob still is that same person. Addicts are so convincing and believable sometimes. He has put you at risk sleeping with all these women who are prob addicts and have STDs
Do not be naive. I think you need to get rid of his ass and allow him to be a great dad from a distance. All my addict friends try to convince me they are off it. They get off it for a day or 2 but get back on it. They lie without guilt.
You and your son deserve much better. You can’t fix him. I’m sure you’d find evidence in his car, under seats anywhere he wouldn’t have changed.
You need to get rid of him or you will both suffer for the rest of your lives. You both don’t deserve this ever.
The only thing that will help you is leaving and never trusting him. Remember this is you and has nothing to do with anything that you have done. This his him, a junkie! Junkies are like this. They’ll lie to your face and seem convincing. You know what he is doing and he won’t change. It’s how they work and he will keep lying. He won’t be off the drugs, he will still have these girls, it’s just reality of that life they live. It’s not you! Get your confidence back by leaving. Nothing else will fix this.
When I was cheated on, it shook me totally. It made me an anxious wreck, and frankly I was never quite the same. I tried to make it work, so badly, but the anxiety paranoia just couldn’t be shook.
I left, started to feel better and was suddenly able to make the most of some therapy (where it hadn’t worked before).
You have tried so hard, but the level of betrayal you’ve been through is huge and some things just cant be got over in a relationship.
Once the trust is gone its very hard to get it back, and I would argue that in your particular circumstances it will never come back - because the level of deceit is almost mindblowing. Yes you may love him, but look at the bigger picture here, he is not good for you or your health. You will always want to check his phone, you will always be paranoid when he talks to other women. It's no way to live, and it may break your heart but for thesake of your mental and physical health it's time for a break
You need trauma therapy, lovely. The problem with ice is that it gets them hooked & it makes them super horny - he wouldn’t even feel like he’s cheating on you, he’s just meeting that insatiable horniness that comes with the drug. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, I’ve been through it myself. In fact you may not even know what he is truly like, clean, which is absolutely heartbreaking.
At the end of the day be blunt with him: He needs to choose - you and his babies, or his habits. & he needs to get professional support for whichever way he chooses.
PLEASE I beg you, put yourself & your babies first.
He CAN recover & be the man you want him to be, but it’s HARD & it’s up to him now.
Fark sake, have some self respect!!! You're allowing him to treat you like an absolute door mat. How many times does he need to kick you in the teeth before you realise he's nothing but a pig!!! Shame on him for fooling you once, shame on you for letting him twice. Other people's treatment of you is what you allow!!!
RUN, ice addicts never change, my son is 9months and his father has "quit" 10 times. It's all lies. Take your bub and don't look back.
It starts with realising your self worth and leaving. This is the relationship you are modelling to your children. If one of them were in your relationship would you think it was acceptable?
He treats you with such disrespect because you allow it.
I would start by breaking up with him, doesn’t mean it has to be hostile or that you can’t co parent you just say you tried for a year but you’re suffering and he has lost your trust.
Then you get yourself a good psych and start loving yourself. You’re strong, capable and you can do it.
Kids are much happier coming from a broken home than living in one. Model to them how they can create a different future for themselves and how to live life with confidence! You can do this Mums. It starts with ending that relationship